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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dh harassing me in the bath is not normal ?

121 replies

LardLizard · 03/11/2018 10:43

He’s done this now two weeks in the trot
Last week he apologised, this morning I get up at 6.30 as the pet needed to go out
Fine no problem, then my youngest age 5 gets up at 7, I’m shattered so tell him to play on the iPad in his room for a while
Then dh gets up at 930, needs to leave at 10 for an activity, so as soon as dh gets up he starts ranting about dc being on the tablet
I go for a bath, so I can get ready for the day myself then he comes in the bathroom ranting again about the tablet
And having a go at dc
He’s bought him in to brush his teeth, I say nicely could you please do that in the en-suite as I’m tryig to wash my hair
Dh says no we are running late in a horrible way
I say it will only take you ten seconds to move to the en-suite
He just carries on and starts having a go at dc and me and going on and on about the tablet
Still continued to brush his teeth in there, now my oldest child is upset as well as hearing all this
I said to him if you were in the toilet goign for a poo, I wouldn’t bring dc in here to get there teeth brushed, I’d grab the stuff and go to another bathroom
Just makes me feel harassed as I’m obviously naked in the bath
And it’s like I have no space or privicy
And all the shouting

OP posts:
ButchyRestingFace · 03/11/2018 11:24

Most bathroom door locks are overridden from the outside in seconds just by a turn.

Get a lock with a chain. Grin

Your husband sounds delightful in the morning.

skyesayshi · 03/11/2018 11:25

YANBU. You are entitled to your privacy and boundaries, so it is time to start locking the door.

Our door had a key which we used to hang on a high hook on the bak of the door, but one day after it was left in the door and DD 3yo locked herself in the bathroom we put a bolt on up high out of her reach.

Either a bolt or a hook would work fine and can be fitted very easily.

If he shouts too much, then that is a concern and he needs to address that behaviour if the DC are noticing it. Is he stressed out at work or with wider family issues?

Although, if he had to be out the door at 10am, he should have got up earlier than 9.30am.

ButchyRestingFace · 03/11/2018 11:25

Why don’t you have your bath earlier

Why should she? They have two bathrooms.

skyesayshi · 03/11/2018 11:28

Our door lock wasn't visible from the outside of the bathroom door, so XH had to break the door and remove the lock to let DD out. She was inside screaming "let me out let me out", but had taken the key out and couldn't get the key back into the lock so was blaming us for shutting her in there Grin.

Ginger1982 · 03/11/2018 11:28

I think if you were both lying in bed until 9.30 then you both need to get a bit of a grip.

CottonTailRabbit · 03/11/2018 11:28

Why would he need to go upstairs to apologise? If DH and I have been dicks to each other in front of the children we apologise in front of the children. Otherwise how do they learn how to do relationships?

Also, doesn't he owe the children an apology too?

Your life doesn't sound happy.

BrickByBrick · 03/11/2018 11:29

Why did she..... have a shower, have a bath earlier/later, put the DC in front of their tablets.....

Why her? Why is she being singled out?

The same questions should be asked of him. He seems to be getting a free ride here.

BackToTheFuschia7 · 03/11/2018 11:29

Can’t believe some of these replies. No it is not normal and not ok for him to barge in shouting at you. The fact you’re naked and vulnerable adds another nasty streak to the whole thing.

His comment about how you look is also horrible and not how you speak to someone you love.

pinkdelight · 03/11/2018 11:29

Quick bath sounds like a contradiction to me and 9:30 an unusual time to have one, esp for hairwashing - all that sounds like shower territory to me. That said, your DH sounds like a dick and should either get up earlier or not take umbrage about ipads and lateness. It doesn't sound like a good relationship and this sounds like just one of the symptoms.

DonaldDucksTowel · 03/11/2018 11:30

You need to decide who gets a lie in on which day
You both tried to get one today and it resulted in your 5 year old being unsupervised on a screen for 2 and a half hours, plus lots of rushing and stressing

Also baths are a night time activity to me, showers are quick need to get ready washes, baths to relax in when the dc are in bed so no-one shouting at you

You are both being U

LannieDuck · 03/11/2018 11:31

He doesn't want DC on the iPad in the morning, so I assume you've both discussed this calmly and agreed a limit? And also that he's doing half of the early morning childcare to enforce this rule?

...or not?

RomanyRoots · 03/11/2018 11:31

Get a lock for the door, then tackle your biggest issue, your dh abusive rants.
Perhaps suggest he gets up earlier to take ds to the activity and that he parents ds so he doesn't need the tablet.

MrsStrowman · 03/11/2018 11:32

There's more going on here, in relation to this morning what did you do between 7-9:30 while your DC was on a tablet? I think you might also have to accept that Saturday mornings are not a good bath time unless you have one early if others are rushing around to get out, just have a quick shower or get up early and have a bath another time if you want privacy. DH comes and sits on the toilet (lid down) and chats to me in the bath I have no issue with that.
The shouting etc is another issue that needs dealing with. It really sounds like you and DH don't communicate very well and there's tit for tat going on. You need to sit down and talk properly away from the children and not about minute day to day things but the state of your relationship, you are both blowing small things out of proportion.

BrickByBrick · 03/11/2018 11:32

back that comment had slipped from my mind when typing, an absolutely horrible thing to say, but the op is the one being U because she gasp had a bath.

RomanyRoots · 03/11/2018 11:33

No, his behaviour isn't normal, show him this thread.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/11/2018 11:36

No, this isn't normal for me. None of it. It doesn't sound like you like each other very much.
In our house, if we'd both fancied a lie in cos we're knackered, we would have both done that, and wouldn't have minded dc playing on an iPad for the duration. I think playing on an iPad for two hours in a non shouty, pleasant environment, is better for a child than some kind of structured activity, together with shouting and stress; if those are the only two options available!
Then, if I take a bath, I wouldn't have minded my family coming in, and there would have been no shouting. But, if I wanted a bath in peace, I would have told me dh and children that, and they would have given me peace.
So, sorry, no, your situation doesn't sound pleasant for anyone.

InertPotato · 03/11/2018 11:36

Has he assigned you the task of keeping your kid off the ipad while he's asleep, or is this a mutual decision?

Your post is pretty confusing.

MrsStrowman · 03/11/2018 11:38

@BrickByBrick I don't think it's just that, he was unreasonable to lie in until nine thirty but if she got up at seven but did nothing for two and a half hours other than tell the child to watch the tablet for all that time, she's no different. This exact same thing happened last Saturday, surely it's on both of them to discuss it and sort out a plan for this week, eg a lie in each or different morning schedule. He's VU for shouting but this is a bigger issue than Saturday bath times.

MicroManaged · 03/11/2018 11:39

Both get out of bed before 9.30?

Don’t expect a leisurely bath on a busy Saturday morning when everyone’s trying to get ready?

I think yabu. Tbh you sound whiny and irritating.

DishingOutDone · 03/11/2018 11:41

OP you should know better than to post in AIBU you needed this on Relationships really. But then you also must surely have known before you asked, this is not reasonable or normal. Your DH is using this as a form of control - making you feel shit is particularly effective when you are naked (i.e., in the bath) and his shouting is making your DCs feel anxious. So basically you don't have a bathroom problem but you do have a DH problem - has he got form? Surely this isn't just about two Saturdays?

What else is going on?

MicroManaged · 03/11/2018 11:45

His comment about how you look is also horrible and not how you speak to someone you love

How pearl clutchy and ridiculous. It depends on wording, tone and context surely?

The op said he said she looked like a hobo/homeless person in a jokey manner.

Last night I dropped to sleep on the sofa and my (wonderful, loving and non-abusive) dh pissed himself laughing and said the exact same to me when I woke up (my hair was wild, I did!).

Only on mn must adults at all times speak like they’re in a bloody a Bronte novel or else be considered abusive Hmm

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 03/11/2018 11:45

My ex used to come and have a shit every single time I got in the bath. It was a power move. This sounds similar.

TeaByTheSeaside · 03/11/2018 11:45

There's a few issues going on here.

  1. Your DH has an issue with DC on tablet. You need to have a calm talk about your joint plan of action.

  2. Your DH staying in bed until 9.30. Is this normal/ agreed?

  3. you having a bath in the family bathroom when other family members need to use it. Could you have had a shower in your en-suite instead or had your bath earlier?

  4. total lack of boundaries which needs to be sorted. (By the way you don't need a lock on the door. Just get a doorstop like the one in the picture and jam it under the door when you're inside. They won't be able to open it then. )

To think dh harassing me in the bath is not normal ?
LittleBookofCalm · 03/11/2018 11:47

You are both being unreasonable by the sound of things, what about your dc? Being ignored? Left to their own devices?

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/11/2018 11:51

Also baths are a night time activity to me, showers are quick need to get ready washes That's how you view them. Other people view them differently, and their views have equal validity.