To take my son's phone permanently?

[BeansMeansFun]

My son is 14, has a smart phone. It is well protected against adult content. He saved Christmas, Birthday and pocket money to get one he liked. I pay his credit on payg.

He was caught playing on it during lessons. This isn't acceptable so he lost the phone for two weeks and we told him to apologise to the teacher.

Part of having a smart phone was "if we want to check we can". Son was asked to unlock his phone this morning. He says he can't. Says he never lets it run out of charge so only uses finger print log in and can't remember his pin which is needed when phone restarts.

I know it runs out of charge occasionally. I know he knows the pin.

AIBU to say he's broken our trust and our agreement in regards to the smartphone and he's never getting it back?

"That is true but it's much trickier to take nude selfies on a public computer or a friend's phone."

But if they take nude selfies and delete them (and clear their deleted items) and they are sent via Snapchat, how would you know from looking at their phone?

The only way you would see them is if the recipient saved them and shared them, which is the angle I take when talking with my DCs, to try and ensure they would never do this. Anything they send, pics or words, even on Snapchat can be saved by recipient and sent to everyone they know or even printed out and put on the classroom wall.

One thing I have found useful with older teens is them seeing old photos (printed or on Facebook timeline etc) - "errrrrmygod look at my hair in year 7 I look like a minger why did you let me look like that". "See, how would you feel if someone had saved that and sent it to all your friends now". Kind of gets the point across.

OP it's so tricky, I really feel for you. Do you have any older family members he might open up to, or does he have any older siblings? They can be useful at getting information DC are reluctant to share with parents.

You can't take away and sell a phone that he saved teh money tobuy. Morally that's the wrong thing to do, and it will destroy your relationship with him and mean he just tells you absolutely nothing.
He's 14. Not he has a full time job and earns his own money. Otherwise - his pocket money technically came out of your pocket.
Sell the phone and give him back the cash when he's better behaved.

Mummy your DC can see all your texts etc on your own phone?! Goodness. Do they listen to all your phone calls to friends too? I really don't think you need to allow your DC access to your private life to justify looking after them responsibly.

Plus if you have teens how do you vent about their Kevin moments?!

So just because kids might go to more extreme lengths to hide things, parents shouldn't even try to supervise online activity?? I've recently attended lectures by an expert in child development and the mental health based research definitely advocates for parents supervising social media use. The reality is social media is a giant experiment, it hasn't been around long enough to determine long term effects on our kids who know no different and I have no problem doing what I need to to reduce any potential harm to my teen

Phones, privacy and access to the internet at all times are HUGELY emotional and loaded isses for my boys who are 16 and 14. Their dependence on their smartphones is so total it reminds me of the Dr Who episodes where the Ood carry a part of their brains in their hands

DS2 is 14 and if I were to suggest that I have access to his phone to check up on his activity he would be horrified, insulted and would probably equate it to a physical strip-search. He's pretty easy-going generally and doesn't challenge sensible rules for the sake of being rebellious, as a rule, but privacy is a massive deal for him and i don't even go into his room when he's out - he would see it as a violation of his privacy if he did. Do I like this arrangement? No, I bloody don't, I would love to know more about what he's doing on his phone, and the ever-present social media activity scares me to death, but I don't think riding rough-shod over his sense of fairness is the way to promote a more open relationship. I want him to talk to me, I want him to trust me and if I lay down the law in the way some posters suggest, I am fully convinced that he will get a different phone from a friend and I will have even less access to his life than I currently do. Whether we like it or not, teenagers now are different from ourselves at the same age, their lives and expectations are different and we have to deal with what is, not what we would like to be. i find parenting ds2 at 14 is largely by consent.

DS1 is a bit more complicated because he has ASD and is suffering some quite serious mental health problems at the moment, so I won't muddy the waters by going into detail. However CAMHS have advised us to take away his phone at night and we have done so, although we did manage to gain his consent for it and make some concessions in return rather than just "putting our foot down", which again would just have been alienating and unfair.

I'm not saying don't check or supervise but people need to remember they may not be seeing the whole picture and shouldn't rely solely on their phones as a true reflection. Like the OP I think most of us have an intuition though if there is an issue.

I'm not saying don't check or supervise but people need to remember they may not be seeing the whole picture and shouldn't rely solely on their phones as a true reflection.
its not about true reflection. it's about them not putting things on a phone/media that they wouldn't want others' finding.

Over protective parents can help Internet predators get a foot in - when teen's parents are overprotective - the predator can take on the role of being the only one who understands them, they do not need to post pics of themselves naked to attract attention - but being emotionally vulnerable from overly controlling parents makes them very easy to manipulate.

Maybe the reason that there is so much online bullying and inappropriate activity is because some people - like a lot of parents/carers etc on here - think that it is wrong to monitor a child's online activity!!!!
Jeez! Bloody parent!!!!

I once checked DD’s phone late at night and saw suicidal SM postings from her friend. I’m glad I checked and could take action on that occasion. Granted that was an unusual issue but it’s not the only time I’ve found out about things that could cause children harm that way and I have been able to report issues anonymously too.

but being emotionally vulnerable from overly controlling parents makes them very easy to manipulate

Kids know that parents can make their lives difficult, while some mythical predator has done nothing to them yet. Parents should not be enemies. I'd rather limit kids access to technology then punish poor judgement and lack-of self control

FridayDreamer, that’s a huge thing for 14 year olds to be expected to deal with. Handled wrongly the implications could be horrific for the whole friendship group.
Thank god you were able to intervene.

mythical predator not so mythical - we have living a few doors down from us’

ts not about true reflection. it's about them not putting things on a phone/media that they wouldn't want others' finding

It’s way bigger than not sharing something that potentially a future employer will find and refuse you a job. It’s about not getting involved in bullying, not sharing inappropriate material (the topless photo of the girlfriend of a friend of a friend of a friend), not entering into online relationships which become something in the real world. It’s also about taking responsibility and reporting anything they are uncomfortable with with a parent or teacher - think a friend getting involved in the pro-anorexia community or becoming radicalised. It’s avoiding getting sucked into these communities, particularly when frequently don’t reveal themselves to be what they actually are in the first instance.

Far too many parents do not see the very real dangers their children are facing and/or assuming it couldn’t happen to them. It is happening to children just like yours every single day.

@KingBee and you assume I am that kind of teacher who would prevent children from going to the toilet...because?

Is it possible he’s embarrassed because his history has porn sites in it or something? Teach him how to use anonymous browsing for personal stuff!

He’s looking at porn, most likely.
You just have to hope it isn’t a violent dodgy type.
Smart phones will ruin a fair few kids until there is more age regulation.

He's entitled to privacy fgs,he may have messages from a girl,Its hardly the crime of the century is it.Tell him if it happens again,it will be a different matter.Its his too,he paid for it,,,,

Less than a year ago my then 14 year old became involved via a friend of a friend with some very very scary and dangerous people. Consequently social services became involved and carried out an initial assessment of his safety. The fact that he had, and adhered to, relatively early curfew times, that I could track his phone & that I was in the habit of occasionally checking his phone and would enforce it in the face of quite significant resistance were all factors that led social services to believe I could & did safeguard him adequately and therefore close the case with no further action.

He is now closer to 16 than 15 (& in a safer situation) & no, I very largely don’t check his phone, but the facility is still there if essential. I pay for WiFi and the contract for his phone & whilst it’s not a privilege I invoke lightly I do have the right to check his phone.

However. Snapchat in particular is a totally dangerous invention for teens & requires self-management & maturity. 😢

You keep the phone until he remembers, if he has genuinely forgotten you can take it to a tech guy to unlock. Either way let him know you are checking it before he gets it back. That was the deal. You're not being controlling. You are parenting a young teen.

AngelilYou mentioned you were a teacher - I don't think your teaching experience make you an expert at parenting. Teachers on here and in my experience in real life tend to distrust kids - expect them to lie, their relationship with kids is rarely any where near parental - it might be for you but that I believe would not be typical of what I have experienced of your profession.

freddiethegreat I couldn't agree more.