About new boyfriend?

[WoefulLove]

I have been seeing new bf for two months.

He is really sweet, caring and makes a real effort to see me, but some things are making me question whether this man is right for me.

First off, he smokes weed about 3 times a day. This makes him anxious, but he doesn't show this anxiety when he's with me. He's very upbeat when he's with me but a 40-odd year old still smoking weed? Pfftt!

The second thing is he seems to drift from job to job. He is currently out of work after his last place of work told him he wasn't strong enough manually. He does want to work he says, but whenever I show jobs to him, he says college is more important (he is doing 2 hours per week studies). He is currently on the dole so no nice meals out unless I pay and all our days out are free like walks. When he stays over it riles a bit when i'm leaving for work at 7am and he's still in bed doing with the day as he pleases. He does plan to get a job he says but hasn't applied for one in the month and a half he's been unemployed.

He told me he loved me recently which is really nice, but i'm just questioning whether he's right for me.

Well done.

Now the difficult part, NOT taking him back. BE strong..

OP, the lack of sex would have eventually harmed your own self esteem, so well done. It's always hard when you have to throw one back in the pond, no matter how well justified it is. I think a bit of retail therapy or a nice meal out with a friend is just the thing for you this weekend.

@HollowTalk

Oh! We have a sighting of the elusive Stoned Cocklodger.

If only they were elusive!

OT, but I have a cross cultural question for you and others on the thread. I'm a Yank and when I first started using MN I had to google "cocklodger". The word isn't used here and there's no equivalent term. But it seems to be "a thing" in the UK.

I'm sure there are a few men here who try it on that way, but I've never met one and I can't think of any women friends who have ever had a relationship like that. It could be that cultural norms here discourage men from trying it on like that with a woman or that women here are more likely to just bin them immediately when it became clear that that was their game.

Do you all think that women in your society are simply too tolerant of this type of behavior or that the men have some weird expectation that this is acceptable?

I imagine it's common in all countries, @missconductusa. Where there's weed, particularly, there will be lazy guys who would rather do that all day. If there's a welfare state (which I think there should be!) then some people - not all by any means - will feel free to drop in and out of work. Of course the welfare state doesn't pay enough for a nice lifestyle, so that's when this kind of person will look to someone else to pay for it.

It's hard to see why women can be in thrall to someone so lazy and feckless, but it does happen. As @anyfucker says, they must have gold plated cocks, though I believe in this particular case that doesn't apply.

Thanks HollowTalk, that makes sense. Our welfare state/social benefits are considerably less generous than yours and I'm sure that plays a part.

I think here someone who smoked that much weed simply wouldn't have a girlfriend unless she was as into it as he is. I think this is true with heavy alcohol users and other substance abusers as well.

There's a certain type of man here who's bloody useless. He usually goes for a woman who's too polite and nice to tell him to get his arse into gear. He lounges around while she works. Occasionally he'll get a job and do it so badly that he's fired or walks out. Then a baby comes along and she finds she's doing everything. Then she comes on here and just writing it all out makes her realise what the hell she's landed herself with. If she's lucky, she hasn't married him, so doesn't have to pay him off.

You never know, he might come back in six months having got a job, given up the weed and found his sex drive. I doubt it though.

There's a certain type of man here who's bloody useless. He usually goes for a woman who's too polite and nice to tell him to get his arse into gear.

American women aren't that polite.

That's the type I saw being referred to most commonly here as cocklodgers, with no substance abuse problem to blame it on.

Surely a 'scrub' à la TLC is the American version of cock lodger?

There's women the world over who accept this shit for goodness sake.