Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my son's phone permanently?

122 replies

BeansMeansFun · 01/11/2018 07:54

My son is 14, has a smart phone. It is well protected against adult content. He saved Christmas, Birthday and pocket money to get one he liked. I pay his credit on payg.

He was caught playing on it during lessons. This isn't acceptable so he lost the phone for two weeks and we told him to apologise to the teacher.

Part of having a smart phone was "if we want to check we can". Son was asked to unlock his phone this morning. He says he can't. Says he never lets it run out of charge so only uses finger print log in and can't remember his pin which is needed when phone restarts.

I know it runs out of charge occasionally. I know he knows the pin.

AIBU to say he's broken our trust and our agreement in regards to the smartphone and he's never getting it back?

OP posts:
tiredgirly · 01/11/2018 08:59

I don't think you should be snooping on a 14 yr old like this

LemonTT · 01/11/2018 09:02

I agree with the comment that there could be a wider problem here rather than just a battle of wills. There might not, but I am not entirely sure that winning the battle of wills is the best course of action here anyway.

At its most basic the OPs son may be trying to flex his adult muscles and gain a bit more autonomy in his life. Rightly or wrongly it might be time to give him more freedom generally whilst still retaining the important bits.

If I am honest I think the adult control described is borderline claustrophobic for a 14 year old. Even if it isn’t, he is rejecting it and will continue to reject it no matter what happens now. The controls will snap because they need his cooperation.

The worst case scenarios of bullying and grooming won’t be solved by this approach. If he’s is being bullied then this scenario will just add to his stress and is cruel. If he is being groomed then this approach will add to his alienation from you. As one PP said he will find another way to communicate and a groomer will facilitate this.

The most likely issue here is that he is challenging you because he is growing up and for some kids, especially boys, that involves outright sass and cheek. Deal with the fact that he feels older. Think about how you can treat him differently that respects his belief his is all grown up and your need to protect him from himself and the big wide world.

You can win this battle but may lose the war.

NC4Now · 01/11/2018 09:04

Seriously, the people who don’t think phone use should be supervised - do you allow your teenagers to go wherever they like outside the house without telling you where they are going, or giving them a curfew?

It’s comparable.

mydietstartsmonday · 01/11/2018 09:06

As a parent you need to have the ability to check if you think something is wrong and you do.

I would take the phone until he remembers his pin (as he can't use it until he remembers).

He will remember it soon enough. 14 is a difficult age you don't know what might be going on drugs or other stuff. As parent you have parental responsibility. Once 18 he has his full adult right to privacy.

giantbanger · 01/11/2018 09:08

NC4now no it's not. it's comparable to telling your parents where you are what you're doing, and having your mum turn up mid jaunt to the park or whatever and order you home.

It's also an invasion of privacy of any of the kids whose texts you are reading.

explodingkitten · 01/11/2018 09:11

Can you ask him if he'd be more comfortable with his dad checking the phone? He might have been looking at porn or something and feel more embarressed towards you than dad.

greathat · 01/11/2018 09:13

A 14 year old is a child! They need supervision. I'd keep the phone

NC4Now · 01/11/2018 09:14

Giant banger - I see it as the equivalent of your teen not coming home when they say they will and you going looking for them. And I think that’s quite normal, if the concern is high enough.

giantbanger · 01/11/2018 09:16

different views isn't it, because for me they can't go anywhere except where I allow them in the phone scenario due to the restrictions.

Not one is right or wrong, it's just a different view.

Original poster
BeansMeansFun · 01/11/2018 09:27

Thanks everyone, lots to think on here and lots of different views.

Phone is still banned for another week as per original punishment for using it in lessons. Going to speak to DSs pastoral mentor and DH and try to work a plan that allows us to resolve this.

There are other recent behaviour problems as well as this and I think some guidance from the professionals at school who've seen this 50 times over is something I should grab with both hands.

Appreciate all comments. Hoping to find a solution with balance where we can protect and help DS while still allowing him some personal responsibility.

14 is such a bugger of an age.

OP posts:
KingBee · 01/11/2018 09:31

Strict parenting does not protect kids - it just makes them sneaky - they will figure out ways to get around your ban - only they will be alone when the shit hits the fan.

waterrat · 01/11/2018 09:34

oh people are so naive. It is absolutely rock solid knowledge from experts in social media/ tech that you check a young teens phone and have free access. It doesn't mean you go through it all the time - it means they will know that you can.

It is not like reading a diary - this is an open access device to bullying/ the full contents of the worlds internet/ anyone they may be in contact with.

tiggerkid · 01/11/2018 09:35

never seems a bit harsh but I had moments when I took my son's phone away for a month. Perhaps, a longer time period is an option or take it away and let him know he'll get it back when you see a change in XYZ. The responsibility is the on him to demonstrate the right behaviours in order to get his phone back.

NC4Now · 01/11/2018 09:36

I agree with that KingBee. It’s a very difficult line to tread though. I think a lot depends on the kid.
My oldest is very impulsive and easily led, my youngest very risk averse and conforming.
You can guess which one needs the most supervision...

waterrat · 01/11/2018 09:36

I think the main problem is that adults understand the internet/ texting/ whatsapp is a risk - not like a diary. But young people growing up with this stuff do treat it like a complete extension of their private mind/ private conversations - the stuff that we adults who grew up PRE-internet - would NEVER have wanted shared with adults.

It's a difficult situation.

TheWiseWomansFear · 01/11/2018 09:44

My mum took my brothers phone indefinitely, he still doesn't have it back a year later. It's been good for him. He doesn't have any SM either.

TheWiseWomansFear · 01/11/2018 09:44

That was for something much worse Han your son has done though

Summerisdone · 01/11/2018 09:46

I think you have a right to check his phone, that was part of the agreement when you agreed to him buying a phone, and as punishment you for not sticking to the rules then you can certainly refuse to top up the credit... but I do think it's unfair to take something off him especially on an indefinite basis when he saved up and bought it for himself

newplacenofriends · 01/11/2018 09:50

theres plenty of reasons why he may not want to show it to you that are perfectly valid.
He could be wanting to ask a girl/boy out and doesn't want you to make a big deal out of it.
He could have come out to his friends but not want you to know yet.
One of his friends might have come out to him over text discretly and not want anyone else to know.
He could have moaned about you when you told him off once and not want you to see as he feels bad about it.

KingBee · 01/11/2018 09:54

Seriously, the people who don’t think phone use should be supervised - do you allow your teenagers to go wherever they like outside the house without telling you where they are going, or giving them a curfew?

So my friend's parents had a strict curfew when she was 14 - so she crept out of her window and went clubbing - she was raped and because she had broken the rules she didn't tell her parents and she lived with the feeling that she had deserved it - she didn't tell anyone what had happened her till she was 26 years old! I could tell countless stories about the times many of our friends lied about sleepover while going out clubbing or getting up to something else their parents didn't approve of.
Rules do do protect teenagers as much as you think - the determined ones will find a way around them and the more determined you are to control the harder they will try to get around them. Let your teenagers know that no matter what trouble they are in - if they call you for help you will be there and you will not question them - apart from to make sure no one is in danger - your priority is their safety.

Handsfull13 · 01/11/2018 09:56

Can you have a sit down with him with a no punishment if he comes clean agreement.

My step son was caught out for something and punished for it but my partner also gave him the option to admit to anything else without getting any additional punishment.
He did admit to things and we discussed why we didn't allow it and that if he was caught again there would be more punishment.

It gave us some more things to look out for but I believe to gave him some relief that he didn't have to worry about us catching him on those other things.

Maybe give your son a chance to tell you why he doesn't want you to see his phone without getting in trouble. He might open up.

There are ways to unlock a locked phone which you might have to do for him to use anyway. If he really doesn't know the password then returning it to him he still wouldn't be able to use it. So you need to get it unlocked no matter what.
But I think finding out what he doesn't want you to see is a priority if his behaviour is a problem.

giantbanger · 01/11/2018 09:57

Absolutely agree wtih that.

I've reared children through their teenaged years and although I wasn't always totally enamoured of where they were and what they were doing (drinking at 16 at house parties) I much preferred to know where they were and was always prepared to go and pick them up.

The number of their mates whose parents didn't know where they were and what they were doing because the kids had lied to them after being told they couldn't go/couldn't do was staggering.

3TresTrois · 01/11/2018 09:58

My 13 yr old has had his phone indefinitely confiscated because he refused to let me spot check it occasionally. Although this is following on from him using it irresponsibly (not porn, but accessing adult gaming content).

Tough luck, mate. You’re 13. A child. You’re lucky to have a phone. A phone that I pay for!

He’ll get it back when he plays ball. Just like my mum unlocked our house phone when she was suitably satisfied that I wouldn’t run up another epic bill ringing my boyfriend Grin.

I’m with you, OP. The amount of licence children are given these days is ridiculous.

FishCanFly · 01/11/2018 10:13

I'd give him a very basic phone or an old and cheap smart one which can't do much. And it is FAMILY PROPERTY, not his own.
The one you're taking away - just sell it. Keep the cash and give him a chance to earn it back.

tiredgirly · 01/11/2018 10:14

It is absolutely rock solid knowledge from experts in social media/ tech that you check a young teens phone

Experts in social media , not raising teens so only seeing one perspective

Swipe left for the next trending thread