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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's really mean to exclude dd like this?

96 replies

twosoups1972 · 31/10/2018 10:17

Dd is 11, just started Year 7.

She was enormously happy at her primary school, was in a lovely class and was friendly with everyone but particularly so with 4 other girls. They were a close group of friends and had regular playdates in various combinations.

The mum of one of these girls (let's call her B) seemed to take a dislike to my dd as time went on. Dd was never invited to B's house in spite of B coming to us countless times. When they went on a residential in Year 5, B's mum bought small cuddly toys for her dd and the other girls but not my dd which obviously caused dd a lot of upset. On the last day of Year 6, all the children and parents went to the park after school. I later found out that B had invited the other girls back to her house after the park but not my dd.

They have gone to different secondary schools - two of them to one school, two to another and my dd to a third school. Dd is settling in well and making new friends at school but loves her primary school friends and wants to stay in touch.

One of the girls turned 12 in September and had a party to which dd and the others were invited. B's birthday is in a few weeks' time and I have found out from the other mums that dd hasn't been invited but the other girls are.

This is incredibly mean, right? Dd's birthday is in Feb and I know she will want to invite B. It hasn't dawned on her yet about B's upcoming birthday but I guess she will realise soon enough. The other mums think it's awful and are cross on my behalf.

I really want to say something to B's mum but not sure if I should.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2018 10:23

It's very sad for your daughter, but the fact is, not everyone has to like her. It's perplexing and hurtful, but there isn't anything to be done about it. Don't confront B's mother because all it will do is create more problems.

drinkygin · 31/10/2018 10:23

Honestly I don’t know if I’d be able to help myself, I would HAVE to ask what her problem was. I’m. It sure it’ll get you anywhere though. I’m sorry your daughters being excluded like this I hope her friendships blossom with her new friends and she forgets about her primary school friends.

pouraglasshalffull · 31/10/2018 10:26

I think its strange that its the mother that has a problem not her DD. Its very spiteful, petty and childish and very bizarre. Why would a fully grown woman have a problem with a child to the extent where she excludes her from her DD life

I'd ask her what the problem is. If it blows up then at least DD is at different schools and you'll not have to see her

ConfusedMum82 · 31/10/2018 10:28

I've had this done to DD and it is so upsetting and so juvenile of an adult to behave like that.
With DD, I told her to concentrate on making new friendships and not to let negative people suck her into their negativity. Only she can allow them to upset her, best thing to teach here is some people are arseholes, no reason why they just are, but it doesn't mean you have to let them upset you. Big smile, and do something nice with her on the day.

Mirali · 31/10/2018 10:30

How unkind. Do you think the girl will come to your dd's party? If so it's a bit hypocritical that your dd is good enough to go to her parties but not good enough to invite back.

LIZS · 31/10/2018 10:30

So she is no longer at school with B and only sees her when others arrange a get together? It may seem mean but friendships do drift towards the end of primary and new ones appear at secondary.

notangelinajolie · 31/10/2018 10:34

It's very sad and yes mean too but the friends are no longer all together in the same school and secondary school is the time when DCs make new friends and become more independent with their choice of friends. I think you need to take a step back on this and allow your DD establish new friendship groups. 12 is old enough to not have well-meaning parents getting involved. It's not easy to watch your DC' struggle - just offer your love and hugs and she will be fine.

redexpat · 31/10/2018 10:36

The time to address this has long gone.

HannahnotAgnes · 31/10/2018 10:39

I agree with redexpat - time to address has passed.

The whole thing is very mean but sadly some people are, so best to help your DD to deal with that.

Also, given they're at different schools now, I'd encourage your DD to make new friends & let the friendship with B fall by the wayside.

Original poster

twosoups1972 · 31/10/2018 10:39

lizs this has been going on a long time.

OP posts:

Lindy2 · 31/10/2018 10:41

I would encourage her to just let that particular friendship go. They are at separate schools and the friendship is clearly quite one sided.
Your DD should stay in touch with her other friends and should look to develop new school friendships.
Why would you try and maintain a friendship with someone who continually snubs you in return?

Sirzy · 31/10/2018 10:42

Sounds like the friendship has run its course. They are st different schools so as long as they are polite when they see each other through mutual friends then I would just see it as a life lesson

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 31/10/2018 10:43

To be honest by February your dd may want something with just her new school friends. I would probably suggest a casual meet up in town for coffee apart from B and if she come she comes, if not then not worry about it. We had something fairly similar and although it still mystifies us dd and I just shrug and think how much work and mental energy the mother must be wasting through her energies, plus the discussions that she has had to have with her daughter to justify whatever prejudices she is acting on.

blueskiesandforests · 31/10/2018 10:45

Although the mother should never have medalled and the primary school stuff might have been mean, the drifting apart once they are at different secondaries isn't. It's absolutely fine not to invite an old primary school friend who's gone to a different secondary to your party in year 7!

I don't think B's is the only mum over invested in her preteen child's friendships.

Gatehouse77 · 31/10/2018 10:46

Mine took full advantage of being able to leave behind people who they were not that keen on when moving schools.

If your DD still thinks there is any distance in this friendship then perhaps the best thing you could do is talk it through with her and give her the tools to help her over this.

Friendships are so fluid and what seems awful now will pale into insignificance in time but that's hard for an 11 year old to grasp as they are totally wrapped up in the emotions. that's where you can step in and guide her how to approach things with/without this girl.

Whereismumhiding2 · 31/10/2018 10:50

Perfect time to walk away from this one way friendship with B.
Invite the others to DDs party but not B. She wasn't invited to Bs so clearly not that bothered. Your DD will also make new friends at secondary school.

IME they go through groups of friends a few times, natural progression as they develop their personalities more. So if they stay friends with even one or two from primary even though at different schools, that's great but unusual.

MrsScrubbingbrush · 31/10/2018 10:53

I agree with the PP, by February your DD may well want to celebrate her birthday with her new friends.

As a mum to twin DDs who are now in Y8 (at different schools) can I just say that the ties to their old primary school were very tight for the first half of Y7. Understandable as this was where the had spent most of their life. However, they did gradually loosen over the rest of the year. My DDs are 13 in a couple of weeks and the friends they've chosen to celebrate with are all new ones.

They haven't completely abandoned old friends as they want to have a 'catch-up' with them at Costa too.

StroppyWoman · 31/10/2018 10:56

I agree with everyone, let it be.
Clearly this relationship is withering on the vine and the best thing you can do for your daughter is help her focus on the new relationships in Y7 rather than trying to reverse B's family's rejection of your daughter.
Not everyone will like a child; that's human nature and we can't do anything about except support our children when they inevitably face these situations.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/10/2018 10:56

Are you sure it's Bs mum and not B? Could it be that B is your daughters friend because B gets on very well with A and A is your daughters friend? If so as they grow older B wont want your daughter around when it's her call. Still mean of mum especially with the toys

canyouhearthedrums · 31/10/2018 10:57

I would be more annoyed at the other mum's thinking it is awful and telling you that they think it is awful but not at least asking B why they are doing this.
I have 'excluded' a child before, albeit very discreetly. She appeared at first very quiet and why but was very bossy, domineering and the group dynamic when she was there was tense and not relaxed. She wanted to lead at all times and would cry if she didn't get her own way. Her DM would then go nuclear and say that her DD had been bullied.

Ilikeknitting · 31/10/2018 10:57

When dd has her birthday, point out that she was not invited to B’s party, so you will not be allowing your dd to invite B to her party. Start treating this other child as your own child is being treated.
It won’t make the situation any better, but it will get the message across that being excluded is not nice and that you have noticed.
I’d also be organising a few girlie days for my dd and excluding B from them too, but I’m just a cow.

Original poster

twosoups1972 · 31/10/2018 10:59

Thank you all.

I don't necessarily agree that primary school friendships are forgotten about once secondary school starts - my middle dd also maintained primary school friendships even though they went to different secondaries, it's nice to have some out of school friends.

mumhiding I think dd will be upset when she finds out about B's party. She was very upset to be excluded after the park.

Totally agree that there is no point pursuing this friendship, but I am intrigued what this mother's problem with dd is.

OP posts:

Jeezoh · 31/10/2018 11:00

Going against the grain here but I don’t think it’s mean. It’s tough on your DD but friendships change and it sounds like this one has been changing for a while. B is entitled to have who she wants at her party.

Encourage your DD to continue to make new friends and rise above it all.

Jeezoh · 31/10/2018 11:01

Are you sure it’s B’s mother and not B herself who has the issue?

junebirthdaygirl · 31/10/2018 11:02

Seeing your dd has gone to a school on her own l'm wondering if its to a private school and was that mom put out by that or jealous in some way.

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