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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

About new boyfriend?

133 replies

WoefulLove · 01/11/2018 11:47

I have been seeing new bf for two months.

He is really sweet, caring and makes a real effort to see me, but some things are making me question whether this man is right for me.

First off, he smokes weed about 3 times a day. This makes him anxious, but he doesn't show this anxiety when he's with me. He's very upbeat when he's with me but a 40-odd year old still smoking weed? Pfftt!

The second thing is he seems to drift from job to job. He is currently out of work after his last place of work told him he wasn't strong enough manually. He does want to work he says, but whenever I show jobs to him, he says college is more important (he is doing 2 hours per week studies). He is currently on the dole so no nice meals out unless I pay and all our days out are free like walks. When he stays over it riles a bit when i'm leaving for work at 7am and he's still in bed doing with the day as he pleases. He does plan to get a job he says but hasn't applied for one in the month and a half he's been unemployed.

He told me he loved me recently which is really nice, but i'm just questioning whether he's right for me.

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 01/11/2018 13:11

He also has a decreased sex drive. We haven't actually DTD yet, but he told me this. Maybe because of the weed?

Um, yes, it's because of the weed. Not maybe. He's a drug addict!

Justmuddlingalong · 01/11/2018 13:12

Christ on a bike! He doesn't make an effort to see you. He's got fuck all else to do. He's a freeloader and will become a cocklodger by stealth.

Badtasteflump · 01/11/2018 13:13

Urgh - so he sleeps over at yours, you've been seeing him for two months and he hasn't wanted to DTD? I mean, that's a good thing for you from a getting untangled from him POV, but that's also just another example of how being a druggie really does nothing for your eligibility!

SleepingStandingUp · 01/11/2018 13:15

I was going to say I assume its the kind blowing sex that's keeping you there, but apparently not.

How long do you want to be in a sex less relationship with a guy who spends whatever money he has on weed whilst you pick up the tab?

Do either of you have kids?

Witchesbritches · 01/11/2018 13:16

Woeful. There are a LOT of groups who target MN to see how much of a ‘frothing’ thread they can get going, then laugh about it, making fun of posters replies. It’s pathetic & nasty, but they exist. I thought this thread might be one of those, I kind of hoped in a way, really, because then there wouldn’t be someone who was genuinely asking this.

EmmaGhostGhoul · 01/11/2018 13:16

What exactly do you get from this relationship?

Theyprobablywill · 01/11/2018 13:19

Ok, i'll bite; where did you meet him?

Witchesbritches · 01/11/2018 13:22

Posted too soon...

But I would worry about someone genuinely in your situation.

What attracted you to him?

Where he sleeping when he’s not at your house?

What’s your history that you’d consider a 40yo, unemployed, lazy, seriously weed smoking, broke bloke to be good dating material?

chocolatebox1 · 01/11/2018 13:26

Sounds like a cocklodger in the making, he would have a very comfortable life if he plays his cards right. Don't fall for it

SandAndSea · 01/11/2018 13:26

Speaking from experience... this guy sounds like he will be a time waster for you and not really the match you're looking for (or at all).

LoniceraJaponica · 01/11/2018 13:30

“First off, he smokes weed about 3 times a day.”

I only got as far as this ^^
That would be a deal breaker for me, sorry.

“The second thing is he seems to drift from job to job”

That is probably due to the weed habit. Why are you even with this waste of space? Get rid of him asap. He has no redeeming features and just sees you as a soft touch. I’m surprised you even needed to ask quite frankly.

farghuar · 01/11/2018 13:32

He's smoking weed, which is an automatic 'no' from me.

The unemployed bit: if he was busting his arse off and genuinely looking for work then I may be willing to put it aside. However, the fact that he hasn't even bothered to apply makes him a complete write off.

You'll be spending your life supporting this man, OP. You deserve better.

letsdolunch321 · 01/11/2018 13:37

Dump, block, dump, block.

MamaLovesMango · 01/11/2018 13:52

He’s a deadbeat and an aspiring cocklodger.

Get like Iron Maiden and Run to the hills OP. Then set your standards higher, like, Tom Hardy higher!

RevRichardWayneGaryWayne · 01/11/2018 14:00

Can he be called a cocklodge if he's not even giving cock?!

WoefulLove · 01/11/2018 14:19

Thanks for all your replies. Some of them are very funny!

I was supposed to be seeing him tonight but have called it off while I have a think about things.

OP posts:
CrookedMe · 01/11/2018 14:23

What is there to think about? This isn't a relationship. You don't date unless you pay. You don't have sex.

You've basically put up a waster in your flat.

Shitonthebloodything · 01/11/2018 14:31

Oh god, no love, no. No question. Move on. NEXT!!!

MadameButterface · 01/11/2018 14:38

oh dear lord

I personally don't mind stoners as long as they're high functioning ones, which this one clearly isn't

why are you even asking this question? you have doubts, you don't need anyone else to tell you what to do. please don't be timid like this, you need to trust and value yourself

SandAndSea · 01/11/2018 15:37

Think about all the dreams you have for your life.
Then think about who's going to be organising and paying for them.
Then times that by two - the time and the money - because he won't be able to do it.
Then add on some more time and money because he forgot / was too stoned / wasn't listening to you / didn't realise (etc).

You can get out now relatively unscathed.
Do it.

KM99 · 01/11/2018 15:46

Put it this way. Once the romance wears off what are you left with? A feckless drifter. I don't think it matters how nice he is, at some stage unless he gets a job you'd be carrying him.

Livingloving · 01/11/2018 15:53

What’s the point in spending the night together in bed when you don’t even have sex? Why are you letting him spend the day in your bed when you are working?

Does your home smell of weed? Mine did when I briefly went out with a smoker (well, one night, the smell was disgusting and lingered till the next day.)

BlancheM · 01/11/2018 16:00

Urgh if you hadn't said this was your boyfriend, I'd think you were asking for advice on an unmotivated teen son!
I couldn't bring myself to sleep with a middle aged man acting like such a no-hoper.

RTFT · 01/11/2018 16:08

What's to think about? Jeez, get rid and don't look bad, he doesn't have any redeeming qualities, he sounds like a complete cocklodger

PerverseConverse · 01/11/2018 16:11

Got as far as the smoking weed. Bin him.