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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU me or DP?

112 replies

Linziepie · 03/11/2018 08:21

I have been up since 2:30am with 10 week old baby. I sleep in the spare room every night with baby as DP can't stand to be woken up (shitty, cold room, uncomfortable single bed but put up with it).

DP goes to toilet at 6:00 and I tell him I have been up all night with her. He is nice and picks her up for a bit but won't settle so I take her back and he goes back to bed.
At 7:15 I give up and go downstairs. I put baby in her chair in front of a baby sensory video which normally settles her for around 15mins. After two mins the tv goes on mute by itself. I unmute it and it keeps happening. Think TV is broken, baby starts whinging and I start messing with tv to try to fix it. Then volume goes down. It clicks that DP must somehow be controlling it. Text him and he says he has app on his phone and that its too loud.

I didn't know he had this app until then. I call him selfish after knowing I had been up all night to do that and he should have just text me to turn it down. He says I am selfish for having it on so loud and keeping him awake (he is off today and slept all night).

It wasn't loud, normal volume and its just a calming, xylophone noise (no singing) but
if he had asked me I would have turned it down instead of making think the TV had broken and let baby start whinging.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 03/11/2018 09:41

Oh my god OP why are you letting him treat you and your dc so badly!?!?!?!

I’d be moving right back into the main bedroom for
Starters with dc and if he doesn’t like it then HE moves into the cold and uncomfortable bedroom.
HE also gets up with dc on the days he’s not working so you can have a rest
Wtf is wrong with peoples partners at the moment and why do people accept it! Fucking put your foot down op

AhoyDelBoy · 03/11/2018 09:42

Argh, this’ll be a thread where the OP doesn’t return because everyone is saying what a wanker her P is. Which he is.
I was sort of gritting my teeth reading the OP. You know HIBU, no one will tell you any different.

Girlicorne · 03/11/2018 09:43

he is, massively. he should have stayed up at 6am and let you get some sleep!!! I d be absolutely fuming!!!

Alfie190 · 03/11/2018 09:46

I would really hate to have created a child with this waste of space.

abbsisspartacus · 03/11/2018 09:47

Have you ever had the main room? You argued about this before you moved in so why did you agree to this? Move out get your own place

Doyoumind · 03/11/2018 09:51

I wouldn't be surprised if OP doesn't come back when she is being blamed for her DP's behaviour.

When you have a new baby and you're tired and living in a bubble you can lose perspective, especially when someone acts as if you are the unreasonable one. Be kind people!

I'm biased because I lived through this and left but imho there's no point talking to her DP about this and getting him to pull his socks up. He's shown his true colours. He doesn't put her or the baby first and that should be an absolute dealbreaker, but thinking about leaving when you have a new baby is a big step.

Witchesbritches · 03/11/2018 09:51

He’s being a complete twat. He’s had a full night sleep, he shouldn’t have given you DD back at 6, he should have taken her downstairs and sorted her out. If he couldn’t settle her, wrapped her up cosy and taken her for walk.

He is also being a twat about the bedrooms. He might have to work, but you have to look after his baby. You are the one who has been pregnant and given birth and whose body is recovering from that. Move back into YOUR bedroom and if he doesn’t be want to be woken, he can go into the spare room. His problem to fix. Did he not realise babies wake in the night?

StoppinBy · 03/11/2018 09:56

Just wanted to add that my hubby had two weeks off when both our babies were born, for those two weeks he got up, got baby, changed nappies between boob changes etc etc

once he went back to work he still did it at least once overnight and all the feeds for the weekend. He would never ever have suggested that bubs and I move to the spare room.

Even now my hubby will get our toddler (18mnth old) up in the morning and do breaky for the kids etc so I can sleep in on the weekends as he has only just started to sleep through the night in the last couple of months with up to 4 wake ups a night until then (poor thing has had numerous colds/ear infections etc since he was born which has effected his sleep a fair but) and my tolerance for not sleeping is pretty low lol.

Blondebakingmumma · 03/11/2018 10:00

I’m confused. If your partner had the day off, why wasn’t he sharing the baby duties overnight?

Secondly he should be in the spare room, not you

NordicNobody · 03/11/2018 10:01

As if, after all that, he's gone and got in the fucking bath! He's had a full nights sleep, a lie in, and he still thinks he needs an extra bit of me time when you've been up all night?! I'd be seriously reconsidering my relationship with this twat. Definitely don't have any more kids with him.

PepsiLola · 03/11/2018 10:04

I'd tell him he's looking after the baby while you go back to sleep. Say you'll be up in four hours to give her some milk but until then he has to sit with the tv on mute

dontalltalkatonce · 03/11/2018 10:06

Another person who has procreated with a cunt. There is FA lovely about him. Taking care of your own child is not 'helping out'. I'd tell him he needs to leave. He won't go, though, because he's a cunt. Do you have anywhere to go? That app would be the end of everything for me. I'd never want to see this cunt ass waste of space again in my life.

peachgreen · 03/11/2018 10:11

What a waste of space. As everyone else has rightly said, he should be in the spare room, he should have taken the baby at 6am so you could go to bed and get some sleep, and he absolutely shouldn't have adjusted the volume on the TV or even dared to complain about it tbh. He's treating you like a mug OP. Don't apologise to him, tell him he needs to shape up and start being a father.

EvaHarknessRose · 03/11/2018 10:14

This is awful OP. Leave it this morning but then you need to assert with him that his needs are not primary (this can be a shock to some males). (Ffs is he seeing having a long hot bath as his contribution as a parent today?) Establish some parenting equality

  • person not looking after baby moves to less comfortable room
  • person who has slept takes baby for two hours in the morning (or one if they are going off to work)
  • person who is looking after baby makes decisions about volume and disturbance
Because you know, YOUR dd is the most important here and every little baby should be. And if you are the primary carer then he is in a supporting role and your needs also trump his because of this amazing job you are doing looking after your dc so he can maintain a job and career without going bust (while jeopordising your career prospects and pension). He sounds controlling - if you are unable to assert some new rules you need to think seriously about what your future with him will be like.
Therealjudgejudy · 03/11/2018 10:20

Wow...Just wow. Another mug who procreated with a selfish manchild.

nellieellie · 03/11/2018 10:23

Oh this is so unfair. My DH has a fairly intensive long hours type job. He knew though that looking after a new baby was FAR more exhausting than anything he did though. Although I was breastfeeding he would help every night doing happy changes.
The idea of being exiled to a crappy room so your DP can continue his unbroken sleep! OMG! Just NO!
He should be doing his bit - getting up early on his day off to give you a break, not secretly turning off the tv volume so you can’t calm the baby. To be honest, if my DH had dome anything so malicious and nasty, I’d have tipped a bowl of water over him to break his egocentric, selfish, twattish slumber.

ID81241 · 03/11/2018 10:23

What a selfish prick. I'm normally try to see both sides but your partner is a sorry excuse for a man. Sorry OP but if you don't put your foot down now it will only get worse. You need to mine back into the main room at least to send a message. What will you be teaching your daughter about how daughters, wives and mothers deserve to be treated and their role in a home if you allow him to continue treat you both with the contempt he has shown so far.

nellieellie · 03/11/2018 10:24

...nappy changes, not happy changes!...

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 03/11/2018 10:25

I EBF a non sleeper. We moved to every room in the house to try and get her to sleep and my husband slept somewhere else. There wasn't much he could do as also struggled to settle her but he did try and rock her to sleep at least once a night, if I was v v tired he would walk her round the streets for a while as this kept her quiet for an hour. We slept in separate rooms but the last thing he said every night was to come and get him if I needed him. He also did night wakings with our toddler and got up with her in the morning so I could have a lie in. He has a demanding job with long hours and a motorway commute.

I thought most partners would do this, even if working, as no one likes being tired and you can't leave the person looking after the baby to get more and more tired until they collapse! In your case I'd have expected him to take over from 6am when he got up and just bring her to you for sleepy feeds and whip her away as soon as she's finished so you can go back to bed!

I don't understand people that think having a baby shouldnt imoact on your life at all or your sleep because you work outside the home rather than inside it!

Fadingmemory · 03/11/2018 10:25

Give and take... your give already is getting up in the night & getting up early. His give should be to sleep in the spare room AND share the early mornings. Whoever is getting up early takes baby into comfortable room. He is vvU - no give, just take. And, as for controlling the TV from the bedroom, words fail me.

foxbox99 · 03/11/2018 10:30

He's being a cunt.

Baby gets the warm room. If he doesn't want to be in same room as baby then he can fuck off into the spare room.

Regarding everything else - agree with all other posters. What a selfish prick.

BackInRed · 03/11/2018 10:37

He's a selfish asshole and the app thing is so passive aggressive and douchy.

He should fuck off to the spare room.

Forgotmycoat · 03/11/2018 11:08

I really don't understand why women put up with this sort of behaviour. And then describe their partners as lovely and awesome etc etc.

He kicked you and a new born baby out of your room. It doesn't get more selfish than that. He's not a great dad. No decent man would want his partner and new baby to sleep in a cold room.

PityParty · 03/11/2018 11:13

Please don't put up with being in the crap room another night, it's not right and his attitude this morning was terrible

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/11/2018 11:16

My dad (68 now) remembers getting up with me in the night I don't know about babyhood, but as a pre-schooler, if I was crying in the night it was always my dad who came. That was in the 50s, he had work next day, and she was a SAHM. YANBU