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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no?!? It’s a wedding one....

104 replies

WeddingNC · 02/11/2018 20:39

NC’d for this as can’t risk a massive family fall out.

My sister is getting married on May bank holiday next year. Love her fiancé, whole family very excited including us.

Wedding venue has just been booked, gorgeous place about 10 miles from home. All good so far.

Sister wants all immediate family to stay in the wedding hotel for THREE NIGHTS. Friday, Saturday of the wedding and the Sunday. Here comes the problem.

DH and I have two DC, aged just 1 and 3. The hotel only has tiny normal UK hotel sized rooms. No suites, no adjoining rooms, no big family rooms. So sister is effectively asking the four of us to live out of one bedroom for an entire bank holiday weekend when our own home is only a few miles away.

Aside from the worry of what the hell we’re going to do with two energetic toddlers in a hotel for two full days with nothing organised, AIBU for wanting to only stay on the night of the wedding???

I can’t imagine any of us getting any sleep at all when the room is so small that even the hotel themselves recommend no travel cots! We’ll all disturb each other all night and be too tired to celebrate. I also don’t want to think about getting us all ready for the wedding in a room with no floor space and a tiny en-suite shower, and no way of really entertaining the DC.

So, AIBU to suggest that we’ll join early on the morning of the wedding and stay over just the night of the wedding? We’re happy to join each day as early as they want and stay as late as we can, just don’t want to all stay in a room that’s smaller than my bedroom!

DH and I are putting this out the MN jury as we don’t want to be precious or cause any offence. We’re the only ones in the family with young children and I know my sister doesn’t really understand what she is asking of us, she just wants us all to be together for the most time possible.

What would you do?

OP posts:

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 02/11/2018 21:42

Well one of you is going to have to be lying silently in a dark hotel room trying not to wake everyone else while the other is with the wedding party.

I think wanting to make it into an event is one thing. Giving a shit where people sleep is another. Unless you're all having a bit sleepover in a yurt or something.

Just say to her you've looked into it and the rooms are too small for travel cots etc so you'll stay one night if she wants you to (tbh I'd get your husband and kids to go home or someone else to come collect the kids and put them to bed) and you'll be there in the daytime for any family stuff or events she wants you all to attend but you want to be there for her, and you're worried comforting out of sorts small children all night won't allow you to do that, and you don't want her weekend to be ruined by fractious whiny kids who haven't slept

Boohissmiss · 02/11/2018 21:44

Will then hotel allow you all in the one room?

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 02/11/2018 21:49

God no. I couldn’t do a full 3 nights. Just tell it like it is.

InfiniteVariety · 02/11/2018 21:51

I don't understand why she cares one way or the other where you sleep - am I missing something? What does it matter to her whether you stay in the hotel or at home?

DeaflySilence · 02/11/2018 22:00

"The hotel only has tiny normal UK hotel sized rooms. No suites, no adjoining rooms, no big family rooms."

Could you have two double/twin rooms, either next door to each other or (better still) facing each other across a corridor.

You sleep in one with one child and your DH sleep in the other with the other child, and all four of you use both rooms for general purpose when not actually yet going to bed (dressing, washing, reading stories, having snack, etc).

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 02/11/2018 22:04

NO. Why on earth would you do this?

You live nearby - there is no need to stay in the hotel. End of! Even on the wedding night it barely makes sense, but definitely not for three days. NO NO NO.

Knittedfairies · 02/11/2018 22:06

You’re definitely not being unreasonable. I certainly wouldn’t be staying in a hotel 10 miles from home, in one room with two toddlers. For three nights. Sheesh.

TheSpooktacular · 02/11/2018 22:09

Why do you all need to stay the Sunday night too? What are you going to be doing on the Sunday that require you all to stay Sunday night? Do the venue not have another wedding that day?

user1andonly · 02/11/2018 22:10

If your parents can afford it, I'd be inclined to go along with it as it will be very useful for you to have a room to leave your things, take the children to the loo, emergency clothes changes, chill out for a while if the dc are getting over wrought/excited/giddy, naps for the little one etc but just be vague about who is actually sleeping there and play it by ear on the day.

As a pp said, she quite possibly won't even notice if one or both of you slink off home with the children as you'll be back at crack of dawn anyway and you can always say one or both of them simply wouldn't settle and you didn't want them to be over tired and cranky on her big day!

Might be nice for you to stay on your own the Friday night, have the bed to yourself and let dh toddler wrangle at home while you get your sister-of-the-bride beauty sleep in

ReanimatedSGB · 02/11/2018 22:11

As PP said, sell it to her that it's for her benefit you are declining the offer and you and your family will be staying at home. If she's generally a lovely sister and not a self-obsessed twat, she will simply not have thought about the fact that little kids need their routines and, if they don't get them, will scream and puke and tantrum all day and all night.

Eeeeek2 · 02/11/2018 22:17

explain that small children out of routine make for very unpleasant wedding guests and for their sake you don't think it's a wise decision

I would offer to stay myself and send dc home with dh, but that's up to you.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/11/2018 22:17

I'd talk to your parents if they're footing the bill. As long as they don't mind if you decide at bedtime that (or whenever) you have to take the children home to their own beds then fine, book the room. But if they feel that if they pay then you have to use the room, I'd tell them and DSis that it just isn't going to work with the DC and that you're going to stay at your house during the night, but will be at the hotel for whatever festivities she thinks she needs you there for.

LuluJakey1 · 02/11/2018 22:18

I can never understand why the couple want to do this. On our wedding day, which we loved, all DH and I wanted to do by half 8 was leave, go to a lovely country house hotel, have a jacuzzi in our posh bathroom, lie on the bed, eat bacon sandwiches and fresh orange juice followed by mugs of tea and watch a horror film. We didn't want company the next day either- went out for a long walk on the moors and we came home to the north-east the day after.
The thought of a load of other people there would have been awful.

Honeyroar · 02/11/2018 22:18

Just tell her the truth! That the children are too young and will be over excited, screaming wrecks if expected to stay in a hotel for three days.

I wouldn't even stay on the night of the wedding. You'd be much better getting a taxi home. Come for lunch/dinner the day before the wedding and breakfast the morning after in the hotel so that you share some of the build up/celebration but have your space at home?

DeaflySilence · 02/11/2018 22:19

"3 nights in a hotel for a wedding , no
No
No no no
No"

Feel (almost) like a lone voice here, but I cannot quite believe how many mumsnetters couldn't spend more than one night (or two at a pinch) in a hotel, with two adults and two small children (not to mention various other family members) and have fun while doing it!

pyramidbutterflyfish · 02/11/2018 22:26

You’re not totally unreasonable, but a bit of a misery guts. Just take two rooms and a kid each, you should sleep fine. We’ve had lots of 2-3 night stays with 2 young kids and extended family and had a ball.

cheesefield · 02/11/2018 22:38

Nope. Why on earth would you stay when you can go home?

Is this one of those "deals" where they've booked the hotel but have to sell out all of the rooms to pay for it, whether or not your parents pay for your room?

I don't see why you need to be there apart from the wedding day.

dontalltalkatonce · 02/11/2018 22:39

Say NO!

PurdysChocolate · 02/11/2018 22:47

I think it's a silly ask in general when everyone lives so close by. And they've not planned anything, they just want everyone wandering the hotel for the 2 non wedding days? Bizarre.

More sensible would be to have a list of informal events/meals/drinks in the run up, and people make what they can.

Why ask everyone to live out of suitcase in a small room? Why spend all that money to be less comfortable? It's so much easier getting ready for a formal event at home where you have all your clothes neatly stored, have your hair styling tools, makeup.

NewBabyNoName · 02/11/2018 22:58

No, just explain the kids will be much better if they've slept in their own beds.

CurbsideProphet · 02/11/2018 23:04

YANBU. I haven't had children yet, but even I think that's a silly idea.

When we get married next year I'm spending the night before in my own bed. No way would I want to be in a hotel with all of my and his family

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 02/11/2018 23:07

Oh op don’t do it! One night in those circumstances is quite enough! Surely your sister will understand especially if you are willing to pitch up as and when over her 3 days.

oh4forkssake · 02/11/2018 23:24

Don’t do it. And I say that as someone who travelled to my sister’s wedding (I don’t live in my home country, she does) with a three and six year old, whom she adores and has spent a lot of time with, stayed in two adjoining rooms with a lot of space and it was still a colossal pain from a child-related perspective.

It was a fabulous wedding. It just wasn’t designed for children, which is fine, but it did make our lives more tricky. If we lived 10 miles away, no way would I have stayed over more than the wedding night - and even then I would have found a babysitter and sent the children home to their own beds.

I do think if you (on your own) can be there the night before that would be good. I don’t think she’ll really mind the night after, no matter what she says or thinks now.

LoniceraJaponica · 02/11/2018 23:28

“Here’s the thing OP, you can do what you like. Anyone can. She may want you all to stay for 3 nights (why?), but it’s not practical. So don’t.”

This ^^
I would put your big knickers on and just say “please don’t try and guilt trip us into doing this because it will result in all of us being tired and grumpy, and it will spoil your wedding.” And then suggest that she invites your children to stay in her bedroom for three nights before the wedding

AutumnB · 03/11/2018 00:02

Am I missing something? If the rooms are that small the hotel recommends no travel cots then where are the kids meant to sleep anyway?

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