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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to say we should stick to our arrangements as they have been for years. Kids at Christmas one.

89 replies

Conundrumidium · 02/11/2018 09:58

Me and my ex are separated and divorced for 12 years. Have n/c because it might be outing, also am aware that it’s trivial and my view is probably fuelled by the fact that I can not stand my ex BIL and his fucking wife who are vile.

We have always done Christmas year about. One day Christmas day with me, Boxing Day with him and then vice versa the other year.

These were originally set up to chime with the arrangements my BIL and SIL had with her family. There was no flexibility given even when my mother was terminally ill and we were doing her last Christmas. I asked for a swap to Christmas Day (she had a morphine pump it was definitely her last) and was refused.

Now he wants to swap to accommodate the fact that BIL and wife are now separated and to they want Christmas Day instead of Boxing Day.

Aibu to say get stuffed. My plans are organised based on kids with me on Christmas Day and you wouldn’t be flexible for me so you can get to fuck now that you want it?

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 02/11/2018 10:00

Fuck him. I'd say no.

Glumglowworm · 02/11/2018 10:01

YANBU

I’m sorry about your mum Flowers

If people refuse to be flexible they can’t then expect others to be flexible for them.

Although if you’ve been divorced for 12 years, the DC are presumably old enough to have an opinion, what do they think?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/11/2018 10:01

Given that he wouldn't swap when your poor Mum had her last Christmas, I think you're perfectly entitled to refuse.

But don't use the 'You wouldn't swap with me' line, just say 'Sorry, that doesn't work for me, I have already made plans.' You don't need to give him a reason.

KeysHairbandNotepad · 02/11/2018 10:02

I know it's tempting to be as inflexible as he has , but what do the kids want? Are they old enough to have a say/care what happens?

I'm not belittling your feelings at all by the way , I've been where you are wrt selfish exps.

Pissedoffdotcom · 02/11/2018 10:03

Yeah tell him to get to fuck. People reap what they sow, he wouldn't change for something as life changing as it being your mum's last xmas, he has a total cheek demanding a change because his family have changed how they do things!

Annasgirl · 02/11/2018 10:03

Agree - do not change. My friend has had similar with exH and she has found it best to stick to the agreed format as he will never ever return the favour when she helps him out.

I would also agree with not stating your actual reason - just be content in the fact that you finally get one over on the BIL!!!

twiglet · 02/11/2018 10:04

His refusal for your mother is absolutely shocking.

I would respond with no this is the agreement that is in place.

sittingonacornflake · 02/11/2018 10:06

I'm so sorry about your mum  the inflexibility must have been really difficult for you.

I would say though, just do / agree to whatever works best for you and your DC regardless of how ex had been in the past about inflexibility. If being flexible works for you all then agree to it but if it doesn't then don't (and definitely don't feel guilty about not agreeing to it).

I know it's hard but try not to make your decision purely based on how you've been treated when you've previously asked for flexibility.

Original poster
Conundrumidium · 02/11/2018 10:12

The kids don’t mind. And really it shouldn’t matter to me. I’m only going to my dad and having the kids here so it doesn’t matter really what day I do it but I’m fucked off with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Conundrumidium · 02/11/2018 10:13

And yes, forgot to say, kids are well up now, there are no very young children.

OP posts:
KeysHairbandNotepad · 02/11/2018 10:21

Just try to rise above it op , that's the best advice I can you.

My exh has always been inflexible and whilst I've had nothing as extreme as you have happen , he did refuse to swap days when I had the last minute chance to take the kids somewhere really fun and hard to book. He made up a big family party as an excuse and the kids missed the day out. The party ended up being a meal at the local wetherspoons with their uncle.

I've always been flexible though , I've asked the kids what they want to do and gone that way. As they've grown up they've comented on how different he and I are , and how they feel like they have to go with their dad but are free to decide what their weekends look like when they're here.

Good luck op , and try to stay as calm as possible.

Original poster
Conundrumidium · 02/11/2018 10:23

I KNOW I’m being unreasonable and I know I’ll probably end up swapping for the sake of being the bigger person but I want him to know he’s not being fair. But he will never see that so it’s pointless.

OP posts:
MIdgebabe · 02/11/2018 10:26

Can be difficult to raise with children if they don’t want to be seen taking sides. It can be hard to involve them without them be8ng in the middle. I would suggest it is not fair on the children to change things around.

BackInRed · 02/11/2018 10:26

Just say no. He wouldn't swap when your Mother was dying so fuck what he wants. This isn't about the kids it's about him being a selfish asshole and there's no point in being the bigger person when dealing with an asshole.

KeysHairbandNotepad · 02/11/2018 10:27

It is pointless unfortunately, he sounds a lot like my exh, he doesn't give a crap about anyone's needs other than his own.

You sound like a good , consistent parent and that is worth so much. Keep showing your kids what a loving parent looks like and vent away to us!

Doyoumind · 02/11/2018 10:27

There's absolutely no reason for you to swap. This year is your year for Christmas Day. Even if he hadn't refused you previously you would be well within your rights to say no. Don't give in. Your DC and you lose out to benefit people who are less important? I don't think so.

Leeds2 · 02/11/2018 10:32

I wouldn't swap, no.

Original poster
Conundrumidium · 02/11/2018 10:35

If I don’t swap the kids won’t see their cousins (they don’t seem to mind, they haven’t said anything). He wants the swap because his mum is upset by the split of BIL and wants her family all thereon Christmas Day, and otherwise BIL will be on his own. I suggested he could go to his mum and so could ex and then none of them would be so alone but ex is going to his GF or something.

The logic makes no sense to me anyway. If BIL does year about then that will be the same as it always has because ex SIL will want to see the kids and her parents?

Or am I missing something?

OP posts:
Likeshyt · 02/11/2018 10:35

Keep it as arranged just like he did. Don’t want to upset ‘routine’ now do we?!

Fucking arsehole ExH

Doyoumind · 02/11/2018 10:38

Your plans are longstanding. Their new plans don't trump yours.

ChalkDoodler · 02/11/2018 10:42

Based purely on your Mum being on a morphine pump and him not being the bigger person, no, don't swap.

Why should you now be the bigger person to accommodate BIL?

I would definitely refuse and remind him of why.

Tinty · 02/11/2018 10:43

Because ex is going to his GF or something.

Wait, am I misunderstanding this? Ex is going to his girlfriends? So are your DC going to their DGM's to keep BIL company without your Ex (their dad)?

Don't swap!

BarbarianMum · 02/11/2018 10:44

Im all for a bit of flexibility but he clearly isn't. Tell him no.

ChalkDoodler · 02/11/2018 10:44

Wish there was an edit button, Flowers sorry about your Mum. I have been there with my own Mum.

I meant he wouldn't swap when your Mum was dying, I wouldn't swap now for BIL.

ILoveHumanity · 02/11/2018 10:46

You are totally entitled to refuse. I’m shocked he didn’t swap days for your terminally ill mother. You are totally within your rights to use this as closure.

Alternatively, that’s what I would do. you can ask kids what they would like. Let them know how you feel about your mother and how you felt upset your wishes weren’t accommodated. Then I can let them know that I totally want for them what makes them happy, because it makes me happy too, and that I’m not doing it for their dad but for them because I want them to not have tension within their family relations, but that I expect them to save their energy to have the best day with me afterwards.

You say they’re not young so they should know how their mum feels. You are part of them and they’re part of you.

I know people will say that’s bad advice, but in all honesty, my mum never shared with us how she felt about my dad and I wish she had, it would’ve made things less complicated for her and so it would’ve made me less worried for her.