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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what to do about my mother and doctor.

84 replies

LEMtheoriginal · 02/11/2018 08:41

This is a long and confused saga. I want to keep it concise so may drip feed.

My mum has a life-long serious medical condition. Addisons as a result of adrenalectomy to treat cushings (1958). She is 83 and to say she is difficult is an understatement.

She has been through many drs in recent years and has no trust in any of them. Its her not them!

She refuses to go to the dr when she is sick

As a result i find myself trying to manage her many ailments with otc medication that is a huge worry due to interactions with her medicines. She also on tramadol for steroid induced osteoporosis. I am in no way qualified to do this. But cant leave her with nothing iyswim.

So today i have at her request made appointment with her Gp who she dislikes. I thought good she finally realises she needs help. Several issues. Depression and not sleeping being one of many. Bad stomach. Dizziness. Sinus issues etc etc. Some need investgating. She has been referred for ultrasound but wont attend.

So it turns out she is spoiling for a fight AGAIN. Says she will demand antibiotics bit wants the ones her old dr gave her probably 10 years ago that any of the ones she has been given since have made her ill (they haven't) and that this is why she is like she is now (its not). She only kniws they were red and yellow tablets Hmm

So it will end up as her having set to with dr and leaving with mp treatment/plan as clearly the dr isnt going to give her what she wants.

My issue is - what do i do going forward. Ive discussed with my dr (who used to be hers and now my mum hates her ( and she says all the while she has "capacity " they cant intervine even though her decisions are clearly bad for her health. That i need yo protect my own (fragile) mental health

This isnt dementia. Its been going on for years although worsened with her advancing age.

How can i explain this to her dr when my mum is there. They wont discuss with me without consent obv.

At a loss

OP posts:
titchy · 02/11/2018 08:45

Phone dr beforehand and put him/her in the picture. You're not asking for her treatment to be discussed, but warning the dr so they can respond to her in the most productive way.

WhyNowMrMagpie · 02/11/2018 08:46

You don't need to explain anything to the dr. yoir responsibility is to take her to the dr (at best, you don't even have to do that), it's her responsibility to manage her own health whilst she has the capacity to do so.

You DO need to protect yourself though. You can't change her unfortunately

thetemptationofchocolate · 02/11/2018 08:47

Would your doctor discuss with your Mum's doctor on your behalf?
Or, how about writing it all out in a letter to your Mum's doctor?
It's a horrible problem to have to deal with, all by yourself :(

JiltedJohnsJulie · 02/11/2018 08:47

That does sound very difficult. I’m wondering if you’ve considered getting Medical Power of Attorney? If you get that the Doctors will talk to you, I’m not an expert though and other posters will probably have better ideas. We just found the POA very useful when my late DF was taken ill.

I agree with protecting your own MH too. Can I ask how much time you spend with your DM?

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 02/11/2018 09:03

Jilted - as little as i possibly can. I work full time and have serious anxiety/bpd issues. My mother can get quite unpleasant so i keep contact minimal. I feel bad about this but she makes me ill. I get her shopping on request - we tried getting weekly shop but didnt work as wrong stuff etc.

She is obsessed with damage to her hpuse and things stolen by her sister. Her sister lives in Australia and hasnt been in the country for 10 years Hmm We are talking of accusations of putting toxic substances in appliances to stealing clothes pegs. Police involved. Ive discussed with drs several times but they dont seem to take it seriously. Its pretty unbelievable and would be a comedy if not so fucking tragic.

There is no reasoning with her.

I have placed a pound bet with my DP that she will call an ambulance over the weekend so she gets taken to hospital and can get her dr into trouble - this has happened before when she hasnt got her own way. Because of her addisons she is always taken in then promptly sent home when she demands antibiotics but not the ones that have made her ill Hmm The last time this happened i begged the paramedic not to take her but they basically took her and left her in the walk in bit for triage and she decided she was going to walk home (20 miles) when dhe was told she needed to wait. So this resulted in us having to follow in the car begging her to get in.

I actually feel sick

OP posts:
Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 02/11/2018 09:04

It is no coincidence that i am off work this week

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 02/11/2018 09:05

The OP can only get PoA if her mother agrees. And while she has capacity it wouldn't kick in anyway.

I know it's hard, but if she is still capable, maybe you just have to let her get on with it?

RayRayBidet · 02/11/2018 09:11

Does she have capacity though? She sounds like she has MH issues. Can you ask for a psychiatric assessment?

jellyandsoup · 02/11/2018 09:18

Are you sure there is not some dementia? What you have written about her house and her sister sounds a lot like it to me.

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 02/11/2018 09:22

She clearly has MH issues however capacity appears to be assesed on cogntion so all the while she knows the date, can count back to zero from 10 and knowswho the prime minister is she is considered capable. Its ridiculous.

What will happen is this -one day i will have to break into my morhers house and will find her dead.

I will get the blame because i didn't get her medical treatment.

This happened (nearly!!) Once before as she was admitted to hisp with suspected sepsis/addisons crisis and i begged for psych assessment. She was so vile to the nurses that when she discharged herself i suspect they were glad. I was made to feel like i was trying to palm her off. If only...

OP posts:
WhyNowMrMagpie · 02/11/2018 09:23

The way you write it sounds like you think she's manipulating you. She may well be. You mention you have bpd. I'm gonna guess she wasn't that supportive growing up?

You don't have to maintain contact if she's making you ill Flowers

WhyNowMrMagpie · 02/11/2018 09:24

Why would you get the blame though? It's not your fault. Who do you think would blame you?

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 02/11/2018 09:26

Jelly - it does doesnt it. But not unless she has had it for 50 years!! She has always been like it. Psychosis more likey but no natter how many times i relay this to hpc's they ignore it.

The rest of her family have washed their hands. Its just me. Im shit and dont do enough but i cant cope with being screamed at about everything and the sheer irrationality of it.

I have mh issues myself which mean im less able to cope. My DP is supportice but even he is at a lisd.

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 02/11/2018 09:29

I admit I’m not completely au fair with power of attorney. There’s some information on the Court of Protection here OP.

From what you’ve said, I’m not sure she does have capacity to make the right decicsion at the moment. I totally agree with requesting a psychiatric assessment.

If she pulls a trick like trying to walk 20 miles home again, I wouldn’t beg her to get into the car, I’d be ruining 999 and asking for her to be sectioned. I know I’ll probably get flamed for that though.

RedHelenB · 02/11/2018 09:31

I would leave her to it. If she's capable of riding 999 in an emergency then you won't find her dead. It's amazing how people can cope when they have to!

JiltedJohnsJulie · 02/11/2018 09:32

*au fait. Bloody autocorrect.

I agree with the other posters. You don’t have to see her or talk to her, especially if it’s making you ill.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/11/2018 09:32

This sounds really tricky to manage. You are not responsible for her health and behaviour.

If you haven’t already booked the GP appointment, can you ask for a double slot? She has way more going on than you can reasonably deal with in a ten minute slot.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 02/11/2018 09:36

Forgot to say. My “D”M is nowhere near as bad as yours but definitely has sone MH issues. When the nastiness starts I simply pick up my coat say goodbye and leave. I think some part of her has realised that being totally horrible doesn’t get her any attention and she manages to be nice, most of the time anyway. When she is nice I make sure she gets plenty of attention. Just like god do with a naughty toddler Smile

Mookatron · 02/11/2018 09:38

If she tends to be manipulative medical power of attorney might be a mistake anyway. As it stands she and medical professionals are responsible for her care- imagine if she were being taken to A&E because you had 'done something wrong '.

The poster who said all you have to do is take her is right. You don't even have to take her but I know it's not as simple as that.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 02/11/2018 09:39

Since she has capacity, the dr cannot discuss her with you, but you can write to the dr in advance explaining the situation. This is what many people whose relatives have dementia have to do, since it's impossible to say what's really going on with the person (who will v likely insist that everything's fine) is there in the room.

pumpkinpie01 · 02/11/2018 09:41

Does she have any carers going in ? Or a social worker ? It really sounds like you need some outside help here, this is too much for you to cope with.

UpstartCrow · 02/11/2018 09:43

LEMtheoriginal Flowers

Listen. You are only responsible for yourself. You can only do your best.
You wont' be held responsible if she is found dead.
You are not responsible for the outcome of her actions. Everyone knows she is difficult, but they have you to manage.

Tell them you can't manage any more, she is too difficult, and you need help. Ask for a referral to adult Social Services.

BlueBug45 · 02/11/2018 09:43

OP you will not get the blame if she is found dead.

As long as all the HCPs she bothered to harass write proper notes including stating when she refuses treatment/hasn't complied with treatment and if there is an inquest you mention her consistent habit of doing this then no blame will be placed on you.

Now please take care of your own health. The rest of your family have washed their hands off her because they are avoiding her making them sick.

bridgetjonesmassivepants · 02/11/2018 09:44

In the nicest possible way, why are you bothering? Can you detach yourself from this situation a bit. She is 83 - it is highly likely that she is going to be in ill health at that age but this not necessarily something that needs to be solved. Why do her problems need investigating? Do you want her to have hospital procedures if they find anything? It sounds like she is unhappy, does she want to live forever? Why do you want her to live longer?

You say one day you will break into her house and find her dead - why does this worry you, she sounds vile.

Look after yourself and leave her to it. Drop off her shopping to relieve your guilt, have a brief chat and leave. You are her daughter but that doesn't mean you are responsible for her.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 02/11/2018 09:45

Jelly - it does doesnt it. But not unless she has had it for 50 years!! She has always been like it. Psychosis more likey but no natter how many times i relay this to hpc's they ignore it

Had a relative like this and yes it was dementia. It was early onset and likely mixed with other MH conditions (PTSD from being on the Western Front in WW1) but it was dementia. Dementia can also be worsened by physical illnesses, for example, COPD. There are tests. I strongly suggest you follow-through and get her tested and a treatment plan in place otherwise she will drive you nuts.