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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Were you affected by having no father / 'broken home'

82 replies

RedFallLeaf · 01/11/2018 16:56

I've recently ended my marriage. It took me too long to realise the 'gaslighting' and DV weren't worth the slim good moments. Took multiple attempts to end the relationship/bad incidents, but it's over, very much so, and I'm trying to navigate what's next.
The eldest is of an age to understand why dad's not around. The youngest is nursery school age.

I have no frame of reference, as my childhood was fairly routine 2 parent upbringing. But
I know a good childhood with 1 parent will be better than having 2 parents and a toxic environment. But I'm still left wondering what the impact might be?

So I'm wondering, if you grew up without a father/father figure, what's your thoughts and feelings on this as an adult looking back at your childhood?

OP posts:
Original poster
RedFallLeaf · 01/11/2018 17:37

@Feefeetrixabelle
Maintenance - we'll manage without. I was primary income source anyways.
Access - is really unknown atm. I guess that why I've posed the Q/aibu? See if I can shape a preferred outcome or view.

OP posts:
Bambamber · 01/11/2018 17:38

It did affect me negatively, I've often found myself in unhealthy relationships with older men and have always sought male attention. But then my mother was always telling me that my dad never wanted me because I was a girl and essentially constantly bad mouthed him and implied it was my fault. So I don't know whether I was affected by him not being there or by the environment I was brought up in. And if my memories are correct, I would have been even more damaged if he stayed around anyway

MachoManRandySavage · 01/11/2018 17:39

It definitely affected me.

However, I would have been far more affected (badly) had they stayed together for my sake. So you're definitely doing the right thing.

Charley50 · 01/11/2018 17:43

I grew up with an angry abusive dad in the home. It scarred me and my siblings in many ways. Always wish my mum had left him.

Try to focus on creating a warm safe and fun home for you and your DCs.
If they will still see their dad, try and keep it low drama. But if they're v upset at him leaving explain in a child friendly way, why he is not a good person to live with full-time.

BillywigSting · 01/11/2018 17:47

My dad was present when my parents divorced, I stayed at his every weekend and he was loving etc.

But the reason my mum divorced him, the main one at least, was his weed habit.

He would regularly be so stoned he wouldn't know if I was even home. I think if social services had got wind things would have been very different.

It did affect me, but in a positive way I think.

I saw my mum working three 12 hour weekend night shifts every weekend as a nurse and not be able to even afford a bag of dirt for her little plants.

Then get a divorce, let my dad keep the house and furniture, buy a new car and a new (much nicer and bigger) house and furnish and decorate it, drop a shift and still have more money. That's just how much dope my dad was smoking.

Both parents stayed good friends though and are still fond of each other, but I learned that just because you love someone, it doesn't mean staying with them is a good idea. Which is probably a far less painful lesson to learn second hand.

So it's not always doom and gloom for children of divorce

Feefeetrixabelle · 01/11/2018 18:07

I think in that case consistency for the children is key. So if he wants every other weekend that’s what he should always commit to no excuses. Likewise there should be an agreement that neither of you will slag the other off. Decide what to do about partners being introduced now rather than at the time.

Maintenance wise while kids aren’t pay per view it’s extremely healthy for children to see the absent parent contributing to their care. If maintenance is going to be tricky would he agree to being responsible for uniforms. Ie. If your dc go to nursery, school, uniformed groups they know he pays and provides the uniform for this.

Feefeetrixabelle · 01/11/2018 18:09

If he can’t commit to a plan that offers consistency and that puts the child’s welfare first he doesn’t get contact. An absent father is better than a toxic one.

AnnabelleLecter · 01/11/2018 18:28

My dad was by far the better parent. If he had not been around god knows how my life would've turned out.
Left on his own he would have done a fine job. Thinking about being left with just my mum makes me shudder. She struggled to do anything motherly, is over critical and cold for starters.
So it depends on how good a parent is and how they cope.

Upsy1981 · 01/11/2018 19:25

It was affected by my dad being in and out of my life. Sometimes regular contact, then periods of none. It was also affected by the awful, awful man my mum moved in to our home. However, it sounds like you've got rid of one of them. If your children have stability in whatever contact arrangements they end up with (or no contact as long as its consistent) and neither of you have random people in their lives who do not appreciate that your children need to come first, they will be fine.

BertieBotts · 01/11/2018 19:47

I think I'm affected by how my father is/was and him being absent was a part of that. But I wouldn't have been better off had my parents stayed together - it would probably have been much worse.

I really hate the term "broken home" as I think this massively misses the point, if a relationship is unhappy then the home is already "broken", and if it's a happy one parent household it's hardly broken just because it's a different shape than expected! That's silly.

Berimbolo · 01/11/2018 19:47

My real father was violent to my mother, even hitting her whilst she was holding me. My step dad was mentally ill, eventually he committed suicide.

I won't lie, I've been affected by it. I'll probably have issues for the rest of my life - BUT I know what I do and don't want from life. I think growing up with that I learnt to appreciate things and I work hard to have a better life than I started with.

confusedmomm · 01/11/2018 19:52

Didn't affect me in the slightest, my mom has a massive personality and she was more than enough. Never missed anything emotionally

BitchQueen90 · 01/11/2018 19:54

Didn't affect me at all as a kid. I wasn't close to my father anyway.

I remember my childhood being filled with love. We were always in and out of cousins and GPs houses, had a lovely tight knit family. I didn't need a dad.

As an adult though I suppose I have been affected as I don't trust men at all and prefer being single than the idea of leaving myself vulnerable to a man.

I'm a single mum. DS's dad is involved though which is very different to my childhood - my father was completely absent.

Charley50 · 01/11/2018 19:55

@BertieBotts - couldn't agree more! 'Broken home' is emotive, negative propaganda.

Sequinsglitter · 01/11/2018 19:59

I would say i was affected by how my relationship with my dad was after the divorce rather than my parents divorce itself. But that was down to the kind of person and father my dad was and eventually at around 14/15 i stopped speaking to him all together. The divorce did upset me at first but it became normal only having my mum around and i only really remember them arguing constantly. I think if my dad had made the effort and we had a good relationship i probably wouldn't have felt affected by the divorce in the long run

looneymoons · 01/11/2018 20:00

I grew up with a difficult and abusive father. Would have been much happier with just my mum and sibling. A two parent family definitely doesn't always mean a better family. It's the love and nurturing environment that one or more people can give them.

flirtygirl · 01/11/2018 20:03

I think leaving is the best thing for them and if he is toxic then no contact as he will screw with the kids just to make a pint with you.

Also be very careful about who you introduce to your kids.

Above all consistency, stability and love and care is far more than 2 parents living together or 1 parent coming and going.

mumto2babyboys · 01/11/2018 20:35

@RedFallLeaf

I worry about this exact issue as well especially with 2 boys.

Trying to build a better life for them but it's still early days of being single for me and I often worry if I have done the right thing.

mumto2babyboys · 01/11/2018 20:43

The family court always gives a dad contact now. Even with abuse it's done in a contact centre.

At least in my city, my solicitor said no cao ever gets refused anymore. Modified so it can be supervised contact but they will Always always give a dad contact even if he is an evil monster.

@RedFallLeaf

Just be aware that he can and probably will take you to family court for contact.

It's so hard isn't it. Personally I always thought everything will be amazing once I've left, but it's actually really lonely living on your own

dawnacorns · 01/11/2018 20:44

You can't just decide for dcs to go no contact with their dad, it will be up to the courts and both parents have rights to see dcs.

purpleme12 · 01/11/2018 20:44

Yes I was affected. Quite a lot.

I have not worried about my child though with this. This is because she is very resilient and she is completely different to me to be honest and different to how I was growing up. Also it only happened when she was 4. I was a lot older. And I think that makes a difference. But as well I was always the one who did everything with her not her dad so that's another reason I wasn't too worried.

And she has been ok.

It may not always be like that but you can't predict the future and I'm not too worried about that side of things based on now

mindutopia · 01/11/2018 20:59

It was the best thing my mum ever could have done for us. Being in a home where you have to tiptoe around someone and live in fear of always setting them off is no way to grow up. I remember vividly the day my mum told me they were getting divorced and we were moving out. I was excited for our new house and relieved. We talked about what colour carpet I wanted in my new room. I was genuinely happy. It seemed completely normal to me that my parents weren't together anymore. I did see my dad, but I didn't miss him or especially look forward to his visits. He never had me on his own (I don't think he ever would have wanted to or have known what to do with a child, I think he looked after me by himself about twice ever). It really wasn't a big deal. I had a great mum, a happy, secure home, lots of opportunities, and no more stress and worry. My life couldn't have turned out better.

I definitely do feel like I have suffered a bit from having a shit dad. It would have been nice to have two loving parents, but it didn't matter at all whether they were together or not. I had lots of support from extended family and grew up to find a wonderful dh who is the complete opposite of my dad and we have the happy 2 parent family I never had (which is also great).

AuntieFesterAdams · 02/11/2018 00:36

My mother stuck with my father for 'the same of the children'....it would have been far better had we just gone.
My older siblings left home asap and with me aged 11, my mother finally decided she had had enough. Hurrah.
(But my mother was fairly unorganised and took 5 years to secure accom, so I lived with various relatives for 5 years)

hungryhippo90 · 02/11/2018 01:47

I felt rejected by my dad not being in my life, but it really doesn't have to be that way.

Many people who I know who co parent separately have really well adjusted children.

It doesn't actually have to be a terrible thing,

It can mean that your children have a different dynamic with their father. Whilst people are still together, sometimes dad keeps his distance more, and mum gets left to children and house care, when they spend the weekend with dad, dad has to get more involved.

Also, this means that your kids are protected from the shifty parts of your relationship. If you are happier apart then they don't see the arguments and fights or whatever else happened before

There are some positives, not all things will be positive or negative, mostly just different

Didsomeonesaybunny · 02/11/2018 03:25

I had a very difficult upbringing with a father who was constantly in and out of my life. He wouldn’t come home for days on end and my mum would be left frantic and then when he did come home she would explode. This went on for 10 years and even though my dad lived with us for this long he was never really present in our lives as a normal father.

All of this triggered my anorexia/bulimia when I was 12 and I’ve found myself in a similarly abusive relationship for the last 6 years with a man who is similar to my dad in many ways (only much more evil)

I wish my mum had kicked my dad out the first time he left