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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my son's phone permanently?

122 replies

BeansMeansFun · 01/11/2018 07:54

My son is 14, has a smart phone. It is well protected against adult content. He saved Christmas, Birthday and pocket money to get one he liked. I pay his credit on payg.

He was caught playing on it during lessons. This isn't acceptable so he lost the phone for two weeks and we told him to apologise to the teacher.

Part of having a smart phone was "if we want to check we can". Son was asked to unlock his phone this morning. He says he can't. Says he never lets it run out of charge so only uses finger print log in and can't remember his pin which is needed when phone restarts.

I know it runs out of charge occasionally. I know he knows the pin.

AIBU to say he's broken our trust and our agreement in regards to the smartphone and he's never getting it back?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 01/11/2018 07:55

I wouldn’t say never getting it back. I would simply say you will keep hold of it until he remembers the PIN number

AllenBolts · 01/11/2018 07:56

He's 14! I wouldn't have wanted my parents snooping on my phone when I was 14, even if I had nothing to hide. Punish him for using it in lessons but not because he's uncomfortable with you snooping. He's allowed some privacy

Suttree · 01/11/2018 07:57

You sound very controlling to be honest. You shouldn't be snooping.

giantbanger · 01/11/2018 07:57

He’s 14. I’d say I want it in half an hour. Give him time to delete off the stuff he doesn’t want you to see and then I’d warn him you’ll be randomly checking a lot for the next week.

twiglet · 01/11/2018 07:58

In reality it's not practical to take it off him forever however much you feel like that as you will want him to be able to call you if needed. So when you end up giving it back it will appear as a failed punishment and that he has won if you like.

It's far better to set a realistic amount of time that you can stick to even 3 days will be hell to him so go for 2 weeks or something and state until its unlocked and you have seen it he won't get it back

picklepost · 01/11/2018 07:58

I think you're right and I wish I was stricter with my teenager.

MeredithGrey1 · 01/11/2018 07:58

If that’s the agreement he agreed to then I’d hang on to it until he “remembers” the pin. I’m sure he will once you point out to him that as he can’t get into the phone there is no point in him having it.

lilraven · 01/11/2018 07:59

It isn't controlling to check your 14 year old's phone, Christ! He's a child. He should be checked on. He knew the deal! I'd do as you suggest OP.

giantbanger · 01/11/2018 08:00

You can’t really take it off him if his own money bought it. Unless you’re going to refund him that.

He’s 14. He will have mates with old phones who will just give him one if you don’t give him it back.

Better to be realistic and keep a level of oversight than have him to completely off piste.

Weetabixandshreddies · 01/11/2018 08:01

Just say you will keep it until he "remembers" the PIN. No point him having it if he can't use it because it's locked and he can't remember the PIN to unlock it, is there?

Suttree · 01/11/2018 08:01

it isn't controlling to check your 14 year old's phone it's controlling what ever the age. Why is this controlling authoritarian behaviour encouraged on here?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 01/11/2018 08:01

Snooping would be accessing the phone without his knowledge. The condition of getting the smart phone was access to it. I'm sure the OP doesn't want to read the minutae of every message but wants to ensure her son is using his phone and social media etc sensibly.

mum23kidz · 01/11/2018 08:01

I wdj keep it until he remembers the number. If not, then you will have to restore it to the default. Chances he won't do it again after that.

MintGreen · 01/11/2018 08:01

If he agreed that you could check it as a condition of being allowed the phone then stick to your guns. As for being controlling, I wish my parents had been a bit more controlling when I was that age, then they could have stopped me getting into such risky and stupid situations online. He'll remember the pin when he realises he won't get it back otherwise.

Frustratedboarder · 01/11/2018 08:02

Bloody hell it's not snooping on a 14year old, it's supervision! The child knew it was being monitored so shouldn't be saying or doing anything untoward on it that he didn't want his parents to know about (as he shouldn't anyway at that age, he is just a child). I will definitely be making sure My child is safe online at that age, smartphones - ie online access - can cause a world of trouble at that age for a vulnerable teen!

Controling, my arse.... Hmm

giantbanger · 01/11/2018 08:03

He won’t. Some mate will give him an old phone out of a drawer and he will use that.

Been there done that got the t shirt. Better to keep communication open and have a level of supervision than have him free ranging on another phone.

Poppyfr33 · 01/11/2018 08:03

You are the parent, take phone from him till he remembers pin. You are just preparing him for the adult world and keeping to agreements and learning about trust has to be a big lesson.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 01/11/2018 08:04

Though I think since that was the condition then you should have been asking for access prior to it feeling like part of the punishment.

Frustratedboarder · 01/11/2018 08:04

Cross post with mint.... Exactly!!

Suttree · 01/11/2018 08:05

You are just preparing him for the adult world - yes, in ten years time when his partner feels entitled to have a snoop she'll be advised on here that it's her right, and your son will be ready primed to surrender his device.

IAmBeyonceAlways · 01/11/2018 08:06

YANBU at all. You are being very sensible and as Poppyfr33 said, teaching him a valuable lesson

LotsToThinkOf · 01/11/2018 08:06

There's no way I'd be refunding him if I took it off him permanently, he was allowed to spend his money on it under specific conditions which he has now broken! He's 14 ffs.

PPs advice earlier was good - give him a timeframe that you want the phone returned in, he can then delete anything off it he doesn't want you to see. Then make sure you're checking it regularly.

14 year olds can be irresponsible and get caught up in the moment. You need to make sure he's using that phone responsibly and legally! I don't care how much he spent on it to make it his property. 14 year olds are children, parents need to be the responsible ones.

Original poster
BeansMeansFun · 01/11/2018 08:07

you should have been asking for access prior to it feeling like part of the punishment

It kind of is. His behaviour in school has been awful, and it's very out of character. His teachers have expressed concern and he's not talking to them, the pastoral team or us.

We do check occasionally and do the same with his laptop and xbox.

Reading all sides here. Just wanted to clarify that point. His behaviour did lead to the check but it's not the first check.

OP posts:
Suttree · 01/11/2018 08:09

he was allowed to spend his money on it under specific conditions what a weird attitude

giantbanger · 01/11/2018 08:11

It’s either his phone that he bought with his money or it’s not.

That’s why my kids had contracts that I paid for. Because then the phone was mine and the rules were mine. I could check at any time and they had warning.

Never really found anything other than a lot of shite in their chats with their mates.

At 14 you need to be starting to step back. And let them learn to manage their own social interaction.