Who is BU?

[Wazznme]

I've been dating a guy for a couple of months and yesterday he told me that he was into dominance.

I know nothing about it but decided to look it up.
First video I found, happened to give me massive flashbacks to traumatic incidences in my past.
So, me being me, I got angry at him (though he hadn't sent me the video, I googled it).
Now he thinks I'm BU (probably am) for lashing out at him because he really meant just spanking and stuff.
I called him every name under the sun (bear in mind I was crying and traumatised).

AIBU?
WIBU?

My argument was that he should know given my past, that this would never be something I'm interested in. His argument is that I found a sick video which is not representative of what he meant and that I shouldn't have called him a freak/weirdo and then some.

Which of us are wrong?

You aren't right for each other.

As someone who enjoys light-to-medium bondage I think you're an idiot for knowing nothing about it, googling random videos, then screaming at him about the content of the videos.

On the other hand you've suffered past trauma, which has had a huge impact on you emotionally, so I can't 100% blame you for your actions.

However if I was the man mentioned here I would possibly have gotten the fuck out, just like he did. I don't want to reveal my private sexual preferences to a girlfriend and have her scream that I'm a giant pervert into my face.

However I'm also a nice enough guy that if someone apologises to me, then I'll at least reply and accept the apology, even if I had no intention of continuing that relationship.

@OfaFrenchmind2

You're thinking of the worst possible depiction of someone who's into S&M. It's rather like saying you'd avoid anyone who works in the military because they're obviously all violent and dangerous. Plenty of people incorporate S&M in many forms into their sex lives without being abusive. Assuming that an interest in S&M = Sick pervert is a horribly mistaken point of view.

A communication error. Being into bdsm lifestyle he should be a skilled communicator so there are no crossed wires. Thank God you had this mishap outside of the bedroom.

It does seem that you are not compatible from the little you have said. Two months is quite soon to mention such a practice, assuming you met on a standard dating site.

Your past doesn't give you a free pass for being abusive, which you were.

So, you were in the wrong. Absolutely.

Sethis Oh, I have no doubts there are plenty of BDSM practitioners, that are following completely the safe, sane and consensual precept. However, going into it with past trauma, without any pre existing inclination for it, puts anybody at risk, especially of people, mostly men, that just want to exert dominance and/or abuse without the respect and care that should go with it.

@OfaFrenchmind2

Agreed, people who have suffered past abuse are more vulnerable to abusive people hiding such behaviour under other names. Anyone who has suffered in the past should certainly tread carefully going into the future.

However that's a different issue to you saying that anyone professing interest in BDSM is likely to be abusive and you would avoid such people on a matter of principle.

I think YOU over reacted... called him every name under the sun as he enjoys to dominate?! Massivly unreasonable.

I don’t blame him for ending it.

Quite frankly, past experiences, not mine, have taught me that when meeting somebody that appears first as vanilla that reveal themselves later to be into kinks, there is a huge chance they are abusive. Not a pretty story but still true. I am not into kink shaming, but I have no rose colored glasses either.

Well we've agreed to talk tonight on the phone, work commitments means we can't meet.
I've actually looked at some writing about it rather than bloomin videos and I'm concerned that we might not be compatible sexually.
I would venture as far as saying that over the years, I would be more dominant in the bedroom.
I don't know whether he could ever be turned on by what I know is called a vanilla relationship.
I'll update when we talk.

If anyone of you posting knows much about D/s, do you know could the Dominant one ever enjoy or be turned on by a very ordinary sex life? Or am I deluding myself.

'Into dominance' could mean quite a range of things. You jumped to conclusions but so did he, in thinking that was sufficient to explain everything. I would hear him out but I wouldn't feel you have to agree to anything you're not 100% happy with. Nor do you 'owe him' for having blown up at him before.

PS he has never cum with me. Yikes!

Thanks, he seems relatively level headed so I know he wouldn't force me into anything. Strange thing is, if it wasn't for my past, it might have been something I'm willing to try. But I genuinely don't think I could even try this. We'll see what level of it he's talking about.
But I probably have a dominant personality, and have never been with anyone into kink. Ever.

Anyway, we've agreed to be friends even if it doesn't work out as a relationship which I'm happy with as he's a nice guy.

Someone upthread mentioned the dominant one being more vocal. I think he might be like this. Don't want to give the specifics, but I suspect that is what he is into. I don't know anything until I talk to him and I'm not sure how much he is going to be willing to tell me.

That took an x rated turn very quickly.

Who me? Purpledaisies?

If it's in reference to him not cumming, that's what I'm worried about - that he won't get turned on by normal sex.

Before we had the massive row, (didn't start out that way), he said that of course he enjoys sex with me.
Now I'm starting to think that he probably didn't/doesn't.

Again, anyone who knows anything about this, are there specific questions I should ask him tonight?

Didn't he dump you? Now we are all talking kinky here? Mmmhmhh.

Ask him what's he's into

He said he's into dominance, I had an ex once who said the same, turned out he wanted me to be dominant, no issue with that in terms of sex, except I lost all respect for him because that trait continued out of the bedroom, he wanted a mummy figure in his life and I very much appreciate independence in partners. Maybe that's an angle to consider OP , with your history being the submissive one is no go, but maybe you're willing to try a few things the other way around?

No, he has said he's the one who likes being dominant.
Maybe it could work with me being dominant but I'm not sure I could even do that lol. I really have lead a very innocent sex life.

Ok, maybe dominant isn't the best way to have described myself. More bossy.

Have to wait and see. It's probably going to be 8 or 9 before I get talking to him. If there's anything to update, I will.
I will try to keep calm and listen and maybe digest whatever he tells me before reacting.