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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's really mean to exclude dd like this?

96 replies

twosoups1972 · 31/10/2018 10:17

Dd is 11, just started Year 7.

She was enormously happy at her primary school, was in a lovely class and was friendly with everyone but particularly so with 4 other girls. They were a close group of friends and had regular playdates in various combinations.

The mum of one of these girls (let's call her B) seemed to take a dislike to my dd as time went on. Dd was never invited to B's house in spite of B coming to us countless times. When they went on a residential in Year 5, B's mum bought small cuddly toys for her dd and the other girls but not my dd which obviously caused dd a lot of upset. On the last day of Year 6, all the children and parents went to the park after school. I later found out that B had invited the other girls back to her house after the park but not my dd.

They have gone to different secondary schools - two of them to one school, two to another and my dd to a third school. Dd is settling in well and making new friends at school but loves her primary school friends and wants to stay in touch.

One of the girls turned 12 in September and had a party to which dd and the others were invited. B's birthday is in a few weeks' time and I have found out from the other mums that dd hasn't been invited but the other girls are.

This is incredibly mean, right? Dd's birthday is in Feb and I know she will want to invite B. It hasn't dawned on her yet about B's upcoming birthday but I guess she will realise soon enough. The other mums think it's awful and are cross on my behalf.

I really want to say something to B's mum but not sure if I should.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 31/10/2018 11:03

Just let it go, and focus on helping your child make new friendships with children she’s actually at school with now.

Who knows what was going through the other Mum’s mind? Maybe it was spite on her part. Maybe your kid isn’t always nice or easy-going when you’re not there. Maybe they just genuinely didn’t see your DD as part of the “squad” in the way that you do.

It doesn’t matter now anyway. You don’t have to see these people ever again.

Faithlulu · 31/10/2018 11:04

I would ask the mother why she is not invited, perhaps B does not consider her to be a close friend which would be incredibly sad for you poor ds

ManicUnicorn · 31/10/2018 11:04

I work in school and have done for several years now, and one thing Ive come to realise is that some parents are just utter cunts. It's ok people upthread saying not Everyone has to like the OP's daughter, and that's true but she's still a child and I think there is something extremely nasty about excluding them like this, what kind of adult does that?

The cuddly toy thing in particular is very, very unkind indeed and I'd have to say something about that.

Original poster
twosoups1972 · 31/10/2018 11:05

june not a private school but a grammar school. I did wonder if jealously played a part.

OP posts:
Original poster
twosoups1972 · 31/10/2018 11:07

Thank you manic. That's what I mean - I accept that not everyone will like dd, I accept that friendships change....but I do think it's mean to exclude one child from a close friendship group on more than one occasion.

OP posts:
Oblomov18 · 31/10/2018 11:09

You are going to have to let this go. There is no other way foreword.

This can't just be B's mum.
Clearly B doesn't want your dd there much either.

Don't leave it till the birthday. Get the other girls, minus B, to a sleepover at your house ASAP. Make is so fab!

And encourage new friendships at secondary. Since year 7, now year 10, Ds1 has a totally new friendship group. These boys and girls are truly lovely and ds1 has never been so happy.

Oblomov18 · 31/10/2018 11:12

B was clearly never as keen on your dd as your dd was on her.

Probably she was even threatened by your dd!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 31/10/2018 11:12

Not liking a child is one thing.
Letting it show through bullying (and exclusion is bullying) is very much another.
I'm.not suggesting you do this and I know its not popular on here but I'd have to ask the mother obviously in an assertive none threatening way.
What exactly her problem was. These things can fester.

GreenTulips · 31/10/2018 11:12

I think you need to take a step back on this and allow your DD establish new friendship group

Back off and let DD enjoy her new friendships and leave this girl to her own devices.

KC225 · 31/10/2018 11:12

I agree you should encourage you daughter to make friends away from B. Invite the other girls around. Have a conversation with your DD say you know she hasn't been invited and say now you have moved schools, perhaps it's time to let this friendship for the time being.

If this has been going on for years - have you not been tempted to broach it with the mum, and curious as to why hasn't one of the other mum's in the group asked her what the problem is.

Tinty · 31/10/2018 11:13

I think dd will be upset when she finds out about B's party. She was very upset to be excluded after the park.

She probably will be, but now is the time to invite someone else or arrange something else for that weekend if she isn't invited.

As PPs say it is time for her to make new friends at her new school. If B is actually a friend to your DD and it is her mother stopping them spending time together, then as they get older they and the other friends can arrange to meet up, and it will be B's choice. If it is actually that B isn't bothered then the friendship will drift.

I agree with you that they don't need to leave primary friends behind but they often see them less because they all make new friends when they are at different schools.

Original poster
twosoups1972 · 31/10/2018 11:13

oblomov two of them are coming to sleep over tonight as it happens! Smile

OP posts:
Oblomov18 · 31/10/2018 11:14

The cuddly toy on year 6 trip was nasty.
However you yourself said that B mother had shown dislike for your dd for some time, so this is hardly a surprise.

Leeds2 · 31/10/2018 11:14

I wouldn't raise it with B's mother, as I think you will just end up looking foolish. I am however surprised that the other mums haven't asked why your DD is being excluded - surely they know?
I certainly wouldn't be inviting B to DD's birthday party, and she will understand why/probably not want to do so anyway. I would though, as a previous poster suggested, organise a get together/sleepover/meal out for the girls other than B in the next couple of weeks.

sollyfromsurrey · 31/10/2018 11:15

Jeezoh nothing the OP has said suggests that it is B having the problem but B's mother. In any event, if the group was known as a group of 4 and clear to the world that they were a quartet, it is outrageous that B's mother would buy toys for 3 of them and not the one that she didn't like. Trying to engineer the group of 4 into a group of 3 because you don't like one of the girls is just horrible and unless DD was genuinely a problem child, completely uncalled for.

Oblomov18 · 31/10/2018 11:15

Brilliant OP.
That's the answer! 

Original poster
twosoups1972 · 31/10/2018 11:16

leeds one of the other mums nearly said something to B's mum but decided it wasn't worth it in the end. Think they're a bit scared of her, they've said in the past it's not good to get on the wrong side of her.

OP posts:
Sleepsoon7 · 31/10/2018 11:16

Very mean but sadly not uncommon. Friend might also be jealous and not want your DD getting more attention than her etc (I speak from experience of this and the opposite when one of my DC not considered ‘their kind of person’). I would ignore other mum and try and keep DD distracted. I would also not invite the other child over any more for now and predominately concentrate on new friendships. Friends out of school can certainly be a safe haven at times but this particular friendship seems destined to bring more upset than pleasure.

spanishwife · 31/10/2018 11:20

3 possible reasons:

  1. The mum doesn't like YOU
  2. The other little girl doesn't like DD
  3. Your DD is rude/naughty when she's not with you

Either way, time to encourage her to make new friends.

Oblomov18 · 31/10/2018 11:21

"Dd was never invited to B's house in spite of B coming to us countless times. "

Herein lies the problem.
Why did you keep inviting B, when the friendship was so one sided.
Or not talk to mum in year 4?

Original poster
twosoups1972 · 31/10/2018 11:24

oblomov because dd wanted to invite her and I wanted to avoid pettiness over who was hosting. Dd sometimes liked to have 2 or 3 of these girls over together. Perhaps in hindsight I shouldn't have invited her so much.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/10/2018 11:31

"Dd was never invited to B's house in spite of B coming to us countless times

This still coulf mean its B not her Mum. B gets on well enough with ops dd to play but she doesnt consider her a special enough friend to invite back if numbers are limited.

ohfourfoxache · 31/10/2018 11:34

Can you find out when the party is and do something special instead? So when dd realises, you could tell her that she has other plans instead?

I don’t know what to do about cunt mum though, she sounds thoroughly disgusting

Aeroflotgirl · 31/10/2018 11:34

It is mean,but I would write the friendship with B off and just concentrate on DD friendship with the other girls. Don't invite B to anything, that's in the past now.

blueskiesandforests · 31/10/2018 11:37

twosoups your job is to show your DD it's no big deal if the friendship with B has faded out, not to obsess over it and escalate. The other friends coming over is good obviously.

As for the title for tat invitations - again youre over invested. My DS is football mad and has football parties, invites boys who like football. Year after year he's invited to parties by a boy who he only met via a mutual friend, who is in the year above him (now at secondary and still ongoing but started years ago at primary) and hates all sport. That boy has different parties - once a nerf one but mostly DVDs and pizza. That's fine, DS is happy enough to go. I'm secretly a little confused by why he's invited and assume it's to make up the numbers, but that's ok. I dont make DS invite that boy to his parties though. Do you think I should?