To ask what to do about my mother and doctor.

[LEMtheoriginal]

This is a long and confused saga. I want to keep it concise so may drip feed.

My mum has a life-long serious medical condition. Addisons as a result of adrenalectomy to treat cushings (1958). She is 83 and to say she is difficult is an understatement.

She has been through many drs in recent years and has no trust in any of them. Its her not them!

She refuses to go to the dr when she is sick

As a result i find myself trying to manage her many ailments with otc medication that is a huge worry due to interactions with her medicines. She also on tramadol for steroid induced osteoporosis. I am in no way qualified to do this. But cant leave her with nothing iyswim.

So today i have at her request made appointment with her Gp who she dislikes. I thought good she finally realises she needs help. Several issues. Depression and not sleeping being one of many. Bad stomach. Dizziness. Sinus issues etc etc. Some need investgating. She has been referred for ultrasound but wont attend.

So it turns out she is spoiling for a fight AGAIN. Says she will demand antibiotics bit wants the ones her old dr gave her probably 10 years ago that any of the ones she has been given since have made her ill (they haven't) and that this is why she is like she is now (its not). She only kniws they were red and yellow tablets

So it will end up as her having set to with dr and leaving with mp treatment/plan as clearly the dr isnt going to give her what she wants.

My issue is - what do i do going forward. Ive discussed with my dr (who used to be hers and now my mum hates her ( and she says all the while she has "capacity " they cant intervine even though her decisions are clearly bad for her health. That i need yo protect my own (fragile) mental health

This isnt dementia. Its been going on for years although worsened with her advancing age.

How can i explain this to her dr when my mum is there. They wont discuss with me without consent obv.

At a loss

OP, I'm wondering if part of the reason that your mother is palmed off by doctors/hospitals is because they can see that you're there holding things together. She might not be recognised as needing more help until something happens without you there.
In my opinion, the best thing you could do for both of you is take a step back and live your life. I know that that is harder than it sounds, but I do have some experience of this and I can tell you, you won't get any thanks either from her or from anyone one else after she's gone.
You sound like a lovely person in a horrible situation

Thank goodness for cats!

Your mother has very complex conditions as you say. Addisons is very rare, and sounds as if she also has mental health issues.

She has done really well to have lived this long with the conditions that she has. If she died tomorrow she would have been extremely lucky to have lasted so long! It certainly wouldn't be something that you should 'take the blame' for.

I don't know how you can do it, but you need to stop feeling fully responsible for her.

I was in a similar position and worried afterwards that doctors may not have had all pertinent information available because they only saw what the patient admitted.

I would write a letter to the doctor so they have a fuller picture of what is going on - esp round mental health, not making sensible decisions around her health, difficulty with managing changing and progressively worsening symptoms... They will put it on file, and when they see her, it will help them make decisions or approach her in the best way.

She won't be satisfied with any doctor because there is no medicine that will restore her to full health.

You cannot magically change any of that either.

What a grim situation you have op

You've had some good advice re capacity.

I think that the next step should be attempting to have neuropsychology tests for cognitive loss/dementia... Also the rather paranoid beliefs re stolen clothes pegs and the aussie dwelling sister as culprit could be psychosis /sz... Althougg I've no idea how Addisons adds to the picture.

You need an assessment involving psychology, endocrinology and medics. Difficult I know, if she refuses to engage.

Any more of the 'I'm walking 20 miles home', just immediately call 999 and ask for assessment under MHA as a view to an emergency section as she is vulnerable (at this point) and is not making decisions that keep her safe... Any hcp would be asking he re consequences of attempting to walk 20 miles at whatever age, and the consequences of this... If she does understand many hcp my decide there is not much you can do... Other than persuade her.. But if she's in a break down state they will take her to a place of safety at least in the short term

woollyheart

That's quite a heartless thing to say. Missy people can say they're lucky to have lived as long as they have, with the conditions they have it the things they have been through.

There was a thread a couple of days ago about people who have been through trauma and could have died. Are you saying those people should be ignored and walked away from if they get mental heath problems and start acting up.

Walking away from your parent especially when they have a chronic illness is difficult

Your mantra must be.....

I didn’t cause it
I can’t cure it
It’s not my fault

I really do sympathise with your difficult situation OP -the feeling you're responsible just because you're family. Lots and lots of helpful advice here, which I will use too.

Please try and be gentle with yourself and put some distance.

As others have said making bad decisions doesn't mean that the person lacks capacity. As you feel she is changing and decisions may not being made soundly then put this in writing to her GP.

Although you can't 'pass off to social services' you can clearly tell them that you have concerns about your Mum and that you are not in a position to care for her but she needs support. I assume you don't receive any carers allowance for her that would be affected.

Tell your Mum that you are happy to help and happy to be part of the assessment however your help needs to be re quality of life now.... ie you will spend time with her, take her places and have a daughter / mother relationship not cater. You are effectively resigning from that position & don't blur the lines. You will help by being at the assessment for care if she wants your help.

If you don't 'walk away' you will always be picking up the pieces. Social Services etc will not step in.

Your mantra needs to ' this is an unsafe situation.... I am not able to care, give medicines etc'.

Everything you have described can be sorted but whilst you are facilitating her behaviour it won't.

This will get worse before it gets better but I've seen time and time again radical improvements when a proper regime of medications and care is in place. It's not easy to say from your posts what that needs to be but honestly just District Nurse support on a daily basis might make all the difference if current medications are erratic.

No, I'm not saying that ill people should be allowed to die and not taken care of.

I was saying that OP's mental health is suffering if she feels she is to blame for her mother's illness's and failures to take appropriate action.

She needs to be allowed to view helping her mother in a positive way. The help she has given has certainly helped her mother survive with these chronic conditions. But that doesn't mean that she is to blame if she can't keep her mother alive forever.

OP you need to figure out WHO you think is going to blame you if she gets in real trouble. You’ve been asked several times now but won’t engage with the question, but it’s important because it’s actually the crux of this problem.

You say “The rest of her family have washed their hands. Its just me”

So who would blame you? This is what the CBT crowd calls a “thinking error”.

I urge you to untangle this in your head, because right now you think you are stuck in an impossible situation, but actually there is a very easy way out of it.