Who is BU?

[Wazznme]

I've been dating a guy for a couple of months and yesterday he told me that he was into dominance.

I know nothing about it but decided to look it up.
First video I found, happened to give me massive flashbacks to traumatic incidences in my past.
So, me being me, I got angry at him (though he hadn't sent me the video, I googled it).
Now he thinks I'm BU (probably am) for lashing out at him because he really meant just spanking and stuff.
I called him every name under the sun (bear in mind I was crying and traumatised).

AIBU?
WIBU?

My argument was that he should know given my past, that this would never be something I'm interested in. His argument is that I found a sick video which is not representative of what he meant and that I shouldn't have called him a freak/weirdo and then some.

Which of us are wrong?

Sethis I disagree however I'm not trying to get into a debate re toxic masculinity/abuse/violence/misogyny, so will just take your congrats-thanks!- and leave it there.
(If you'd have read what OP said, they aren't just friends, they're potential sexual partners).
Good luck, wazz

Ok, so finally had the discussion. Main thing for him is if woman not turned on, he doesn't enjoy it. Light spanking.

We discussed looking at porn together (I suggested lesbian porn as I find it less violent and he's open to that)
He had a previous partner who was into paddles, whipping and ropes (I've written down 5 years but can't remember whether that was 5 years ago or for five years)
He is completely happy in a 'normal' sexual relationship
Not into BDSM.
Went to a Fetish fair in London and met loads of lovely people.
He gets no enjoyment if woman not enjoying it (crucial point to me).

All in all, I think I can continue a relationship with him.

Why hasn't he had an orgasm with you so far, OP?

I asked him that, and he said it was because he wanted to make me cum and then I just said I need a cigarette! Lol (sorry, I'm not exactly a desirable lady lol). He didn't want to cum before me.

He gets no enjoyment if woman not enjoying it (crucial point to me).

Pretty central tenet of any kink really. Only do what turns you AND your partner on. For me the eroticism comes from pleasuring a woman while she's helpless, or vice versa, not from hurting someone who's helpless.

Make sure if you do progress to using ropes you do so safely. Plenty of non-pornographic rope and knot tutorials out there to make sure everyone is safe and comfortable.

Just keep talking to each other, keep communicating, keep being honest and take everything incredibly slowly. If he's a gentleman he'll seek your opinion at every turn and stop instantly if asked.

It sounds like he was just broaching the subject to suss out sexual compatibility.

Fwiw, being bossy doesn't equal dominance. I'm quite assertive in real life but submissive & a heavy masochist in the bedroom. And out of it, in suitably discreet ways. (And have been to the fetish fair he mentioned... V nice time)

If you're not into it, you don't have to pretend to be. But it has nothing at all to do with abuse (I also have vast history of abuse). I hope you enjoy your experimenting!

Yes, it's reassuring to know that he only wants to turn me on (however he may try that!)
He's a lovely guy with whom I have a lot in common.
I'm mad about him really!

Sounds like pp have already answered your question OP but just thought I'd say anyway, that D/s comes in all shapes and sizes and there is a big difference between a Dom and someone who likes to play dominant occasionally.
Dominance can be tickling someone's body with feathers, a blindfold or even completely non related to sex.
If he is interested in light spanking and you feel comfortable and happy with this, I wouldn't think there was much harm in trying as long as you trust him and communicate honestly with him.
Care needs to be taken with anything heavier and Id suggest you both looked into this together.

Yes, the problem was that he told me initially on Whatsapp rather than in person. Second problem, I had no idea what he was talking about.
I THINK we may be able to have a mutually satisfying relationship. I'm not sure dominance will ever be my thing, but we can try other things. I'm happy that he is open to exploring other things that might excite/satisfy us both. I'm mad about him so really want to satisfy him in bed, but if that doesn't happen, so be it.

I think you have the right attitude OP. Of course if you are into someone you'll want to sexually satisfy them but if the only way of doing that is by forcing yourself into something you don't want to, it's definitely not worth it!!!
On the other hand if you do find mutual grounds and explore new things together, it can be a great way to become close to someone and after all you've been through it sounds like you deserve this.
And just one more thing on the Dom/sub note that I meant to say incase you ever do decide to go down this route- the submissive is always the one with the real control and power.
I hope it works out for you

Thank you agirl
I'm less frightened about it having talked to him. I really don't think dominance would work for me, but I'm willing to try other things in bed. We'll see.

I don’t think he can be blamed for what you sought out yourself and found upsetting, but perhaps he could have managed his explanation better. In any case I think you are better off splitting up because it’s hard to have a functional relationship when your sexual tastes are very different. It’s not fair for you to be upset and uncomfortable because you want to please him.

Well we discussed it all this evening, and I think we could satisfy each other. I just ended up watching some grim shit.
He's lovely and I'm mad about him.

Why didn't you just ask him what he meant?

I'm sure Captain hindsight has reared his head by now and OP realises where she went wrong and what to do in future instead