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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU?

91 replies

Wazznme · 03/11/2018 14:13

I've been dating a guy for a couple of months and yesterday he told me that he was into dominance.

I know nothing about it but decided to look it up.
First video I found, happened to give me massive flashbacks to traumatic incidences in my past.
So, me being me, I got angry at him (though he hadn't sent me the video, I googled it).
Now he thinks I'm BU (probably am) for lashing out at him because he really meant just spanking and stuff.
I called him every name under the sun (bear in mind I was crying and traumatised).

AIBU?
WIBU?

My argument was that he should know given my past, that this would never be something I'm interested in. His argument is that I found a sick video which is not representative of what he meant and that I shouldn't have called him a freak/weirdo and then some.

Which of us are wrong?

OP posts:
Sethis · 05/11/2018 17:11

Well there really isn't enough info to be getting on with.

Is he into lifestyle D/s? This means that the Dom-Sub relationship continues outside the bedroom.

Is he 100% D, or is he a switcher? A switcher is someone who enjoys playing both roles from time to time.

If he's into bedroom kinks, specifically what does he like? Light bondage/heavy bondage? Materials? Level of pain? What props? What fantasies?

The list is about as long as there are people on it.

Original poster
Wazznme · 05/11/2018 19:15

Thanks for those questions Sethis. Will ask the ones that make sense to me. I don't really know what bondage is (is that tying up?) so don't know the difference between light or heavy. This is going to be an education if nothing else

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Sethis · 05/11/2018 19:18

Just treat it like someone explaining their hobby of anything else. Treat it like knitting. Ask questions, be curious, don't be offended and it should all be grand!

Yes, bondage is tying up. Can range from just a pair of handcuffs or a necktie around the wrists to suspending someone from the ceiling with plenty of middle ground between!

Original poster
Wazznme · 05/11/2018 19:19

I think I'm going to take notes as that keeps me more concentrated and then if there's stuff I don't understand I can google afterwards rather than forgetting them. I'm actually shitting a brick here. No idea what I'm going to be told! It's also likely he'll tell me fuck all because he doesn't think I'm able for it (also possibly true).

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Original poster
Wazznme · 05/11/2018 19:21

And 50 shades of grey keeps coming up in everything I google but I've never read the damned book!

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selepele · 05/11/2018 19:21

he didn't know about your past

Racecardriver · 05/11/2018 19:22

But of course you were unreasonable. You’ve experienced severe trauma by the sounds of it. Nobody expects reasonableness from victims of assault. Be kind to yourself and expect him to be kind as well. His reaction isn’t great tbf. I can understand why he is indignant but if he knew about what happened I would expect a bit more compassion.

Original poster
Wazznme · 05/11/2018 19:23

Oh Christ, I really don't think I'm going to be into any of this. Awful pity as we're absolutely great together other than this bombshell. My past doesn't haunt me really, but sometimes it comes up like a smack in the face with odd things.

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Sethis · 05/11/2018 19:27

50 Shades is not a good representation of Bondage. It's a mentally disturbed abusive person being healed at the end of the third book by the power of true love. And some sex happens.

By all means take notes, and don't feel intimidated - the guy already knows you're sensitive about it all, I don't think he's going to invite you back to his dungeon just yet... If in doubt, a polite "Thanks for telling me about it, but I don't know anything about your taste in music... what do you listen to?" should end that line of conversation and let you have a nice evening.

Have fun!

Original poster
Wazznme · 05/11/2018 19:27

He knows I am not long out of an abusive relationship (haven't gone into the details of the assaults with him so he wouldn't have known ex tried to strangle me for e.g.). He also knows I was raped, but again, I think when you say that, people might think sometimes (well it's the impression I get off people) that maybe it was some sort of consent issue, but this was a particularly violent rape. Christ, don't know why I'm even dating!

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Original poster
Wazznme · 05/11/2018 19:30

Basically, I'm that sensitive now to abuse, that one cross word will have me dumping you. So I can't imagine that what I've read, would ever serve to turn me on, rather only to fucking traumatise me. We'll see. I'll update whenever he calls.

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Original poster
Wazznme · 05/11/2018 19:31

I'm shaking I'm that bloody nervous!

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Original poster
Wazznme · 05/11/2018 19:32

And I'm sorry if anyone is reading this and does use this in the bedroom. It's my issues really, so no offense is intended.

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teaandtoast · 05/11/2018 19:34

Given that he knows about your past, could he think you're an easy target for his 'dominance'? Just seems a bit strange to me.

Original poster
Wazznme · 05/11/2018 19:37

And in fairness to him, we've only had sex once. He said something (which I thought was him being offended by something I was doing, so I stopped), but that leads me to believe that he might be vocal as someone said in the bedroom. He also quite hurtfully bit my nipple, but again, I put that down to him just not knowing what hurts and what doesn't. I asked to give him a lovebite (because sex was lovely otherwise) and he was fine with that. But he didn't cum, so I'm wondering what does he need to make him cum. Christ I'm so fucking innocent in some ways! Arrrgh!

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Original poster
Wazznme · 05/11/2018 19:42

He knows nothing about my past really only that I left a violent relationship and that I was raped a couple of years ago. I never went into more detail than that. He seems really kind and gentlemanly otherwise, so this is a totally new one on me. He can be bossy with telling me to do stuff, which I don't mind (everyday things - like - update LinkedIn today babe), but I really am so fucking innocent about this stuff in the bedroom. I actually thought it was only depraved individuals on drugs who did that shit. Not anyone in real life. I've never experienced it and my only fear is that I'll never be able to engage in that with him and that he'll never get turned on by boring sex.

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whyraed · 05/11/2018 19:46

If your not sexually compatible, you not sexually compatible.

You e only had sex once? Why are you so hell bent about talking about it if your so nervous. It not for you, you've told him. Leave it there.

By the way, this phone call could be part of his 'dominance' game. He knows you are certainly not into it, this could be a turn on for him to get you to do it.

He could be a lovely guy on the other hand. But still not for you.

Original poster
Wazznme · 05/11/2018 19:51

No, I don't think it's a dominance game, he wanted to meet me this evening to talk about it in person but I can't, because I've an interview tomorrow so am trying to focus on that and get an early night, then he's away in various parts of England until Friday when he's out with the lads (seems to be his thing - doesn't bother me), so tonight is really the only night we could have met (what he wanted to do), or talk (what I wanted to do).
We've been dating 2 months and I got no indication of him being anything other than very kind, caring, considerate and loving, so this sex thing is an absolute bolt from the blue to me.

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BlancheM · 05/11/2018 19:54

It's not that you're naive and innocent, it's just that for him to get off, he needs to be sexually violent to a woman. He is not right for you, he is right for someone else who for their own reasons, is more compatible with him.
You don't need this in your life. And that's ok.

Original poster
Wazznme · 05/11/2018 19:54

I think it matters to me more because everything else between us is so right. This is a whole new world to me though.

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Original poster
Wazznme · 05/11/2018 19:56

Blanche, that's kinda what I told him when I went off on one with him after watching whatever stupid video I watched!

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Original poster
Wazznme · 05/11/2018 19:58

Well I'm going to hear him out, see what he tells me, what he doesn't, I think I know more what I'm talking about now, so will get a better feel for what he likes.

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Sethis · 05/11/2018 20:00

it's just that for him to get off, he needs to be sexually violent to a woman.

Congratulations on completely misrepresenting everything to do with BDSM in one sentence.

However you're right in that it sounds like @Wazznme and him aren't too compatible sexually, which is why it's nice they're meeting up as friends and just friends.

Chat with him, have a nice drink, talk about this, or indeed anything else, then say goodnight. No stress, no drama, no need to worry about anything.

Original poster
Wazznme · 05/11/2018 20:06

No, he's ringing me. In ten minutes. I have your questions Sethis. Lol, I'm such a nerd.

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Original poster
Wazznme · 05/11/2018 20:09

And we've agreed to try a relationship again, so this isn't just friends. It's just that if it can't work out, we'll still be friends.

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