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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's really mean to exclude dd like this?

96 replies

twosoups1972 · 31/10/2018 10:17

Dd is 11, just started Year 7.

She was enormously happy at her primary school, was in a lovely class and was friendly with everyone but particularly so with 4 other girls. They were a close group of friends and had regular playdates in various combinations.

The mum of one of these girls (let's call her B) seemed to take a dislike to my dd as time went on. Dd was never invited to B's house in spite of B coming to us countless times. When they went on a residential in Year 5, B's mum bought small cuddly toys for her dd and the other girls but not my dd which obviously caused dd a lot of upset. On the last day of Year 6, all the children and parents went to the park after school. I later found out that B had invited the other girls back to her house after the park but not my dd.

They have gone to different secondary schools - two of them to one school, two to another and my dd to a third school. Dd is settling in well and making new friends at school but loves her primary school friends and wants to stay in touch.

One of the girls turned 12 in September and had a party to which dd and the others were invited. B's birthday is in a few weeks' time and I have found out from the other mums that dd hasn't been invited but the other girls are.

This is incredibly mean, right? Dd's birthday is in Feb and I know she will want to invite B. It hasn't dawned on her yet about B's upcoming birthday but I guess she will realise soon enough. The other mums think it's awful and are cross on my behalf.

I really want to say something to B's mum but not sure if I should.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 31/10/2018 11:37

I would also talk to Dr about friendships, and the fact that she is no longer friends with B. To hold her head up high and walk away. That she should not purse friendships that are one sided.

RB68 · 31/10/2018 11:50

It is a time of change and we had similar issues but i just let the friendship drift. My DD is incredibly loyal and I love that abut her but I have found the way she has been treated by some to be cruel but left her to deal, she now has a new group of friends and things ebb and flow a bit - yr 9 now and they have a solid little group that seems to adopt waifs and strays which I think is really sweet - they stay for a while, move on etc but some stick and stay.

Rudgie47 · 31/10/2018 11:58

I'd say its B that's saying things to her mum so the Mum has responded by not wanting to be involved with your daughter.
What I'd be saying to your DD is that friends come and go in life and you don't always have reasons or closure to endings etc. Some people also just wont like you even if you have done nothing wrong its a fact of life.
Your daughter needs to forget about B and her Mum and just move on.They don't want her they have made it clear. Don't be having a confrontation or anything like that, it will make you look silly and desperate.
Leave it and encourage your daughter to build more friends are her new school. It wont be long before all primary school friends fade anyway.

SilverLining10 · 31/10/2018 12:01

I think you have a right to know why your dd was treated this way. The time might have passed , but it seems like it's still carrying on because of this upcoming sleepover.

Isnt consistent exclusion regarding as bullying? I would want to know why another adult is bullying my child. The fact that the other mothers also feel this isnt right, means that your concerns are very valid.

Even if nothing comes of it by addressing it with her, at least she will know that you are on to her.

Powerless · 31/10/2018 12:01

Ignore the posters telling you to drop it. Why should they get away with breaking your little girl's heart????? I'd be hopping mad. We would already have had it out at the first exclusion.

NOBODY genuinely upsets my child and just gets away with it without a single word said. Nope! My little girl needs to know her Mummy has got her back and will defend her and is there for her!!!

Rudgie47 · 31/10/2018 12:07

@Powerless. If OP confronts Bs Mum do you think she will get a genuine honest answer? I don't the mum will either roll her eyes, ignore her or say she doesn't know what she is on about.
People rarely respond well to being called out on anything.

Veganfortheanimals · 31/10/2018 12:07

Cut the other out of any sleepovers /parties...do you not think if the other girl wanted your dd there she would say so to her mum..it's not even really an issue as they are all separate schools now..

spanishwife · 31/10/2018 12:09

If she's at a girls grammar then it won't be the first time she experiences something like this.

Havaina · 31/10/2018 12:09

What's done is done but it's certainly time to stop inviting B to your dd's birthday party and any other sleepovers etc.

Powerless · 31/10/2018 12:10

And?! @Rudgie47 Her reaction is hardly important! Being called out on it embarrasses the mother in question and sets an example to the kids to not be walked over

Sirzy · 31/10/2018 12:15

I don’t think parents trying to force friendships, especially not at this age, does anything to help anyone!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/10/2018 12:18

@powerless and what happens if your daughter doesn't want someone she plays with but doesnt view as a close friend over and her mum gets upset

Aeroflotgirl · 31/10/2018 12:19

Whatever the reason, it is very hurtful for your dd, but it is a fact of life that sometimes it happens within a group of friends. Encourage dd not to keep flogging a dead horse, to hold her head up and to value herself. For whatever reason, this girl does not want to be your dd friend, no more inviting the girl to dd parties and sleepovers. Just concentrate on the others that do want to be your dd friend, that is good enough.

RedSkyLastNight · 31/10/2018 12:21

If they don't go to the same schools how frequently are they seeing each other /in touch? Does DD have any contact with B (social media?)

I think excluding DD was an issue at primary school, but not inviting someone you're not at the same school with, and don't like, just because you have friends in common, really isn't.

gothefcktosleep · 31/10/2018 12:27

I had a friends mum dislike me when I was in primary school. I remember mentioning her side eye to another friend who then confirmed that the mother always gave me a little condescending look when I visited - which was a lot (every day after school for years).

I was an overweight child, but incredibly well behaved and polite. I assumed it was probably because of my size the mother wasn’t keen on me. And indeed, I never got invited to her birthday parties. I was never hurt, just a little bemused ultimately. I didnt think she was particularly warm or wonderful so I shrugged it off. Hope your daughter can do the same.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/10/2018 12:30

I would ask dd if she knows when it is B birthday and does she think she will be invited to her part considering she has not been invited since Yr4. She might know already, that is a good time to have a conversation about friendships, and how they sometimes pan out.

Mirali · 31/10/2018 12:36

It'll probably be a stupid reason like her deciding you are snobs for sending your dd to the grammar or something.

MissingSummer · 31/10/2018 12:37

I thinkSpanishwife hit the nail on the head.

Maybe the mum is unkind, maybe B doesn't like your DD as much as the other girls, or maybe your DD once said something unkind to B that the mum took umbrage with and has tried to punish your DD ever since... Who knows, but either way, it does feel like it's perhaps pointless trying to pursue the friendship if the mum seems so vehemently against it. Plus your DD will soon be making new friends at her new school.

SaucyJack · 31/10/2018 12:41

“Being called out on it embarrasses the mother in question”

Not necessarily. No one can guarantee their child always behaves like a saint, and that every other kid would naturally want to be their best pal- given the choice.

Even if it’s a petty dislike, it still might be more embarrassing for the OP than the other Mum to listen to a long list of her child’s perceived flaws.

It’s always best in life to focus on those who do like you and are happy to make that clear, than to waste time chasing around after those who are just not that into you.

SaucyJack · 31/10/2018 12:43

Never ask someone what their problem is- unless you’re prepared to hear the answer, basically.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/10/2018 12:47

Tbh, as soon as this girl was not inviting your dd, I would have stopped inviting hers, not tit for tat, but obviously they are not friends anymore. Why pursue flogging a dead horse over the years.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/10/2018 12:49

Exactly @SaucyJack. How would it make anyone feel any better to know that child B doesn't like your child (which is the most likely scenario) as much as your child likes B. There are no winners. You just explain gently that you can be mates without being besties, that you can't go to everything and most importantly you can't make someone like you as much as you want them to.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/10/2018 12:49

Put that friendship to bed now, it has been over long ago, and keep in touch with the others that are friends with dd. Invite them to dd party, not B, sleepovers and to dd house.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/10/2018 12:56

Tell your dd that if she sees B at one of the friend's sleepover or party, just be polite and remember, she is not her friend anymore.

IamtheMistressofmyFate · 31/10/2018 12:58

a grammar school. I did wonder if jealously played a part

you've just lost my sympathy there, OP.

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