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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to say we should stick to our arrangements as they have been for years. Kids at Christmas one.

89 replies

Conundrumidium · 02/11/2018 09:58

Me and my ex are separated and divorced for 12 years. Have n/c because it might be outing, also am aware that it’s trivial and my view is probably fuelled by the fact that I can not stand my ex BIL and his fucking wife who are vile.

We have always done Christmas year about. One day Christmas day with me, Boxing Day with him and then vice versa the other year.

These were originally set up to chime with the arrangements my BIL and SIL had with her family. There was no flexibility given even when my mother was terminally ill and we were doing her last Christmas. I asked for a swap to Christmas Day (she had a morphine pump it was definitely her last) and was refused.

Now he wants to swap to accommodate the fact that BIL and wife are now separated and to they want Christmas Day instead of Boxing Day.

Aibu to say get stuffed. My plans are organised based on kids with me on Christmas Day and you wouldn’t be flexible for me so you can get to fuck now that you want it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Conundrumidium · 02/11/2018 10:46

I don’t know what he’s doing. He said something last night and I’m not sure if I misunderstood - I think, thinking about it, that his plans at present are to go to his GF on Christmas Day but the whole thing makes no sense to me.

I don’t understand why BIL would suddenly be swapping his “rota” for Christmas Day, but apparently he is and he’s to have his kids at Christmas this year.

None of the kids on my side do the S man anymore so it hardly matters and I’m being petty I suppose.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 02/11/2018 10:50

No it’s not petty. HE was petty. Fuck him.
It’ll be hard enough without your mum I’m sure. Flowers

Piffle11 · 02/11/2018 10:50

No I wouldn't swap. By the sound of him, even if you did swap and asked him to reciprocate in the years to come he'd say no. You know where you stand after his shocking refusal to accommodate you because of your DM, so now make sure he knows where he stands too. He wanted this inflexibility when it suited him. I think it's just awful that he wants to swap so his DM can have her family around her this year, but wouldn't swap for your DM to have her family around her for her very last Christmas.

SlowlyShrinking · 02/11/2018 10:51

I wouldn’t swap. You’ve made plans. Being the “bigger person” would actually mean being a doormat in this case.

Mosaic123 · 02/11/2018 10:51

I think you could give in for the sake of peace, but only at the last minute, at least well into December.

You need lots of time to think about it don't you?

totallyliterally · 02/11/2018 10:52

I would simply respond, you wouldn't swap last year.

And see what he says to that first.

StressedToTheMaxx · 02/11/2018 10:52

I would 100% not change.
What an absolute arse not letting you swap when you mum was dying.
Even if you do decided to swap I would remind him of the year he never left your dying mum share with the kids.
You are such a nicer person than him.

ILoveHumanity · 02/11/2018 10:55

Op.. what would your late mother advise you? Do for her what she would’ve wanted you to.

WeirdCatLady · 02/11/2018 10:58

Nope, no way. This is karma on him for being such a cunt in the past.

Witchesbritches · 02/11/2018 10:59

Don’t swap.

Say ‘Seriously? I might amazed that even YOU have the gall to ask after refusing to swap when Mum was dying. No, I’m not swapping’.

He’s a monumental twat, don’t feed it.

NoOffence · 02/11/2018 11:00

Not petty, stick to the original plan - fuck him! ( not literally of corse!!)

StormTreader · 02/11/2018 11:00

"You all made it perfectly clear last year that mothers wanting the days to change wasn't enough reason to do it, so no."

Returnofthesmileybar · 02/11/2018 11:01

Not a hope in hell would I swap, call me petty all you like its not petty but no way would I change. I'd simply say "No, when I needed flexibility for a genuine reason you told me no. You wanted an inflexible relationship and that is what you have got, plans stay the same"

CantWaitToRetire · 02/11/2018 11:01

So he wouldn't change to accommodate your terminally ill mum (sorry that you had to go through that) but he wants you to change because his mum 'is upset'? That's a big fat NO then! Why should you change your plans? Let BIL and his ex change their plans to accommodate. Your rota has been in place far longer.

MiggledyHiggins · 02/11/2018 11:01

Nope. Let karma do it's work.

Witchesbritches · 02/11/2018 11:04

My iPad is also a monumental twat. It’s auto correct has as much common sense and logic as your ex. It may also become an ex if it doesn’t be fucking stop being a twat,

Unicornandbows · 02/11/2018 11:05

Just no don't you dare swap!!

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 02/11/2018 11:05

Seeing as your kids aren't too fussed either way I'd want to tell him to get to fuck but will he start dicking about with contact and/or CMS as a result? Do what's best for you in the long run, don't win the battle at the expense of losing the war.

myfatarse · 02/11/2018 11:06

i would probably wait till he brings it up again and go down the lines of " DH, can you remember when it was the kids grandmothers last chrsitmas (and make sure you emphasise the kids grandmother rather than your mother) and you took that memory of sharing it with her away from them?........ then DH, what do you think i might say to your request now?

And then depends on how you feel about it, you can either say that your not that petty to hold it against him and you'll ask the kids what they want to do or say "no way jose, you burnt syour bridges with that one"

Miscible · 02/11/2018 11:11

Point out that as he made it clear last year that the arrangements were set in stone, you are now abiding by that.

worridmum · 02/11/2018 11:11

if he had swapped days for you grandmother you totally should but since he did not i would not.

(and he person saying even if he had swapped days last year you would be well within your rights to refuse. on a technicality maybe but morally no they would not espically if he was smart and got it in writing that yes i agree to change for this year for next Christmas due to reason X,Y,Z on the understanding i get them next year instead. A court would take a very dim view of the RP agreeing to swap one year in exchange for next year just to re nay on the deal.)

flirtygirl · 02/11/2018 11:12

I absolutely would not swap. Don't do it.

When you mum was dying he would not swap. That is your answer right there.

onalongsabbatical · 02/11/2018 11:13

Your kids must be nearly grown up. You have absolutely no need to be reasonable to this man who was so unkind over your mum. There's no come back, is there, he can't do anything because of the age of the kids? Why oh why would you be accommodating to him now?

thighofrelief · 02/11/2018 11:15

Oh you mean lady! It's your duty to remind the poor wee lamb that rules are rules and must be stuck to rigidly. Then pray every father's day and his birthday falls on your weekends. You're a saint that he's still breathing and sorry about your mum.

YouBetterWOooOooOoo · 02/11/2018 11:18

You aren't being petty. Don't back down and 'be the bigger person', fuck that. BIL/SIL splitting is nothing to do with you, you owe them jack shit. His family are going to have to have a year without your kids there on Christmas day, might as well be this year.

Don't mention your mum (although what a grade A arsehole he was for that), as is a good MN quote, no is a complete sentence.

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