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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's really mean to exclude dd like this?

96 replies

twosoups1972 · 31/10/2018 10:17

Dd is 11, just started Year 7.

She was enormously happy at her primary school, was in a lovely class and was friendly with everyone but particularly so with 4 other girls. They were a close group of friends and had regular playdates in various combinations.

The mum of one of these girls (let's call her B) seemed to take a dislike to my dd as time went on. Dd was never invited to B's house in spite of B coming to us countless times. When they went on a residential in Year 5, B's mum bought small cuddly toys for her dd and the other girls but not my dd which obviously caused dd a lot of upset. On the last day of Year 6, all the children and parents went to the park after school. I later found out that B had invited the other girls back to her house after the park but not my dd.

They have gone to different secondary schools - two of them to one school, two to another and my dd to a third school. Dd is settling in well and making new friends at school but loves her primary school friends and wants to stay in touch.

One of the girls turned 12 in September and had a party to which dd and the others were invited. B's birthday is in a few weeks' time and I have found out from the other mums that dd hasn't been invited but the other girls are.

This is incredibly mean, right? Dd's birthday is in Feb and I know she will want to invite B. It hasn't dawned on her yet about B's upcoming birthday but I guess she will realise soon enough. The other mums think it's awful and are cross on my behalf.

I really want to say something to B's mum but not sure if I should.

OP posts:

Original poster

twosoups1972 · 31/10/2018 13:01

Sorry what do you mean mistress?

OP posts:

Havaina · 31/10/2018 13:02

@IamtheMistressofmyFate

That's really unfair. It was a pp who asked OP if her DD was going to a private school and OP responded saying it's a grammar school.

And I think she's right, something like that doesn't bring up people's green eyed monster.

I'm assuming OP's DD is brighter than the other girls, but OP has been very forbearing by not making an issue of it on this thread.

Ifoundanacorn · 31/10/2018 13:04

Plan something now before your dd finds out about B’s party. Make it super special and create some excitement possibly inc some new friends for school? When the party crops up you can simply say it sadly it is a shame it clashes and move on to talking about your event. It will save face for your dd and she don’t care so much if she is out having fun.

In terms of her own birthday focus entirely on new school friends. This is where your energies should be. She will soon forget about B as her friendships deepen.

Just because B and mother are spiteful doesn’t mean you write off the other girls and mothers. Arrange a Christmas outing or similar and stop inviting B to all future get togethers. At eleven she is old enough to have a discussion about cutting lose friends that hurt you. Try and see it as a helpful life lesson to share with dd.

Enjoy the other friends and forget about B from now on.

Ifoundanacorn · 31/10/2018 13:05

Won’t

Ifoundanacorn · 31/10/2018 13:06

Loose!

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 31/10/2018 13:23

I would let your daughter decide whether she wants to invite B or not, and not worry much either way.

Sometimes you just suck up one dodgy "friend" in a group of otherwise solid friends, because drawing lines and escalating grievances can destroy the group or force people to choose sides. This has always worked for me in the long run.

mcmooberry · 31/10/2018 13:29

I think it's highly unlikely that B doesn't like the OP's DD as she went to her house "countless times" and those invitations would presumably have been easy to refuse if she hadn't like her.
I suspect it is all down to the mother and jealousy about the grammar school might be the reason however it seems to have been going on a lot longer than the offer of a place there so who knows.
Personally I wouldn't have been able to help myself confronting the mother well before now.

Nanny0gg · 31/10/2018 13:41

Two thoughts - the problem is with you not your daughter and also, if the other mums think it's awful and are cross on your behalf, why haven't they said something to her?

Original poster

twosoups1972 · 31/10/2018 13:53

nanny I think they're a bit scared of her, she's not an easy person to get on with and can be quite demanding.

OP posts:

IamtheMistressofmyFate · 31/10/2018 16:08

I'm assuming OP's DD is brighter than the other girls

because she goes to a grammar? Not necessarily brighter. The county we lived in when DD was in Year 6 bordered a grammar school county and we were in the catchment. Some people chose to let their kids sit the 11+ whilst others went to the outstanding comp which was on our doorstep. Bright kids at both schools, no need for jealousy.

Ellisandra · 31/10/2018 16:18

Sounds more like the two girls have grown apart.
My 10yo has people that she seems to be with a lot - but it’s purely because they’re part of a group. Not unusual not to be invited to a birthday party. The groups still regularly shift around. Not wholesale changes, but an extra one here, one less there. I wouldn’t be convinced that B’s mum was mean giving cuddly toys to 4/5 girls - because it could be that B had barely mentioned your child for ages. So it wasn’t A excluded from C,D,E - but A just another of F,G,H etc...

Whatever went on at primary, she’s at a different school now - it’s not at all odd that B hasn’t invited her to a birthday party. B clearly just doesn’t see your daughter as a close friend as she once did. It’s normal.

anniehm · 31/10/2018 17:20

What you don't know is what this girl says to her mum in private - the mum of course should have insisted that her daughter reciprocated on play dates etc but she may not have realised at first, by 11 I certainly wasn't arranging my kids play dates, party invites etc so wouldn't have picked up on this. Presented like this it seems really bad but it really is up to them who they are friends with at 11/12!

Cherries101 · 31/10/2018 17:24

I assume B’s mom feels less capable as a parent because your dd got to grammar and hers didn’t. It does happen a lot, especially in areas where every parent wants to send their kids to the grammar. I suggest you slowly start focussing on improving her friendships with the kids she goes to school with. Those are the friendships that will probably be cultivated for life.

EenyMeenyMo · 31/10/2018 17:35

Presumably you see B's mum around (or used to) - what was her attitude like to you?
Is it possible she just thinks the 3 girls are close friends and your DD is on the periphery? I assume when she bought cuddly toys etc it was just for the 3 of them and not for all girls in the class bar your DD?
i think its up to DD whether she wants to let the friendship drop- if she wants to invite B to stuff without a reciprocal invite then its up to her- she is getting to an age where she could ask B directly why she wasn't invited

Oblomov18 · 31/10/2018 18:40

I don't think the grammar school is the issue here.
Girl B didn't invite/reciprocate dd, back in Year 4.

Thisreallyisafarce · 31/10/2018 18:51

Some people come across as really entitled on their child's behalf; as in, 'how dare such and such exclude my child!'

It is up to the host who comes to their house. It is up to the child who she wants to invite to her party. This isn't 'bullying', it's just a changing friendship group. Totally normal.

user1484424013 · 31/10/2018 19:36

Life is too short and she is your baby. Send that bitch a message. Don't apologise.be brutal and honest and then block her on absolutely everything and just tell your daughter the truth. I've had to tell my then 9 year old her daddy has advanced stage cancer and she has taken it on the chin. If your daughter struggles with being told this have a plan in place to invite her old friends and some new friends to a Christmas movie party and distract her with prep for this. Works like a fucking treat. Exscuse my language I have a baby on my wrist and I've had to type about 10 times and it's easier with my word log to type apology rather than try and keep correcting the word ducking xx

Thisreallyisafarce · 31/10/2018 19:52

Life is too short and she is your baby. Send that bitch a message. Don't apologise.be brutal and honest and then block her on absolutely everything and just tell your daughter the truth.

This is how you teach grotesque overreaction.

Taylor22 · 31/10/2018 20:03

This is not bullying. This is not consistent exclusion. They don't want to be friends.

Just tell your DD that this is not a friendship that has lasted and she now needs to put herself out there in her new school and find the people who could really be her best friends for decades.

But not wanting to be her friend does not make the others the devil incarnate. I don't like people. I avoid them and I wouldn't socialise. That's human nature.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 31/10/2018 20:16

I think the likelihood is that B and B’s mum only see your dd as a periphery friend rather than one of the group of 4. I imagine B doesn’t get on as well with your dd for whatever reason.
I could potentially be B’s mum tbh. My dd is in a group of sometimes 5 sometimes 4 friends but there is one of them I wouldn’t go out of my way to arrange anything with. The reason being that she is sometimes plain horrible to my dd for no reason which I’ve seen enough times for myself. The other friends aren’t like this so it’s just the girl who is unkind that doesn’t get invited to stuff by me. Sometimes children are excluded because they aren’t that nice to people.

RedSkyLastNight · 31/10/2018 20:27

At age 12, surely the girls themselves organise their own social events mostly? or if they don't now it won't be too long. Does B actually keep in touch with your DD? I really wonder if this is a case I'd DD thinking B is a better friend than B does.

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