Aibu to say we should stick to our arrangements as they have been for years. Kids at Christmas one.

[Conundrumidium]

Me and my ex are separated and divorced for 12 years. Have n/c because it might be outing, also am aware that it’s trivial and my view is probably fuelled by the fact that I can not stand my ex BIL and his fucking wife who are vile.

We have always done Christmas year about. One day Christmas day with me, Boxing Day with him and then vice versa the other year.

These were originally set up to chime with the arrangements my BIL and SIL had with her family. There was no flexibility given even when my mother was terminally ill and we were doing her last Christmas. I asked for a swap to Christmas Day (she had a morphine pump it was definitely her last) and was refused.

Now he wants to swap to accommodate the fact that BIL and wife are now separated and to they want Christmas Day instead of Boxing Day.

Aibu to say get stuffed. My plans are organised based on kids with me on Christmas Day and you wouldn’t be flexible for me so you can get to fuck now that you want it?

I would be very tempted to say "I am happy to be just as flexible as you were when my mum was dying" - but I realise that this would not be a sensible response. I would certainly be thinking it, and to be honest, I see no reason why you should be more flexible than him, @Conundrumidium.

You'd probably be best to send the message suggested by @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy - 'sorry that doesn't work for me'.

Please don't swap. If you do then it means that there was no consequences for his atrocious behaviour when your mother was dying.

I'm sorry but whilst I'm generally laid back about plans such as these I can't get past the fact that he wouldn't swap for you mum's last Christmas and I wouldn't be accommodating this request JUST because of that. And I'm not a petty person.

If possible, I would use the same wording to him that he used to you about your request.

I'm just gobsmacked. When DH and I were separated we were often swapping things because work, family and health can be so unpredictable and it wasn't about making the other person's more difficult than it needed to be at a stressful or distressing time.

@Conundrumidium

It's not being petty to not swap. If you go outside the firm arrangements, your ex will likely mess you around again in future, for zero reciprocation.

Say no and stick to it.

I’m a DSM, have 2 kids so am on the other side of this.

My OH’s EW is totally inflexible. Won’t swap at all (even if the kids now 10 & 13 say it’s something we want to do). For 3 years (since the latest court ordered contact order was put in place) we have been completely flexible and swapped if she requested. But this was never ever recripricated (even a request of an hour later drop off).

So now (after 6 years of her inflexibliliry) we pick and choose her requests. You can’t deal with these people, they aren’t reasonable.

In this case I would say no. It’s a regular arrangement and he’ll need to work around it.

He wouldn't swap when your mum was dying?

Fuck him and the family that brought him up to be such a cunt.

Sorry about your mum

As PPs have said:

A) He wants the kids at Grandmas but he'll be elsewhere with his GF?!

B) (More importantly) Don't swap. If you swap this time he'll keep asking for more and more adjustments. Thinking about him and administering changes will take up you mental space and emotional energy. Don't be a doormat.

“NO! Not this year , not ever. You blew your chances when my mum was dying .”
That is what I would say.

No way, absolutely not. I’m generally the kind of person to try and be flexible even when others aren’t, but he sounds a monumental arsehole. He made his bed, let him lie in it.

No just no will do.

Use the answer Loonoon suggested:

I would say no ‘ we talked about this last year when Mum was ill and we agreed we should always stick to the established schedule’.

You're pointing out his unreasonable behaviour from last year and reminding him it was his choice. It doesn't sound vengeful or tit-for-tat.

Don’t change. The way he treated you/your mum means he can go screw himsekf. Do not back down.

I wouldn't change. I wouldn't directly relate it to your mum, but would point out that this is the arrangement that he has very strongly in the past believed shouldn't be changed, regardless of changes in family circumstances, therefor you feel the same. It's hard. I have always been the flexible one, changed arrangements to suit him as I saw it as also being best for the child, but this has changed recently. What's fair is flexibility from both parents, not one bending over backwards to accomodate the other.

I would say no ‘ we talked about this last year when Mum was ill and we agreed we should always stick to the established schedule’.

Perfect, but I'd tweak it ever so slightly - as they didn't agree, he just refused and OP had to go along with it.

I would say no ‘ we talked about this last year when Mum was ill and it was agreed we should always stick to the established schedule