To reduce lengths of MIL visits

[Snorkers]

Mil lives about 4 hours away by train.
She's generally well meaning but sometimes plays emotionally manipulative games with her son, keeping the mother child dynamic and ensuring she knows her son cares and he knows his place. He does, and this behaviour just pisses us both off. She also sulks and throws tantrums if she doesn't get her own way.
We want to reduce her quarterly Fri to Mon visits down to Fri to Sun but increase frequency.

By Sunday our nerves are frayed and we end up hiding away in our bedroom and by Monday morning I'm feeling almost violent, the stress levels are through the roof.
48 hours seems to be manageable but any longer is just too much.
If we could have Sunday night to recover and wind down, get ready for work the next day and not have the endless chitchat whilst getting ready for work on Monday it would be so much more manageable.

Husband broached this and suggested more, but shorter visits, ie 6x a year but Fri to Sun, and she's hit the roof, tears and tantrums, phone slamming down, exactly the reason the visits are so stressful.
Awbu?
How to proceed from here.
Thanks

I am no mother, so not I am not projecting.

You are threatening to cut your son out of your life if he dates anyone you don't like, which appaears to be anyone with a healthy set of boundaries. That means basically any human being. So like I said, if he dates anyone you won't want him in your life anymore. Yeah, you're not controlling at all.

Since a lot of women it would seem would like nothing better than for the MiLs to cut their husbands out of their lives, it would appear to be a win/win situation. Shocking though it might be, MiLs have boundaries too.

FFS, for every horrible mil there are just as many horrible dils.
Of course horrible or difficult mils exist.
Those who are not yet a mil may get a shock when their son finds a partner who is jealous of their relationship with their son just as you may find your mil is possessive of her son.
Of course have boundaries but when either a mil or a dil are having problems both need to look at their own attitude and behaviour to understand how it impacts on the relationship.
Of course, usually, both blame each other.

I thought some further examples of her behaviour which posters like Bluelady expect me to tolerate would be helpful:

Crying over her Christmas present two years ago because it was not thoughtful (ie expensive) enough (we were in terrible debt and really had to go back to basics to try and stop ourselves sinking and losing our home)

Crying and kicking off because we had to rent out our spare room (due to debt) and complaining she was relegated to a put-me-up bed in our craft room. She then demanded DH buy a new sofa bed as she did not like the put me up bed despite the fact we had already purchased and could not afford another new sofa. We suggested staying in a local BnB at our expense - more sulks. For god knows what reason we caved and got a sofabed.

When she first started staying she would insist on loudly doing the ashing up at midnight whilst singing at the top of her voice and when i was in bed asleep and having to get up at 6am to go to work (as the main breadwinner I might add), knowing i was not brave enough to challenge her then and that it would cause an argument between me and DH

Having a go our DH and hanging up on him because he did not show enough enthusiasm about her new fad of going to church, saying that 'he was not interested in anything she did' when in fact she wanted to talk in depth and for him to agree with her about a subject DH is very uncomfortable about and does not agree with and has no interest in, he just wanted to change the conversation.

However she was quite happy to marry someone DH hated and who was not very nice to DH at all and move DH away from his friends at a critical time in his schooling, because it was what she wanted.

Talking down about me when I left the room during a visit to my fucking house (prior to DH even formally moving in) and when i asked her not to do that she said ' I'm not going to stop talking to MY son'.

yep, what a little viper i am.

Thanks for the TIL advice, haha it really is as simple as that. I am not putting up with any more of her BS and I know she won't have the balls to treat me like this any more as i've grown in confidence in the last few years.

If she can't behave like an adult she won't be treated like an adult.

" knowing i was not brave enough to challenge her then and that it would cause an argument between me and DH"

That's your problem-your husband.

Wtf would asking her not to do something that disturbs you cause an argument?

If neither of you enjoy her visits, why doesn't he just visit her alone?

I know - actually having typed all this out I realise the extent to which my DH allows this behaviour and in fact encourages it by giving in.

I'm going to have to show him this thread, i don't think he realises how bad it is.

She can also be lovely, and i find even if there are occasionally a few snarky comments I can manage 48 hours with a smile on my face and cheer in my heart (ahem), so I don't want to eliminate the visits completely, if only for DH's sake.

But we need to get some ground rules in place going forwards as behaving like a toddler is just not going to be accepted any longer..

You don’t need to explain yourself snorkers, mn has lots of people who think you should put up with any old crap just because they are related to you.
I wouldn’t put up with this type of behaviour from my own mother never mind anyone else.
And I wouldn’t class this as a mil bashing thread, more a not very nice behaviour bashing thread and the person in question happens to be a mil.

Could you just change it one step at a time? So next time she is due say she will have to leave Sunday unfortunately as ye both have something on/ another visitor coming. Then gradually cut it down like that instead of making a big thing of it. I get how annoying it is so would have phased it out gently.
Also its my dh who would do it not me. And l wouldn't like him to do it to my dm. I would sort my own family.

I think there is back story between DMIL and DH. Is she expecting him to move into her DH's shoes- support her in her church going?? Be a companion and support? Which of course he will fail at.
No one seems happy with these arrangements. Does she have a life and friends of her own?
I think you need a complete rethink of this set up. Maybe instead of her staying allmeet up at a nice stately-Home, garden, shopping centre, nhotel for a day out / weekend together once in a while. Join her in church one Sunday? Just you and her have a day on a cookery/ art/ dressmaking class?
She and DH is it relatives ?
Some changes needed imv.

I think you need to put a stop to these visits altogether until she starts respecting you. If DH wants to visit her, he can do so by himself.