Were you affected by having no father / 'broken home'

[RedFallLeaf]

I've recently ended my marriage. It took me too long to realise the 'gaslighting' and DV weren't worth the slim good moments. Took multiple attempts to end the relationship/bad incidents, but it's over, very much so, and I'm trying to navigate what's next.
The eldest is of an age to understand why dad's not around. The youngest is nursery school age.

I have no frame of reference, as my childhood was fairly routine 2 parent upbringing. But
I know a good childhood with 1 parent will be better than having 2 parents and a toxic environment. But I'm still left wondering what the impact might be?

So I'm wondering, if you grew up without a father/father figure, what's your thoughts and feelings on this as an adult looking back at your childhood?

Yes, it did affect me. I’ve done lots of reading into the psychological and emotional consequences of this.

Apparently, the only circumstance in which it’s definitely better for the kids for the parents to split is domestic abuse. Because it shows the kids that abuse isn’t acceptable (so they don’t become abused or abusers later themselves).

Other situations, it’s just down to individual circumstances whether it’s better or worse to split or not, it can go either way. But abuse, it’s overwhelmingly better to go.

Also worth pointing out that just because it might be better for the kids to leave, doesn’t mean they won’t benefit from counselling, emotional support t some point to come to terms with it. There are things that can be done to actively achieve a better outcome.

A 2 parent family does not automatically mean a blissful upbringing. My parents were married and together until death and I had a miserable childhood.

Mine spilt when I was 8. I remember that period with happiness as the fighting and arguing was very stressful as a young child. My mum did an amazing job on her own for 3 years until she met my awesome stepdad. I barely have a relationship with my dad now, he had numerous affairs with my mum’s friends and was never really that interested in us kids. But I feel like I grew up in a stable home.
My DH by contrast had two unhappy parents, one v abusive who stayed together (now for over 40 years) and has mental health issues, as do his two brothers. There is addiction, depression and anxiety all over the show, and I fully blame those two people who should have split a long time ago.

mom was a srong woman and divorced the dickhead when i was 3 in1960.
the church treated her like crap.she told them to fuckoff.she worked herself ragged in factories and taking in ironing and sewing.
we had a great life for all that.she bought me a book every week.she made sure i went to scout camp in the summer.she dated a few mostly old friends.and we spent time at a tiny lake cabin owned by the whole family.
had an old fashioned babysitter, who watched over me and 3 other kids of solo moms.
saw the dickhead about 3xs a year usually drunk.he was cheating on her when i was born.and cheating on the next two wives.both horrible selfcentered nasty creatures.

when i was eleven she remarried a wondeful man. my dad.
a week before he proposed, he ask me if it was okay by me.just a formality true, but a gracious and caring man.
he came into our ratty old house with a box of chocolates ,2 dozen roses, a big box with a fur stole,a tiny ring box and a small bouquet .for me.
the dickhead meanwhile was still doing his serial cheating.8 years ago he died.played the part for the aunts and uncles(who were in my life).
so yes i was effected but not in a bad way.taught me to be very careful in who i picked to spend my life with.and if stepdad had not come into the picture that would have been ok, too

My Mum left when I was 11 after multiple affairs (one with my best friends dad.....), watched it tear my dad apart who backed away from me and my brother also because of the hurt 'you will eventually go to your mum anyway...' My brother did (he was 5 years older), she didn't want me -

I brought myself up - new woman moved in (a lot younger than my dad), didn't want kids and I was kicked out at 13....

Not going to go into how badly my childhood (narcissistic Parents!) affected me - and consistent problems with them throughout my life until I had help to just let it all go - haven't now seen my Dad for 18 years, my Mum for 5 and will not have (or try to have) any sort of relationship with them ever again - they're just toxic selfish shits!

I adore my children - so negatives to positives - toxic environments destroy lives - Love, stability, laughter, peace, consistency - just be the best mum you can be x

Yes.
But...due to having...

1. An abusive stepfather 3 years after the divorce
2. A Disney Dad who had had a secret child whilst married and who moved in my teens so went from twice weekly to monthly contact with no discussion
3. A bitter Mum who disclosed far too much info at an early age and who was constantly slagging off my father and then defending stepfather's abuse

My father left for another country when I was four and I have no memories of him living at home. I really don't think it was a problem. I remember wanting to have a father because my friends told me how if their mother didn't give them what they wanted they would go to their father or vice versa. But other than that, I had a good childhood.

Two major things really:

1. Motivated me, made me fiercely independent and extremely ambitious. I have a great career and am very well off, having come from a reasonably poor background.

2. Has given me extreme self confidence issues and very large trust issues with men in particular. I have an anxiety disorder and I will never ever think I'm good enough.

BUT I had a very neglectful, part-time father who made it clear that I was less important than his money and, when the time came, his new wife.

Had my parents stayed together, I'd have been infinitely worse off. Probably an addict of some kind.

We used to pray that drunken violent father would leave. Or die. Just be gone. Being poor instead of being permanently scared and on edge would have been preferable. Clarissa Dickson Wright was asked by interviewer if she had any regrets about her colourful but damaging life. She replied that her biggest regret was that she hadnt killed her father when she had the opportunity. I wouldn't have killed my father but understood her sentiment.

My dad had an affair on my fifth birthday and left my mum the day after. My mum had a mental breakdown, everything in our lives fell apart, she suffered severely for years and ended up with bipolar, he was on drugs, there was a messy court process and my dad didn't give a shit about us as soon as he met his new wife and kids. They fought constantly. It screwed my mum up totally. It gave me abandonment issues, trust issues and made me quite insecure, although the older I have got the easier those all have become.
My first DD now 11 doesn't know her dad. He was abusive and left at 6months pregnant. She has asked about him, but doesn't affect her so far, she has a loving family and nothing lacking in her life, doesn't need him.

My mum kicked my ‘dad’ out when I was nine - it was the best thing she ever did. Within a couple of years, she’d turned her life around, including paying off his debts and being able to buy her house that she’d rented for years. She is an amazing, strong woman who is the ultimate role model, so yes, not having a father figure affected us, positively.

I think it is better to give your kids honesty ie he was weak, he was selfish, he was very lazy or he was immature. My friend did the opposite, built him up to be some great guy (and judged me a bit for jyst delivering the truth without a sugar coating). Now my kids accept their dad flaws and all and her dc feel rejected by a man they believe was wonderful. She made a mistake, trying to do the right thing. Imo.

"Apparently, the only circumstance in which it’s definitely better for the kids for the parents to split is domestic abuse. Because it shows the kids that abuse isn’t acceptable (so they don’t become abused or abusers later themselves)."

It's not just that it shows kids that abuse is unacceptable; it's that abuse is terrifying and incredibly damaging for children to live with, and is a situation they have no control over!

What affected me most was the fact that I grew up until I was 12 with two people who detested each other and had no wish to be together and I loved them both, equally. No violence, plenty of money, (narc mother). It would have been much better if they had separated well before I was 12. Better still if between them they hadn't introduced serial marriage before it was an accepted norm.

Just love the dc op and make them a happy home. It isn't a shameful thing any more and no father is better than an unhappy home with one.

What I found worse than the break up to be honest were the various bloody steps.

My parents divorced when I was about 5-6, and immediately moved to opposite ends of the country. We had every school holiday with Dad, and alternated Christmas, and maybe one or two long weekends scattered around the year, I lived with my Mum.

I quite liked this, as it meant holidays were "true" holidays - I went to a different place than where I lived, and got to hang out with a parent who didn't see me every day, and was therefore absent the nagging over homework, chores, etc etc.

As an adult, I have a great relationship with both parents and accept that they're both only human. I value both their parenting styles in equal measure, and have my frustrations with both. However I wouldn't say that the divorce caused me any damage whatsoever, and I much prefer that they did get divorced instead of "staying together for the kids" in a loveless marriage.

Charley sadly, children don’t necessarily stop experiencing or witnessing domestic abuse because their parents split up. That’s a sad fact about our justice and social systems.

However, if the parents split up they do see that there are consequences for abusing and that abuse isn’t something that should just be accepted.

@mumto2babyboys
My gut feeling is he won't go to for contact through court. He wont want the hassle. He'll just mentally check-out. I cant figure if that's the best route anyways, perhaps it is.

So that's why I'm wondering how an absent father affects people.

I always thought everything will be amazing once I've left, but it's actually really lonely living on your own

I felt lonely and isolated and miserable when he was here.
It's an odd and horrible loneliness, especially when someone who is meant to love you is right there.

I enjoy my own company, so
I won't/dont miss him (sad isnt it). But
I am grieving for a future that I hoped for that will now never exist. But this is so much better than the before

My father being absent has affected me but I think that's more because my mum became a raging alcoholic when I was very young. If she had stayed on track then I don't think he would have been missed in the same way.
I think as long as there is stability and a strong parental presence then it can come from one person just as well as two. I dont really think the phrase broken home applies to a home with a happy and strong single mother in charge of things. A home where DV is a threat is broken.

My parents stayed together until I was 14, apparently for my sake. I really didn't/ don't thank them for it. My Mum did her best but she was miserable, my Dad was borderline abusive and all my happy childhood memories are from my Grandparent's and Auntie's homes rather than my own. My Mum had an affair with my step dad to be and my Dad moved out, which was the best thing that happened to me home-life wise.

@RedFallLeaf

You sound amazingly strong and well done for leaving.

You are lucky to avoid the family courts, they are so biased towards men now.

That was not my apostrophe!

A break up is hard on the kids, but what has the most potential for damage is how the parents behave during and after the break up. Being used as weapons for the parents to inflict pain on each other is far, far worse than the divorce itself.

I don't think the broken home was the issue, more a disinterested father (although not intentionally disinterested, he genuinely doesn't know how to interact or show love properly, but it was hard to grasp that as a child). And that would have been the case whether or not my parents stayed together.

On a positive note, my relationship with my mother is fantastic and we did so much together that I'd not trade it for anything. She was a wonderful single parent, who worked so hard to give me opportunities, and I have so many happy memories of the two of us together from my childhood.

If my parents had stayed together, it would have been awful for everyone.