Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To reduce lengths of MIL visits

110 replies

Snorkers · 04/11/2018 16:20

Mil lives about 4 hours away by train.
She's generally well meaning but sometimes plays emotionally manipulative games with her son, keeping the mother child dynamic and ensuring she knows her son cares and he knows his place. He does, and this behaviour just pisses us both off. She also sulks and throws tantrums if she doesn't get her own way.
We want to reduce her quarterly Fri to Mon visits down to Fri to Sun but increase frequency.

By Sunday our nerves are frayed and we end up hiding away in our bedroom and by Monday morning I'm feeling almost violent, the stress levels are through the roof.
48 hours seems to be manageable but any longer is just too much.
If we could have Sunday night to recover and wind down, get ready for work the next day and not have the endless chitchat whilst getting ready for work on Monday it would be so much more manageable.

Husband broached this and suggested more, but shorter visits, ie 6x a year but Fri to Sun, and she's hit the roof, tears and tantrums, phone slamming down, exactly the reason the visits are so stressful.
Awbu?
How to proceed from here.
Thanks Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Snorkers · 04/11/2018 19:36

Thank god your son's single? I'm sure you'll be devastated when that changes.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 04/11/2018 19:40

Unlikely. And if he ends up with anyone like the posters on this thread I'll quite happily leave him to it as he won't be the son I raised any more.

Original poster
Snorkers · 04/11/2018 19:44

So you'll reject any DIL that you don't approve of.
But a wife has no right to ask a badly behaving MIL to be reasonable.
Right.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 04/11/2018 19:46

There won't be a DiL, thank Christ.

Santaisgettingbusy · 04/11/2018 19:49

Op may I suggest you find a famous mn hobby, one that takes you away from home most frequently?
Your dh seems more married to his dm than to you tbh.

RandomMess · 04/11/2018 19:50

You could offer Saturday to Monday or Friday to Sunday grey rock style...

Would a Thursday to Sunday work better or you? You get the day at work Friday away from her...?

Original poster
Snorkers · 04/11/2018 19:54

I genuinely want to have a better time with her.
I've sent an email to her explaining my position
Bluelady you sound very bitter and I'm sorry you feel like this.
I am not a DIL from hell, I just want her to stop the histrionics.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snorkers · 04/11/2018 19:55

No I'm not negotiating, my request is reasonable, and it's my house.
Thank you all for the support and advice, I'm logging off now.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 04/11/2018 19:57

I'd love to hear the MIL's side of the story, as I said upthread I am this woman's age and I would cringe if this was my sort of behaviour. Actually I do have an only child (a son) but I can't imagine that my life would be so narrow that I would obsess over visiting him so much. I have so many hobbies, interests etc that spending a long weekend with my DS and any future wife/partner doesn't really hold much appeal

unicornsandponies · 04/11/2018 19:58

You have my sympathy op. My DM in her 80s lives long way off so visits are infrequent and protracted, I'm climbing the walls after the first 24 hours. Your house, your rules, set your boundaries and stick to them. If she is upset, that's her problem, don't feel guilty.

GoJetterGirl · 04/11/2018 20:01

she's hit the roof, tears and tantrums, phone slamming down, exactly the reason the visits are so stressful.

What you have there OP is a TIL (Toddler in Law) if my DH wasn’t an only child, I’d swear you were my sister in law!!

Bluelady · 04/11/2018 20:13

Au cntraire, OP, the bitterness on this thread is all on the side of the DiLs.

RandomMess · 04/11/2018 20:20

The idea behind alternatives was to give her the illusion of being in control and having choices like you do with a toddler Wink

butterflysugarbaby · 04/11/2018 21:00

@bluelady

No, DH doesn't owe his mum anything - only the fact that he exists at all. This is the most depressing thing I've read in a long time. The language some of you use is really shocking. What a controlling nest of vipers you are. Thank Christ my son's single.

Couldn't agree more.

This thread is toxic.

pallisers · 04/11/2018 21:04

Unlikely. And if he ends up with anyone like the posters on this thread I'll quite happily leave him to it as he won't be the son I raised any more.

What a shockingly awful thing for a mother to say. I pity your son having a mother whose love and presence in his life is subject to conditions.

I have a lovely MIL. She just stayed with me for 3 weeks and I did most of the "visiting" with her. I love her (it was still hard to have someone in our house for that length of time). But I have the imagination and life experience to realise that not everyone's relatives are just like mine.

As for the person who said No MIL is ever like that. Do you believe in fairies too? I suspect my own sister would be exactly like the OP described to a dil if left to herself. She certainly was like that with me. Her daughters and her husband tend to call her on it when she gets wildly manipulative which helps a lot.

plaidlife · 04/11/2018 21:13

My mil is lovely and although not perfect she is very careful not to tramp over our house rules. My DM on the other hand is more than capable of tantrums, tears and poor behavior. For what it's worth really clear house rules, firm enforcement and not rewarding poor behavior all help. It really is like managing a toddler.

CottonTailRabbit · 04/11/2018 21:22

Oh dear. Emailing was a bad idea. Read up on the FOG.

You can't rationalise with the crazy.

Give up on stopping her tantrums. It will be liberating. She will kick off forever about the shorter visits. Accept this. Make sure she sticks to the shorter visits. You can't stop her crazy crap but you can stop being in her company so much.

Don't pander. Don't reward a tantrum. She behaves like a normal human and you all have a nice time. She behaves like a dick and she gets no reward of attention. Go Grey Rock.

StoneofDestiny · 04/11/2018 23:20

She's 60 not 90 - if you don't redraw boundaries now you have many many years of manipulative behaviour ahead. Seems to me you visit her more than the average person who doesn't live in the same area as their IL's.
Put your foot down Frid-Mon is more than enough for a working couple.
She's lived her life how she chose, you need to live yours - she is clearly not neglected - just indulged.

Usernamed · 04/11/2018 23:30

She sounds like a narcissist and you are experiencing her narcissistic rage. Try watching some videos on YouTube about how narcissistic parents treat their kids and how to set boundaries with them.

Sweetpea55 · 05/11/2018 00:51

Lord above. I wouldnt want to be spending any time with this woman,
Less frequent and shorter visits might be the answer,
We had DH's sister to stay twice That was enough.

Oswin · 05/11/2018 01:16

Bluelady that is awful. You would cut your son off if he married someone you don't like. That is what you are saying. Nah it isn't the dils bitter here.
Its you and women like you who think because you gave birth to your son you should be the most important person.

The mil is crying and tantrums. How is the op wrong for limiting the length of time.

ElectricMonkey · 05/11/2018 01:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PBobs · 05/11/2018 01:53

Honestly - I can't believe the people on here who say MILs like this do not exist IRL. Mine has had tantrums, thrown stuff, shouted and cried. My SIL too - calling me a f b. MIL has said nasty nasty things about my own parents. Sends my DH nasty emotionally manipulative emails. Bad mouths us to family at weddings and to DH's friends even - and then emails us to let us know what she's been saying and to let us know how much everyone agreed with her. Some people are toxic and manipulative. I'm not making it up or overreacting. She is who she is. Why would you want to spend your precious free time with people like that? DH sees MIL and SIL once a year for a day. I do wish it was more often but he finds it stressful, tiring and emotionally charged and he's an adult who can make adult decisions about what is right for himself. I don't go because my relationship with them is so poor it would cloud the time that they have together and make the atmosphere even more difficult for everyone. I don't have the tact or emotional links to her to put up with the nastiness. Plus she hates me and makes it obvious - refusing to say hello to me last time we all met up, saying nasty things about my behaviour afterwards, etc. It makes me sad for DH - very sad. It wasn't always like this but it has been so for the last 7-8 years.

OP - Friday to Sunday sounds fine. If you still go and visit her in between then that means you are seeing her 4-8 times a year? Seems OK to me. I see my parents for 10 days to 2 weeks most years. I adore them but that's life - we live thousands of miles away.

CaptSkippy · 05/11/2018 07:18

A "controlling nest of vipers", when you won't even allow you own son to date like he is your property or something. Projecting much?

Bluelady · 05/11/2018 08:03

How exactly do you reach the conclusion that I "won't allow my son to date"? I'd like to see me try to stop a fiercely independent 43 year old who left home over 20 years ago doing anything. Projecting much?

And, yes, some of the posts here are deeply unpleasant. In the extremely unlikely event that he hooked up with a woman like some of these I wouldn't want either of them in my life. You can all resume the pearl clutching.