Were you affected by having no father / 'broken home'

[RedFallLeaf]

I've recently ended my marriage. It took me too long to realise the 'gaslighting' and DV weren't worth the slim good moments. Took multiple attempts to end the relationship/bad incidents, but it's over, very much so, and I'm trying to navigate what's next.
The eldest is of an age to understand why dad's not around. The youngest is nursery school age.

I have no frame of reference, as my childhood was fairly routine 2 parent upbringing. But
I know a good childhood with 1 parent will be better than having 2 parents and a toxic environment. But I'm still left wondering what the impact might be?

So I'm wondering, if you grew up without a father/father figure, what's your thoughts and feelings on this as an adult looking back at your childhood?

Not going to lie, it did affect me.
I felt rejected by my dad and still have leftover issues of rejection.
My parents didn’t half drag things out and take the divorce out on us though.

I think I might feel differently if I had a stable upbringing with my mum.

I never had a father, nor any father figure. I think what it did for me was foster a kind of independent, I'll do what I like, kind of attitude. Because there was no man in the house, my mother and I kept our domestic timetable/schedule. So if we didn't fancy a big dinner we would have toast or cornflakes. If we didn't feel like being talkative we sat and read. We did what we liked when we liked. Mind you, re-reading this makes it read as 'selfish and self-centred' rather than independent. I never had to answer to any kind of father figure, male role model, and so I've always been a bit bolshi when I encounter authority figures. But do I regret not having one? Not a bit. I knew no different.

I had an incredibly happy childhood with my mum and sisters. We didn't have much money but neither did the one and two parent families that lived near us, so never felt we were missing out. Attention and love is what counts whether from one or two parents X

I was badly affected by having a passive depressive depressed father living under my roof growing up.

He was also sexist and favoured my brother.

My childhood with married parenta left me the most mediocre people pleasing mess.

I grew up with 2 parents, I did not have a great childhood as there were many issues.

Most of my friends as a child were from single parent households. My best friends nowadays were also raised by a single parent. They are all doing really well, much better than me in fact. None of them have any mental health problems. All of them have families and good incomes, 4 of them have extraordinary careers. None of them complain about their childhood, whereas I do.

Honestly no.

My father was in the picture so to speak but barely, we all idolise our mum though and once we were old enough to tell her we didn't want to weekend visit him we did.

A broken home can be better than a hostile one.

My dad left but was still a big part of my life (with my Mum’s blessing). By the time I was 5, I had 2 sets of parents and I still love my stepparents as much as I do my Mum and Dad.
I always feel that this was a better to live than having two unhappy parents who stayed together for the sake of me.x

I was affected by my father's death. Ne died 24 years ago, when I was 6.
This is because I remember my dad, having a great relationship with him and watching my mum going through grief etc.
My younger sister, from wwhat I observe, barely remembers my father and has said she finds it easier 'though it's difficult to compare.
You have done what is best for your children. You've said it yourself: a stable home with one happy parent is much better than having a toxic father in your life.
Having said that: it would benefit your kids to have a positive, male influence in their life. Uncles, grandpas, friends all count.

Of course but that can be minimised by how your parents handle it. You can only control yourself but you both should refrain from negative words about the other party in front of your kids. You should maintain as much contact as you both can with your kids. No matter what is going on financially don't bring the kids into it. Maintain the upper ground. Reassure them you both still love them but prove it to them too by still doing things you have always done. If you can maintain a cordial relationship that is better than an acrimonious one.

My brothers and I all had pretty shitty childhoods and most of it was to do with coming from a broken home. But it didn't have to be like that is both or at least one parent hadn't done any or all of the above.

Thank you, your input has immediately helped lift a cloud of confusion-worry-sadness I've sat under the last week!

I think I'm still grieving for that imaginary life of a blissful 2-parent family. While accepting that's just not how DCs story is.
However, I'm still striving for that, happily ever after xx

The years of my parents fighting, the affairs, lies and unhappiness was far far worse than them splitting. It was still very difficult and I had to grow up faster than most of my peers. I had anxiety and was very quiet, low confidence and developed an eating disorder.

However my parents were fantastic and worked really hard to still be my parents. I have a great relationship with both of them.

It was far better them splitting up. Staying together would have destroyed us all.

My father was abusive and there was DV. My mum did not divorce him until I was 17 and we had the most horrendous time all in the run up to my GCSEs.

I can't help but resent my mum a little bit for not removing me from the situation earlier. I was in a teenage relationship where I was then a victim of DV. I have become a people pleaser and a fixer, have anxiety and PTSD.

You are doing the right thing for your DC, you really are!

Yes, but it would have been so much worse if he hadn't been kept as far away from us as possible. I certainly don't blame my mum for my issues

I worried that I had half of my genes from my dad and so maybe I would turn ‘bad’ like he had.

My dad wasn't available as he became an alcoholic but we are now very close.

I think a happy settled childhood with 1 parent is always going to be better than an unsettled toxic one with 2. What is happening re access/maintenance etc?because that will now be your source of any tension.

My parents stayed together for bloody ages "for the kids". We high fived each other when they announced the split. It was hard to keep our faces straight as we understood it was supposed to be a sad announcement but we were really pleased. They were bloody miserable together.

My parents separated when I was 18, divorced when I was 21. I wish they had done it when I was 7 when I first realised something wasn't right. My teenage years were very miserable. I left home as soon as I could.

You are right your children are better off not being in a toxic environment. Provide them with stability, always let them know they are loved, be neutral about their father, they can make their own minds up. Whatever environment you grow up in impacts on your life. I think if you provide your children with the skills and inner resourses to be strong independent adults , they do just fine

I grew up with an alcoholic, abusive father and it utterly destroyed me and left me also with no respect for my mother who stood by and let me bear the brunt of his abuse. In all my adult relationships I have either been controlled or been massively controlling. There is no middle ground with me, to the point where I now intend staying single.

You have 1000% done the right thing. Never ever doubt yourself.

You sound like a great mother. I'm sorry you and your children have had this inflicted on you by your ex. For what it's worth, many people, including myself, were seriously affected by our parents even though they stayed together.

@CodeOrange
Thanks. It took me too long to realise what was for the best. Sadly I perhaps understand why your mum took too long (i hope you can forgive her, it was probably terribly terribly difficult for her.) Dont worry tho, now we're here this thread isnt me looking at excusing anything with a goal of regaining a 2-parent family. I know now it was never worth it. Xx

I spent 30 years effected by my parents divorce and wishing they had stayed together as my life would of been wonderful if they had ( in my head)..,I've since had counselling and realised ,it wouldn't of made the slightest bit of difference ...they are who they are ,I have survived despite them, and their weird ideas of parenting..they were always going to screw my life up ,either together ,or apart...that felt good to acknowledge actually x

My parents divorced when I was 5. I went to my dads EOW and spent longer periods there during the school holiday. He also took me on holiday twice a year. Not having my dad in the home didn’t affect me negatively at all but that’s because he continued to be consistent figure in my life. I grew up to be very close to him and I’m in my 30s now and still have a wonderful relationship with him.

My sister stayed with a man “for the sake of the children” and the damage it caused to those children is irreparable. She left eventually when the children 6 and 3, but by then they’d been witness to some awful things and that has affected them as people. She always says she wishes she’d had the strength to leave him when the children were younger.

Leaving is always, always the better option.

I was honestly not affected in the slightest. Father left when I was about 3, my DM was careful not to bad mouth him and tried to maintain a relatiomship with his side but as I entered teens they were less bothered and that slowly drifted into nothing.

My maternal family are very close, and step dad entered my life at approx 8/9 so I have a father figure in my life, but when my bio dad died I honestly felt no emotions, either sad or whatever

I have been married for 13 years (mostly happy!) And not for one minute do i think I was disadvantaged in any way, but my amazing, strong DM is the reason for this. I am very independent though, which may be a result of my upbringing, but luckily for him, my husband wouldn't have it any other way