Were you affected by having no father / 'broken home'

[RedFallLeaf]

I've recently ended my marriage. It took me too long to realise the 'gaslighting' and DV weren't worth the slim good moments. Took multiple attempts to end the relationship/bad incidents, but it's over, very much so, and I'm trying to navigate what's next.
The eldest is of an age to understand why dad's not around. The youngest is nursery school age.

I have no frame of reference, as my childhood was fairly routine 2 parent upbringing. But
I know a good childhood with 1 parent will be better than having 2 parents and a toxic environment. But I'm still left wondering what the impact might be?

So I'm wondering, if you grew up without a father/father figure, what's your thoughts and feelings on this as an adult looking back at your childhood?

Yeah but this isn't just divorce

it's divorce and domestic violence where you are trying to protect you kids from violence

Not using them as a weapon. Just trying to keep them safe

I was very affected by having a father who was in the home, married to my mother but who took very little interest in me and I could tell from an early age that their marriage was one of convenience and not due to love. I used to call my dad the invisible father - he was there but it was like he wasn't as he was so detached from us and spent all his time at work or on his hobbies.

I swore when I grew up I would never stay in a marriage that was loveless just for the children because I understood the damage it did to me and my perception of adult life with children. I couldn't put my children through that.

@bitchwitch Sounds like your mum was amazing. Without minimizing the difficulties and stigmas a woman experiences breaking free from abuse now, to do it in the face of such social condemnation was fantastic. Not surprised she only allowed a lovely stepdad in your lives :)

Personally I don't think it's a bad thing that children grow up seeing that women don't need a man in their life. I know that there's presumable benefits to a strong male role model as well, but it's ok that it's not seen as a necessity.

I had a very difficult upbringing with a father who was constantly in and out of my life. He wouldn’t come home for days on end and my mum would be left frantic and then when he did come home she would explode. This went on for 10 years and even though my dad lived with us for this long he was never really present in our lives as a normal father.

I think consistency has a big effect. live with my girlfriend and her two little girls. Their dad was unpredictable when they were together - often he'd turn his phone off after work and come home at night after blowing money on slot machines. My girlfriend could never give an answer to "when is daddy home?"

A year or so after they split he'd got his head together. Now she can tell them with confidence "at the weekend" or "next weekend" - they have a better relationship with him than they did when he lived with them.

Yes, my poor relationship with my father after he left my mum and started another family affected me badly - poor self esteem, looking for father figures, no belief that relationships can be calm and last etc. However my parents handled their split really, really badly. Both of them were damaged people and when they were together it wasn't exactly a bowl of cherries (well maybe a bowl of rotting ones) so I'm sure I would have been badly affected if they'd stayed together in fact I shudder to think about the idea. It's not the split so much as how it's handled that does the real harm.

My DM left my dad when I was 2 and sister 1. We had a fantastic childhood. No money but lots of love. We have seen our dad through the years but we don't have a relationship now. I had an idea why mum left him but now I'm late 30's she's confirmed it. She never bad mouthed him as she wanted us to make up our own minds about him. Good luck OP.

My dad left when I was around 6 months old. Hasn't effected me at all, well maybe I'm a bit needy but then I'm pretty independent. I think I'm stronger because of it somehow. I know I'd be able to cope if me and DF split ( we have a 4yo)x

Thanks for the replies and input.

Glad it worked out for lots of you in these situations.
And for the others, I wish you peace & happiness xxx

I'm absolutely sure this is the best decision for me. I couldn't tolerate any more of his behaviour :(
By extension that's the best decision for DC too. ~Just working out the kinks in my brain that let fleeting moments of doubt creep in and sadness for what he's lost even tho i know he doesnt deserve my sympathy~ I need to grieve the relationship, then get the fk over it and move on. I know I've got this tho.
X