To reduce lengths of MIL visits

[Snorkers]

Mil lives about 4 hours away by train.
She's generally well meaning but sometimes plays emotionally manipulative games with her son, keeping the mother child dynamic and ensuring she knows her son cares and he knows his place. He does, and this behaviour just pisses us both off. She also sulks and throws tantrums if she doesn't get her own way.
We want to reduce her quarterly Fri to Mon visits down to Fri to Sun but increase frequency.

By Sunday our nerves are frayed and we end up hiding away in our bedroom and by Monday morning I'm feeling almost violent, the stress levels are through the roof.
48 hours seems to be manageable but any longer is just too much.
If we could have Sunday night to recover and wind down, get ready for work the next day and not have the endless chitchat whilst getting ready for work on Monday it would be so much more manageable.

Husband broached this and suggested more, but shorter visits, ie 6x a year but Fri to Sun, and she's hit the roof, tears and tantrums, phone slamming down, exactly the reason the visits are so stressful.
Awbu?
How to proceed from here.
Thanks

I would cut the visits from Friday to sun but also don’t increase frequency,especially not to start with. Are you offering that so it seems like a compromise and more acceptable to her?
you may find the increase in visiting just as stressful.
She may be family and not someone off the street but that doesn’t mean that the op has to put up with manipulative ,childish behaviour.

@SerenDippitty well that's fantastic for you but the OP is talking about her MIL and not your PIL.

Sounds annoying OP, stick to your guns

It's not that we can't cope, but I'd prefer the visits to be enjoyable for everyone rather than dread them and for us that means shorter duration.

Sundays aren't great on the trains.
Is it 4 hours by car. Perhaps DH could drive her home on Saturday that way he is spending special time with her which she might like.
And I wouldn't have her more often.

I would just thank my lucky stars that she lives far enough to just visit quarterly and do your best whilst she's there.

At the same time I wouldn't want to give in to tantrums, but sounds like these aren't going to stop any time soon as your husband has clearly been pandering to them all these years.

limensoda “you make her sound like a dangerous animal” !!
Mine is! I have learnt to keep her at a safe distance, not to antagonise her and when she’s here ensure she always has a fresh drink and a bowl of nuts

Why not keep visits the same length but less per year?

Your husband needs to stop knowing his place & allowing himself to be treated as a child!

Are you saying I should pander to a 60 year olds tantrum?
No. I'm saying you could learn to be kindly assertive and stop seeing her as an enemy.

Bimbo, yes exactly that. Thought it would soften the blow but seems not!

Limensoda that's why I'm here for suggestions to help dealing with her.

Have you thought of going to see her? You could arrive Friday night and leave Sunday morning. Have a takeaway Friday night. Spend Saturday out and about and leave after breakfast Sunday. You have control then.

Mine is! I have learnt to keep her at a safe distance, not to antagonise her and when she’s here ensure she always has a fresh drink and a bowl of nuts

We visit her already Fri night to Sunday!

Ah cross post. Just visit her then. Stop taking it in turns. Slowly increase the gaps between visits. Always have plenty of things to see and do.

Do you ever visit her? Or can your DH visit her alone occasionally? I don’t expect my DH to share all the visiting with my parents, I appreciate it can be a bit of a bore for him.

Limensoda that's why I'm here for suggestions to help dealing with her

Ok, You can't change people but you can change how you approach her and her visits.
People behave the way they are allowed to. I've known people who are considered difficult by some but not by others because they all deal with people differently.
Your dh could make an effort to spend some time with his mother on their own when she visits. Make a fuss of her and take her out. That would take pressure off you.
Don't resist her so much and she may be easier to be with.

Would Thursday to Sunday be an acceptable compromise? If you both work out of the home she could potter and fend for herself on Friday and then spend all day Saturday plus Sunday morning with you.

I dislike having guests for too long and generally stick at three nights but as my parents age they seem to want to stay longer because they find the travel quite tiring.

However, you are extending the invitation and she has to learn that you are offering what works for you. It also sounds like quite a lot of visits each year all together.

Bloody hell op you spend a lot of time with your mil!! She sounds very needy!
Fuck that.

*not nuts needed but Valium and .

Is she a widow? Is DH her only child? Can't you just be a bit kinder? You don't sound as though you like her very much/

It's your house and your lifes. If she doesn't like it she does not need to be visiting at all.

My MIL lives 5 minutes away.
You are not, repeat NOT being unreasonable OP.

I don't understand how you've ended up in a situation where a family member is dictating to you the length of their visit. It's your home, you have commitments, you're able bodied working adults... No wonder you want this to stop.

Personally I'd say just ignore the hirstronics, as it simply plays into the "I throw a fit, I get my own way" dynamic. That's the very thing you need to fix.

I'd suggest a stop over at the Relationship section OP,there are a lot of good experienced posters who can help you fix this with practical tips (who've been through similar).

It's one evening four times a year.

Am completely fazed by how unsympathetic some people are being in this thread. Hideous situation to be in Snorkers - never experienced anything similar but hope I would follow the advice of those saying 'your house, your life' and be politely firm about 'your rules'. You are being quite savagely manipulated. Good Luck - would love to hear how it goes!

P.s. I would ignore any advice to suggest alternative arrangements e.g. Thursday evening instead - by "negotiating" you're simply reinforcing the underlying drama i.e. that she has a right to dictate visits to your home, despite it not working for two out of three people!
Do not get dragged into defences or justifications or negotiations - why on earth should you have to?!