To reduce lengths of MIL visits

[Snorkers]

Mil lives about 4 hours away by train.
She's generally well meaning but sometimes plays emotionally manipulative games with her son, keeping the mother child dynamic and ensuring she knows her son cares and he knows his place. He does, and this behaviour just pisses us both off. She also sulks and throws tantrums if she doesn't get her own way.
We want to reduce her quarterly Fri to Mon visits down to Fri to Sun but increase frequency.

By Sunday our nerves are frayed and we end up hiding away in our bedroom and by Monday morning I'm feeling almost violent, the stress levels are through the roof.
48 hours seems to be manageable but any longer is just too much.
If we could have Sunday night to recover and wind down, get ready for work the next day and not have the endless chitchat whilst getting ready for work on Monday it would be so much more manageable.

Husband broached this and suggested more, but shorter visits, ie 6x a year but Fri to Sun, and she's hit the roof, tears and tantrums, phone slamming down, exactly the reason the visits are so stressful.
Awbu?
How to proceed from here.
Thanks

I feel like people are missing the point of this thread. The MIL has ridiculous expectations, tantrums the moment they are not met, throws her son into a state of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt,) by her presence which impacts on the OP massively too.

OP I have a similar MIL. Different way of operating. But uses FOG in just the same way. What I found really effective was continuing with my business, despite whatever attitude she put in the room. So if she was sitting, stewing, ready to be annoyed, I’d go into the room and read a book or start working. The moment she interrupted me, I would say “sorry MIL I am working I can’t deal with that now. It’s nice to be in your company while I work but i’m very busy.” She would then make a poisonous comment about how I am not present, I don’t care, and would extend it into what a bad wife/mother/DIL I am because I am not 100% responsive to her whims. Then I would simply leave the room.

She was left on her own enough for it to gradually sink in that she could have her opinions, but if she wanted ANY of the upside of family life, or any attention, she had to toe the line and STFU.

And when she wasn’t oppressive and didn’t give out the atmosphere or complaints or tantrums I praised her like a child. “It was lovely spending this time with you MIL. Thank you for being patient with how busy our lives are.”

If she had made a poisonous comment or tantrum after this she would have just looked stupid. I also filled a lot of the time like a PP said above asking her if she wanted or making sure she had something to eat and drink. It was a way to give her attention without having to engage in her poisonous interactions. And a way to leave the room after it was done as it gave the appearance at least, of caring and gave her less of a reason to complain.

It should be 'your house your rules' but the woman comes four times a YEAR FGS.

I am willing to bet she is nowhere near as bad as you are making out, and she probably doesn't speak too kindly about her rude and cold daughter in law, who cannot wait to get rid of her, even though she only sees her and her own son for 4 weekends a year.

I would be devastated if I thought any DIL or Son-in-law despised me as much as you appear to despise her.

Poor woman.

Why increase the frequency? Just have less time less often.

you are allowed to do that !

I don't understand why, if you tend to hide in your room on Sunday, you are more stressed out by Monday morning? Do you hate your room?

This has to be the most uninsightful comment I've ever read on MN.

It's only four times a year. I would just suck it up.

@thelittleredlight

I feel like people are missing the point of this thread. The MIL has ridiculous expectations, tantrums the moment they are not met, throws her son into a state of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt,) by her presence which impacts on the OP massively too.

I am willing to bet that the OP is massively overplaying her MIL's behaviour to make her sound so much worse.

I find it very hard to believe this woman is as bad as the OP is saying. She makes her sound like an aggressive monster who attacks and 'throws tantrums' and kicks off, if she 'doesn't get her own way.' No MIL is like this in real life.

Of course, people will come on here now and say THEIR MIL is like this. In reality they are not.

Sorry but YABU. She visits for four weekends a year and you can't cope?

Ok here are a few examples of her behaviour
Crying and pleading when we told her we would not be having children saying it was not fair on her (DH an only child)
Behaved despicably towards me when i first met her (cold, rude, offhand, sarcastic), since acknowledge to her son (but not me) as she was 'jealous'. I was trapped with her for 5 days doing this.
Pretending that her spare room was unavailable to get a reaction from her son when we had told her she could not stay with us one weekend as my brother was staying (DH did not care)

DH goes to see her 4 x per year too, one of those for a week.

I want to get on with her, i am asking for the best way and by having a manageable 48 hour visit rather that a stressful 72 hour visit everyone should be happier.

Butterfly, i suspect you are her.

No MIL is like this in real life. - do you not read things on MN?! Or talk to anyone in RL?!

Sorry ^ pretending that her room was unavail for a visit form DH so he had to book a hotel, to get a reaction from him, there was none and she had to confess

Your DH stays with her for a week?

WTAF? I think you might have a DH problem there.

She is emotionally manipulative!
We are trying to rein her in - that is WHY I AM HERE !!

Littleredlight - thank you i have not heard of this- will check FOG out

I wouldn't increase the frequency, just accept that it won't be much fun and she will be annoying. DH and I find just popping out for a few hours individually makes it much easier. We generally have an appointment, have to pick up a prescription, take a library book back, have an appointment at the chiropractor etc.
We've also found that she enjoys going to the cinema, so DH will take her one evening.

I don't think you'll get on with her by letting her get her way and acting like a rude house-guest in your house. I once threw my own parents out of my house after they had been fighting the whole weekend. I was so fed up. We didn't speak for months, but somehow got back in touch. I now enforce the rules rigorously. My mum does not get to rearrange anything in my house and my father needs to speak to people in a civil tone. No incidents have occured since that last incident over 10 years ago. I will not be tip-toeing around anyone in my own home, regardless of who they are.

I have a difficult MIL as well. But she comes every week for dinner at least once a week, as she lives close - plus birthday parties, mother's day, Xmas, you name it. 6 times a week seems manageable, although I feel your pain!

I’m 50 and one of the advantages of getting older is being able to assert yourself and think ‘I’ve had enough of this’ and give no fucks.

Assuming she’s as difficult as you describe then she’s going to kick off regardless of however well meaning your reasons are to break down the length of the visits .

Behaviour like that would mean exactly zero future visits for me.

Husband broached this and suggested more, but shorter visits, ie 6x a year but Fri to Sun, and she's hit the roof, tears and tantrums, phone slamming down, exactly the reason the visits are so stressful.

She sounds similar to my mother. This is the reason why I reduced even the number of phone calls I make to her. Had to go through a very similar nonsense but stood my ground and would advise you to do the same. You only have one life and don't have to live it the way your MIL wants you to do it. She will get over it.

It's quite difficult to see why you would want to increase the frequency of her visits.

Oh that sounds like hell. My mil is 3 hours away and we visit 4 times a year. We get up early and arrive @ 10.30. Out for lunch, pootle round the garden centre and back in the car by 3.30. It's enough, Don't torture yourself.

You need to sit down and think why is this woman causing such an issue for you both.
She is basically controlling a part of your lives. She is only able to because she is allowed to.
You have the right and choice not to allow any of this. You don't have to pander to her.
If she behaves so awfully why is she even allowed to come over? You wouldn't tolerate this from anyone else so why her? She really sounds like a nightmare and no way would I put up with it even out of obligation.

Your dh can go visit her if he wants to but you don't have go along with this nonsense.

I don't understand why, if you tend to hide in your room on Sunday, you are more stressed out by Monday morning? Do you hate your room?

Really, you can't see why?

Do what suits you. Your DH doesn’t owe his mum anything. And I am saying that as a mum of two DS. I can completely understand why it gets you down. I would NEVER put myself on my sons lives in such a way, and having been subjected to emotional abuse through most of my childhood I wouldn’t subject my sons to that either.

No, DH doesn't owe his mum anything - only the fact that he exists at all. This is the most depressing thing I've read in a long time. The language some of you use is really shocking. What a controlling nest of vipers you are. Thank Christ my son's single.