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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU?

91 replies

Wazznme · 03/11/2018 14:13

I've been dating a guy for a couple of months and yesterday he told me that he was into dominance.

I know nothing about it but decided to look it up.
First video I found, happened to give me massive flashbacks to traumatic incidences in my past.
So, me being me, I got angry at him (though he hadn't sent me the video, I googled it).
Now he thinks I'm BU (probably am) for lashing out at him because he really meant just spanking and stuff.
I called him every name under the sun (bear in mind I was crying and traumatised).

AIBU?
WIBU?

My argument was that he should know given my past, that this would never be something I'm interested in. His argument is that I found a sick video which is not representative of what he meant and that I shouldn't have called him a freak/weirdo and then some.

Which of us are wrong?

OP posts:

Potterpotty · 03/11/2018 14:15

Neither of you, you have reasons to not like it. Maybe sit down and have a discussion about he likes and what your boundaries are.

user1493413286 · 03/11/2018 14:15

I think this is one where you both have to apologise; him for not thinking it through and you for over reacting without talking to him first

Original poster

Wazznme · 03/11/2018 14:16

I have apologised. He has ended it and not apologised. Says he doesn't need the drama.

OP posts:

ghostsandghoulies · 03/11/2018 15:04

Neither of you are wrong. I think that this means that you are sexually incompatible as a couple- sorry.

Thisreallyisafarce · 03/11/2018 15:09

I think he's right. Sorry.

Mishappening · 03/11/2018 15:10

Sounds as though you are well out of it - not the right man for you.

PurpleDaisies · 03/11/2018 15:13

You overreacted, which was probably understandable given your past.

It doesn’t seem like you would have been particularly well suited. I’d try and move on without thinking too much.

Johnnyfinland · 03/11/2018 15:14

I think most people’s understanding of dominance would be things like spanking, the man taking charge, perhaps being vocal in the bedroom. Nothing particularly depraved or abusive. This is clearly what he meant, and you made a huge leap and thought he was a pervert. I can see why he’s offended tbh, but I can also see why it’s a sore point for you given your past and he should have been more considerate than to make a throwaway comment about it if he knew your history. Agree with PP that it appears you are fundamentally incompatible sexually

SuchAToDo · 03/11/2018 15:17

I think you overreacted massively op, he told you he was into dominance, he didn't ask you to do any of that with him, he didn't ask you to watch videos of it, he just shared a fetish..

pinkyredrose · 03/11/2018 15:56

What did he mean by 'dominance'? Is he a Dom or has he been watching 50 shades?

Educator66 · 03/11/2018 16:27

I think you jumped to conclusions and should have asked him to clarify his position. If you google anything like that, you are always presented with the extremes !

Girlfrommars77 · 03/11/2018 16:31

Neither of you were bu...until you apologised for lashing out at you and he didn’t. He should have shown sympathy - if he doesn’t want to hear about things that upset you then you’re well out of it. I’m sorry you saw something so upsetting

Unicornandbows · 03/11/2018 16:32

I think you over reacted and to be fair if you started insulting me after a few months of dating I'd check the hell out

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/11/2018 16:32

I don’t understand why you didn’t ask him what he meant by it and talked about it rather than googling something random that’s turned out to be completely unconnected then letting rip at him.

You have no right to be verbally abusive to him and he might well decide not to stay in the relationship and risk you behaving like that towards him again. You need to take responsibility for what you choose to watch and how you deal with it.

Sammymommy · 03/11/2018 16:33

So you got abusive with him? Your past doesn't excuse everything. I get triggered easily but I don't verbally attack people.

You should have asked him what he meant not searched a video on the internet then blame it on him. It's like googling headache after he complained then think he is dying and yell at him for scaring you. The intermet got sick things on it.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/11/2018 16:42

I think he's right, and also wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone who got so angry over nothing.

bridgetreilly · 03/11/2018 16:44

I think the drama was your fault, tbh. You got angry with him on the basis of something you assumed (by googling, and watching videos) instead of talking to him about what he is actually into. And while I completely get that this was traumatic for you, it doesn't actually correlate with previous experiences. That is, people with all kinds of stuff in their past, can still find BDSM something they enjoy. So I think you were BU to think he should have been able to predict your response.

Whether he's reasonable to have ended the relationship is impossible to know without a lot more detail about how long you've been together, how serious you are and so on.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 03/11/2018 16:47

Your reaction was a bit ott but completely understandable considering your past.
This went wrong because you both should have talked about it, rather than jumping to conclusions.
It's the communication aspect here that concerns me.

Stompythedinosaur · 03/11/2018 16:47

I think you were BU I'm afraid. It doesn't sound like he pressured you to do anything you didn't want to. I don't think it is fair to expect him to have accurately assumed your sexual preferences.

Grimbles · 03/11/2018 16:48

TBF, You didn't haveto watch a video to find out what dominance consists of - you could have just read the definition.

Mossend · 03/11/2018 18:22

I think you were unreasonable sorry.
It doesn't sound like it was a long term relationship so now he's ended it I'd just draw a line under it and move on

MQv2 · 03/11/2018 20:09

He was right to get out of Dodge

No reason to treat him like that and he's read the signs that this wasn't going to work out

OfaFrenchmind2 · 03/11/2018 20:21

You reaction is a bit hard, but frankly, I would steer far away from any guy that is into dominance, especially if they fancy themselves the dom. The power exchange is really not worth it, especially as "looking to push your limits" goes quickly into grooming for actual abuse. Also, there is a very high risk of putting yourself in a situation where love is given on the condition that you submit yourself to more kinks that you are actually ready to accept, or enjoy.
You are well rid of.

Barbie222 · 03/11/2018 20:39

I think it's for the best - you'd have had to work through so much, it's not worth it.

iamyourequal · 03/11/2018 20:43

Yanbu. If you have an upsetting past to which this is relevant, he should have been more sensitive to your situation. I don’t think he sounds the right guy for you and it’s for the best you are parting ways.

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