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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Gender reassignment in a relationship

114 replies

Kittycuddles · 30/10/2018 21:51

Okai.

So slightly controversial topic I know.

Me and my dp were chatting and got on to the subject of, if one person in a relationship was to 'change' gender, whether dressing up in opposite gender clothes, full surgery or just self iD'ing.

And I guess my aibu is that we both had different views. I guess the two options of thoughts are some people may think that they would still love someone if they 'changed cause it's not their body that they love, but them. Whilst others may think that they don't have a need to love them maybe? Because they are not 'gay

And this leaves me really confused. He said he would leave me (jokingly) and it had me wondering, would others dp's really say that and MEAN it?

I think I'm lucky enough that he wouldn't leave me because he knows he loves ME for ME.

But what do you lot think? Mn's vote. Is this reasonable to leave a partner for this and would you or your dp?

Or is is unreasonable to think they may still love you and see the other persons point of view?

OP posts:

mindutopia · 31/10/2018 10:56

I think this is one of those things that it's really difficult to know how you would feel and react until you've been through it. No one knows how complex such a situation is in and how it will affect your feelings towards the person you love in a hypothetical sense.

I have friends who went through it (male partner transitioning M to F). They are queer, very much already engaged in the LGBTQ community, have lots of trans friends, etc. So it wasn't a 'weird' thing for them in that sense, they'd known friends who had transitioning, generally considering themselves fairly non-binary, already had an open relationship. But it was hard. It very much changed the dynamic of their lives. They divorced last year. I don't know why specifically, though I do know that my friend's partner (who transitioned) did seem to start up a relationship with someone else quite soon after, so I suspect perhaps it was infidelity related (despite having an open relationship) more than anything. They loved each other deeply, even post-divorce, but it just wasn't enough to keep them together.

That said, I can't imagine being with anyone but my dh. I truly find other men gross and could not imagine wanting to be with them instead - even if he decided to become a woman. I just couldn't wrap my head around leaving him unless there was violence or infidelity. I have no idea what he'd feel about me if the shoes were on the other feet though. I suspect we would both feel sad if we weren't sexually attracted to the other anymore.

FishCanFly · 31/10/2018 11:12

if he goes full op - the it might be lesbian at a push.
Crossdressing/fake tits - still male.

Original poster

Kittycuddles · 31/10/2018 11:55

@butchy

Sorry what I meant is like genderfluidity of choosing to name yourself genderwise, to what you dress as. But erstwhile not ACTUALLY really believing it.

Like people who say they are bi curious for the heck of it cause everyone else says it too but don't actually WANT to fuck someone of the same gender.

OP posts:

ButchyRestingFace · 31/10/2018 12:06

But some are suggesting they wouldn't be into it because they don't fancy women... so not that they don't fancy this new man, but that they don't fancy women.

Yes, I noticed that some ppl who were seemingly GC at the same time saying they wouldn’t fancy their partner anymore because they had become a woman (suggesting that they do think switching gender/sex is possible).

jellyfrizz · 31/10/2018 12:28

Wait, what? Hormones can change your sexual orientation??

I did a WTF at this too.

AngelsSins · 31/10/2018 13:48

I’d be off like a shot. Partly because I think the vast majority of men who like to dress up as women look laughable and not remotely attractive, and secondly because I’d find it deeply offensive that he thought he could pop on a dress and suddenly be a woman.

I also find men with a fetish (if this is what it was) are often incredibly selfish and expect their partners to take part in their fantasies without even considering as to if she’s into it or not. Nothing about it would align with what I want in my life, so it would be pointless to stay.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 31/10/2018 13:50

My best understanding is that it depends whether what you're attracted to is rooted in gendered characteristics, or in sameness-or-difference between yourself and your partner.

I know you could never prove that someone wasn't simply recognising a sexuality they'd always subconsciously had, but from what people say, I don't think it's invariably that.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 31/10/2018 13:52

(Btw, rat, this isn't invariably about people 'curing' sexual orientations or becoming non-gay. I know someone who was attracted to men pre-transition and women post-transition, and who is M to F.)

drspouse · 31/10/2018 14:04

I know you could never prove that someone wasn't simply recognising a sexuality they'd always subconsciously had, but from what people say, I don't think it's invariably that.
From what I've read, it doesn't seem like people often change their sexuality when they change their gender i.e. a man who is married to a woman but decides to use a female name and dress more femininely will still be attracted to women.
So it's not quite the same as a man who's married to a woman and has never had a male partner, splitting up with her and getting together with a man.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 31/10/2018 14:05

No, I agree it isn't the same as that.

It's interesting, though.

drspouse · 31/10/2018 14:05

Oh sorry cross-posted.
Do you get the feeling they were actually attracted to both men and women all along?

drspouse · 31/10/2018 14:07

Xpost again! I mean the person in your other post.

Sparklesocks · 31/10/2018 14:14

I know a woman (M) who is married to another woman (J), but her wife was born a man and transitioned a few years ago. There were married before she transitioned.
M says it’s been challenging at times but she loves J and they’re very happy. It wasn’t really a surprise, J had always told her she didn’t feel happy or ‘herself’ in her male body and she wore woman’s clothes and make up at home and on holiday abroad. She was held back from fully transitioning because she’s from a traditional family with quite typical gender roles and felt that they would disown her.
A few years ago she came out and although quite surprised and uncertain her family have accepted J and she now lives openly as a woman. Occasionally they call her by her old name but are quick to correct themselves. J is on hormones now and is waiting for her surgery.
I think it depends on the individual and the relationship but it is possible.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 31/10/2018 14:16

I don't know, and don't know them well enough to probe much, though I've heard them say definitely not. I wonder if it's a little like some lesbian couples - you know how there are some people who are very invested in (say) identifying as femme or butch, and others who will switch about in relation to their partner? I am not sure that comparison works exactly, though. I think in general, we don't know enough about how people actually feel when they talk about attraction and sexuality because it is so complicated, and we're all different.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 31/10/2018 14:18

(Incidentally, and this is totally off-topic and I am only squeezing it in because it makes me grin, the butch/femme thing is true of one of Anne Lister's long-term lovers. With other people this woman was a 'jack' and her former lover accidentally let slip to Anne that she assumed Anne was the 'wife' in the relationship. Anne was outraged and quickly set her straight. )

thereallochnessmonster · 31/10/2018 14:25

Ha, I'm 100% sure if I decided to change sex Dh would leave me. And vice versa.

Living with a woman is not what I want or what I signed up for.

breastfeedingclownfish · 31/10/2018 14:25

Nope. Total dealbreaker.

FuzzyShadowChatter · 31/10/2018 14:36

*Wait, what? Hormones can change your sexual orientation??

I'm pretty sure that's not true. I mean the idea that sexual orientation can be cured changed with a chemical substance is... well.... I mean I'm just pretty sure that's not true.*

This has been discussed a lot and common knowledge within certain circles. I've heard it before that it's like going through puberty again and a person's sexuality can shift and some describe it as being utterly obliterlated and rebuilt. I know people who have been in both, some found it very frustration, some quite upsetting as they weren't informed of that possibility. It's like the evidence that women find different men attractive in different parts of our cycle or when on hormonal contraceptives - hormone treatment for gender is at a far higher level so it's not really surprising even if not politically or personally comfortable for many. It isn't reliable or a 'cure', we can't say with any certainty how it will affect individuals, but yeah - sexuality can be affected as is personality and the body. Hormones are powerful, have to be to do their job, and there are still a lot of questions of their interactions with the rest of the body.

Purpleartichoke · 31/10/2018 14:36

If my husband wanted to dress differently, I could probably get past that. I don’t have to love everything he wears even if he stays within stereotypical male attire.

Wanting to take hormones or modify his body would present a bigger issue. He and I both find any kind of body modification that isn’t absolutely required pretty off-putting. I think it is because both of us have had to face so many health problems and have had no choice about surgery. I might be able to accept this, I might not.

If at any point he declared that he was actually a woman, I would probably throw his belongings out on the street. I have suffered because of my female body. I grew our child and dealt with hyperemesis for 9 months. That he could declare himself a woman after watching me go through that would be so offensive, I would never forgive him.

Jolonglegs · 31/10/2018 14:45

I had an affair with a woman when much younger, but I'm now living happily with my male partner in a loving and fulfilling relationship. I'm not sure how I would feel if he decided to start presenting as a woman and had full gender re-assignment. I enjoyed the sex with my female partner, but would it be the same with DP as a woman? I don't really want to think about it.
I feel sorry for those women who are having to go through this, and hope that MN can provide some solace. One thing that puzzles me is why there seems to be so many men now going though this? I read somewhere that there is an increasing amount of estrogen in our rivers causing male fish to become female. Could that be part of the answer?

TheNavigator · 31/10/2018 14:47

The only trangender person I know is M to F, they started M with a girlfriend but on transitioning to F (hormones but not surgery) have started dating men. I don't know if hormones influenced their sexuality or what - their take is they were hetero as a man & are hetero as a woman. Who knows?

I don't think our marriage would survive one of us transitioning, but I hope we could stay friends and co parent.

Lemondrizzlecake1 · 31/10/2018 14:56

I wouldn’t stay if my husband decided he wanted to be a woman, I’m straight not bi, I married a man not a woman, it’s quite simple.

cabingirl · 31/10/2018 15:01

Here's an interesting and thoughtful account from a couple who went through this.

www.yesandyes.org/2017/02/trans-husband.html

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 31/10/2018 16:39

I don't believe my dh would be a woman

But i like a tit free chest

And penis, well like might be a bit stong but id prefer it to a vagina

tenorladybeaker · 31/10/2018 17:18

I do find it quite interesting that on this thread a lot of women are saying that the reason their relationship would be over is because they don't fancy women. Are we saying that transwomen are women after all?

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