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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hold out for more money

111 replies

inmyshoos · 03/11/2018 00:20

My exh moved in our old family home although when we split I signed it over to him with the understanding that when our ds who lives with him turns 18 we will look at him giving me what I'm due from the house.
I'm short of money now and tbh would like to be able to draw a line under this.

He has offered me 20k now as a full and final settlement and he waves right to anything of mine (like my pension, he doesn't have one) or i can wait at least another 8 years and if the house prices in area remain steady I should be due around 50k.

AIBU to hold out for more? He can't borrow anymore as only works pt because he has ds so if I want money now that's the offer but I'm due more.

OP posts:
NE14T · 03/11/2018 13:53

The thing I find most interesting about this thread is that considering how mumsnetters appear to stand up for feminism and equality, there are so many posters asking pre (and post!) reveal, why she left her son with her husband....

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 03/11/2018 13:54

Why do people post reverse!!! It's so annoying!!

My post still stands no matter which way around it is, the person asking to go against the arranged agreement shouldn't expect much.

category12 · 03/11/2018 13:54

I really wish this hadn't be a reverse, it has really confused people. This is why reverses are bad, mmm'kay.

ivykaty44 · 03/11/2018 14:06

Refuse to get drawn into this, tell him it’s not up for debate.

You have 8 years to work out how to raise 50k
And in that time anything can happen.
One thing that will happen is your mortgage will be smaller, £50k will be smaller, you will probably be working full time....many things

Don’t give it another thought- what’s he going to do?

ivykaty44 · 03/11/2018 14:09

NE14

Yes interesting, do these same posters ask why fathers leave their children?

category12 · 03/11/2018 14:29

Yes, because feminism is all about women's rights to leave their children without being stigmatised for it Hmm. That's really what we should be fighting for.

JustBeReasonable · 03/11/2018 14:33

Yes, because feminism is all about women's rights to leave their children without being stigmatised for it hmm. That's really what we should be fighting for.

Well, yes, actually, we should be fighting for society to realise that women are not solely responsible for childcare, men can look after children, women are not always good parents, and men usually make fantastic parents.

Surely you don't actually think otherwise?

category12 · 03/11/2018 14:35

No, we have a responsibility for our children and should be about men taking up more responsibility, not racing to the bottom.

MrsChollySawcutt · 03/11/2018 14:38

Whatever else you do, do NOT pay your ex a penny more without having had some proper legal advice.

The worst case scenario here is that you scrape together £20k+ thinking it's a full and final settlement and he finds out it's not legally binding and comes back for another scoop.

You need to protect yourself and your DC - pay for the professional advice you need. Why on earth didn't you do that before, it should have come out of the £7k you gave him last time.

Stop feeding his needs. Look after yourself and the DC.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 03/11/2018 14:42

Tell him he already had £20k when you paid off his debts.

ID81241 · 03/11/2018 15:00

OP you're being silly. I'm a solicitor (not a family one but one that understands the legal and financial implications of not getting legal advice early enough.) You NEED to heed others advice and see a solicitor asap or you may live to regret it and I can almost guarantee that you will lose more money in the long run if you don't. You don't even know the legal standing of the ad hoc agreement you made with your ex - without this information how are you expecting to make any sort of informed decision?! It's foolish to say that you don't want to throw money at a solicitor - that's ok - you'll be throwing money at your ex instead. I bet he's already received legal advice which may be why he is putting pressure on you.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/11/2018 15:02

It's always best to enter negotiations from a position of knowledge. And knowledge IS power. Why would you want to walk into 'what he wants' totally blind to what your rights are? That would be foolish. As most things we do out of 'pride' are foolish.

You don't want to come to some agreement with him on your own, contact a solicitor to draw up papers only to have them say "Are you insane? Why on earth did you agree to this?" and find that you could have done things in much more advantageous way.

Gemini69 · 03/11/2018 15:06

I can't believe OP is going to just hand over £20K to Him.. without any legal papers protecting herself of her kids in 8 years... beggars belief really Flowers

Original poster
inmyshoos · 03/11/2018 15:51

gemini I wouldn't hand over 20k and just expect ex to stick to the deal. If he verbally agreed to 20k full and final settlement I would get a solicitor to do all the necessary to make it legally binding and also sort our divorce simultaneously . Currently we are separated not divorced.
The agreement was read over by a friend of mine who is a solicitor and she said in terms of how legally binding an agreement could be this was as good as any. In other words if we had paid to have our solicitors draw one up it could still be contested down the line, just like the one we have. It has all the legal jargon in it, we didn't just make it up ourselves.

As for legal advice now, I have had some advice (through Womens Aid) and i know ex will be entitled to a pay out.
Just because he came in with nothing and took all he could get, the starting point is still 50/50.

OP posts:
MrsChollySawcutt · 03/11/2018 15:58

So you aren't separated or divorced at all but have handed over all your savings to facilitate him getting a mortgage!?

Original poster
inmyshoos · 03/11/2018 16:13

We are separated and have been for almost 2 years. We just aren't divorced yet.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 03/11/2018 16:32

OK. And this is very IMPORTANT!

You are still legally married. That very well may mean that although the house is in your sole name, it is stil legallyl a joint marital asset! Which mean your agreement means less than nothing and that he could probably force a sale on you.

I don't think you understand how imperative getting legal advice is for you! You may be in a very precarious position!

Vixxxy · 03/11/2018 17:19

Definitely get legal advise. ASAP.

I don't understand the point of reverses? Makes no sense at all to me.

MrsChollySawcutt · 03/11/2018 17:29

OP you have acted rashly and seem to think you have agreed a divorce settlement including payment of lump cash sums and monthly maintenance without having taken any advice and crucially without actually getting legally divorced.

You're getting totally shafted here and leaving it open for him to come back for another bite of the cherry.

Get advice and stop giving him your hard earned money.

ShalomJackie · 03/11/2018 17:30

Bloody hell - the fact you are not divorced makes this even worse. See a solicitor, get divorced and sort out financials once and for all.

I too am a solicitor and would never presume to draw up an agreement for a friend the way yours has!! Was it a friend of his??

Allthewaves · 03/11/2018 17:47

Go and get divorced and sort this out properly

category12 · 03/11/2018 18:29

You've been separated two years, get a divorce and get the financial settlement done and dusted. Your dad will be better loaning you the money for the lawyer and divorce than paying off the bloke while you're still married. That's just crazy.

ivykaty44 · 04/11/2018 07:46

Surely though if they are still married and he has purchased another property then the op is also due a part share of that property - op put the deposit down and they are still married

Atalune · 04/11/2018 07:56

Your solicitor mate hasn’t given you shoddy advice.

You’re still married? That’s a whole heap of trouble right there. You must divorce.

Atalune · 04/11/2018 07:57

*has!!!