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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to say we should stick to our arrangements as they have been for years. Kids at Christmas one.

89 replies

Conundrumidium · 02/11/2018 09:58

Me and my ex are separated and divorced for 12 years. Have n/c because it might be outing, also am aware that it’s trivial and my view is probably fuelled by the fact that I can not stand my ex BIL and his fucking wife who are vile.

We have always done Christmas year about. One day Christmas day with me, Boxing Day with him and then vice versa the other year.

These were originally set up to chime with the arrangements my BIL and SIL had with her family. There was no flexibility given even when my mother was terminally ill and we were doing her last Christmas. I asked for a swap to Christmas Day (she had a morphine pump it was definitely her last) and was refused.

Now he wants to swap to accommodate the fact that BIL and wife are now separated and to they want Christmas Day instead of Boxing Day.

Aibu to say get stuffed. My plans are organised based on kids with me on Christmas Day and you wouldn’t be flexible for me so you can get to fuck now that you want it?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 02/11/2018 11:19

Swapping won't make you the bigger person, it'll make you a mug

Omzlas · 02/11/2018 11:23

You are DEFINITELY not being unreasonable OP

I'm sorry but if he can't swap when your poor mum was terminally ill, he doesn't get to swap because his poor mumsy is upset - that isn't your doing

Fuck them and fuck him

Remember - "No is a complete sentence"

Wanker

Jaxhog · 02/11/2018 11:23

Don't swap, or he will expect to be able to change stuff in future whenever it suits him.

What on earth has BiL got to do with it anyway? They aren't his DCs!

ElectricMonkey · 02/11/2018 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LongWalkShortPlank · 02/11/2018 11:24

I agree, don't swap based on that. Next year he won't remember that you swapped and you'll end up missing two. This is why I had everything ironclad through court. My ex is a chancer too and always assumed I would fit my life around his whims. I didn't and still don't and I wouldn't swap Christmas based on those circumstances, especially when he won't reciprocate or appreciate it.

Skittlesandbeer · 02/11/2018 11:26

I’d stick to precedent- not for revenge, but because he sounds the type to take a mile if you offer an inch. You might regret capitulating, if he starts thinking his preferences trump agreed arrangements.

Keep everything locked down tightly, with these types. Frankly I see your kids having a much better Xmas without ANY contact with this disfunctional bunch.

CryingMessFFS · 02/11/2018 11:30

I’d tell him to go and fuck himself and after how he treat you regarding your mother I would make a point of never ever being flexible again Flowers

CryingMessFFS · 02/11/2018 11:30

Treated* doh

moredoll · 02/11/2018 11:40

He wants the swap because his mum is upset by the split of BIL and wants her family all thereon Christmas Day, and otherwise BIL will be on his own. I suggested he could go to his mum and so could ex and then none of them would be so alone but ex is going to his GF or something.

You've been divorced for 12 years, why are you so concerned about his family arrangements? As long as your children see their father according to the access agreement that's all you need to worry about. "Sorry that doesn't work for me" is all you need to say.

Witchend · 02/11/2018 11:41

"Isn't it strange that if you'd swapped last year as I requested so they could be with Mum for her last Christmas then it would have been your turn and no need to ask for a swap. The answer is no"

Alfie190 · 02/11/2018 11:42

I wouldn’t swap and I would tell him why. In fact I would have a go at him for daring to ask.

SpannerH · 02/11/2018 11:43

Normally I would say let it go, be the bigger person blah blah blah. But you have to think of the bigger picture here. He said NO to your kids spending time with their nanan on her LAST Christmas! If you back down on this how much more will he try and take the mess with whilst being stubborn and strict with his time?! It'd be a no from me.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/11/2018 11:48

I wouldn't swap, no. I wouldn't be able to get past the fact that they didn't allow your dying mum to have her last Christmas with her DGC on Christmas Day.
I wouldn't care if MIL was upset by the split - too fucking bad. She's not dying, is she? (I might be a bit more giving if she was very frail/last Christmas sort of scenario, but I'd make damn certain that I was very clear that I was being the Better Person by swapping under these circs, UNLIKE THEM)

Tough nuts to them - they shouldn't have been such bastards.

GreenTulips · 02/11/2018 11:48

So
BIL MIL and BIL kids will be at MIL
Ex will be with GF

So MIL wants your kids to entertain the cousins???

Is that right?

Juells · 02/11/2018 11:49

I KNOW I’m being unreasonable and I know I’ll probably end up swapping for the sake of being the bigger person but I want him to know he’s not being fair. But he will never see that so it’s pointless.

So why bother accommodating him? There's a very useful thread in FWR at the moment
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3412053-Mumsnet-FWR-Guide-to-De-Programming-Yourself-From-Self-Harming-Kindness

JohnCRaven · 02/11/2018 11:51

He didn't swap when your mum was terminally ill? No reason on earth could be more important and why you should swap for him. I'm a petty twat and I would never ever swap just because of this incident.

Loonoon · 02/11/2018 11:53

I would say no ‘ we talked about this last year when Mum was ill and we agreed we should always stick to the established schedule’.

MissesBloom · 02/11/2018 11:57

"Isn't it strange that if you'd swapped last year as I requested so they could be with Mum for her last Christmas then it would have been your turn and no need to ask for a swap. The answer is no"

This is perfect, a nice quick reminder of what an arsehole he was and how little wiggle room he gave you guys as a family with what you were going through Angry

Be as petty as you like OP, as long as the kids aren't bothered about seeing their cousins.

user1484424013 · 02/11/2018 11:59

Er no. He did not accommodate you for a dying mother but they think because of a fucked up marriage you should. Do not be the bigger person. No way.

MinorRSole · 02/11/2018 12:06

I'm all for being the bigger person but there's an exception to every rule and this is definitely it. Ffs, what a bastard he was about your mum. It would be a big fat 'fuck off you heartless twat' from me.

onalongsabbatical · 02/11/2018 12:22

It's a unanimous AIBU! YADDDDDDDNBU, OP.

AngelsSins · 02/11/2018 12:24

No way, not a bloody chance would I swap after that. People may suggest you rise above it or whatever and just do what he wants, but I think that only teaches him that you’re an absolute doormat who will accept being treated unfairly. I would refuse and make it very clear why, it might mean he tries to be more reasonable in future.

FrogFairy · 02/11/2018 12:29

You reap what you sow. Tell him to get to fuck.

ILoveHumanity · 02/11/2018 12:30

I think this thread might’ve inspired the one about reprogramming fatal kindness . Plz read it OP

BitOutOfPractice · 02/11/2018 12:35

"Isn't it strange that if you'd swapped last year as I requested so they could be with Mum for her last Christmas then it would have been your turn and no need to ask for a swap. The answer is no"

This.