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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Gender reassignment in a relationship

114 replies

Kittycuddles · 30/10/2018 21:51

Okai.

So slightly controversial topic I know.

Me and my dp were chatting and got on to the subject of, if one person in a relationship was to 'change' gender, whether dressing up in opposite gender clothes, full surgery or just self iD'ing.

And I guess my aibu is that we both had different views. I guess the two options of thoughts are some people may think that they would still love someone if they 'changed cause it's not their body that they love, but them. Whilst others may think that they don't have a need to love them maybe? Because they are not 'gay

And this leaves me really confused. He said he would leave me (jokingly) and it had me wondering, would others dp's really say that and MEAN it?

I think I'm lucky enough that he wouldn't leave me because he knows he loves ME for ME.

But what do you lot think? Mn's vote. Is this reasonable to leave a partner for this and would you or your dp?

Or is is unreasonable to think they may still love you and see the other persons point of view?

OP posts:

OpinionCat · 31/10/2018 06:33

I would probably end the relationship too. I'm attracted to men, not women.

Anyone who says they're with their partner purely for their personality and with no attraction to their appearance at all is lying. We are sexual beings and it's a massive factor of our lives.

EdisonLightBulb · 31/10/2018 06:44

Wouldn't work for me, I would potentially still love him and want remain friends but that would be it. we would not remain living together or sharing a life.

WhoWants2Know · 31/10/2018 06:44

I think I would probably leave, because it's a big change from the initial circumstances of the relationship. For me it's not about the attraction, but about being unable to relate to that set of feelings or beliefs. It would be similar if a partner suddenly became devout in a different religion or heavily active in a very different political party.

aurynne · 31/10/2018 06:48

If my DH wanted to wear dresses and bras I would just find it ridiculous, but it would be his choice. No idea whether or not I'd leave him, it would all depend on whether I would still find him attractive, which for me is a crucial part of being a couple.

If my DH said he was really a woman then I would definitely leave him, because I don't fancy men who turn into women. I don't find them sexually arousing at all. And then he/she would not be the same person I married.

Blanchedupetitpois · 31/10/2018 06:51

I can understand why it would cause some couples to break up. It’s a big life change, and it may not be something one’s partner feels able to support you through. Lots of couples break up when there is a major upheaval (like one person abandoning or committing to a religion, becoming chronically ill or disabled, coming out as bisexual or pansexual, losing a job). While none of these situations are the same as gender reassignment, I think it shows that for some couples simply loving the person for who they are isn’t enough.

That said, it wouldn’t make me leave my husband and it wouldn’t make him leave me either. We’ve talked about it before (just idly like you and your DP) and both agree that it wouldn’t stop us loving each other and wanting to be together.

TurkeyBear · 31/10/2018 06:51

OP I 100% guarantee you that your OH would leave you. Are you really that naïve to think he wouldn't? He loves you for you, and your lady parts, but assuming you'd be a ftm trans then I'm pretty confident he wouldn't suddenly love your forearm cock, would grieve for the loss of his partner and future life he had mapped out... and eventually would leave.

ButchyRestingFace · 31/10/2018 06:55

I think I'm lucky enough that he wouldn't leave me because he knows he loves ME for ME.

Do you think the people that do leave their partners after a GA, didn't "love THEM for THEM"?

OzzyMadBat · 31/10/2018 06:57

Completely reasonable to leave.
Personally it would depend upon whether the need to crossdress was a fetish, AGP, and could be fulfilled at home without the validation in public or whether full transition, name change, surgery was on the cards. Banding transvestism and transsexuality under the same umbrella as transgender has made making such a distinction unreasonable to some and certainly, from the trans widows threads, even if you were originally cross-dressing often there is then a need to have that persona validated outside and leading to transitioning.
I could accommodate a fetish, if it did not become the overruling kink, but I couldn't accommodate a complete change of identity.

ElspethFlashman · 31/10/2018 06:58

I'd be off.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 31/10/2018 07:00

It would be the end of our relationship and I would leave. I don't think I could remain friends either as I would feel I'd been lied to for over 20 years.

Notacluewhatthisis · 31/10/2018 07:11

You see I believe in marriage. I liked being married. I am divorced and wouldn't marry again, because I don't agree with the vows. Maybe you can change them.

For better or for worse etc is unrealistic. It really depends on what the worse is. We are all lead to believe that love means our partners should always want to be with us regardless of how we change and that's bullshit.

If you change the fundamental basis of a relationship, the other person doesn't have to stay. The other persons world is changed too and they have every right to move forward from that in a way that is right for them. We have no right to change our relationship at a basic level and then demand the other person must put up with it and if they don't it means they don't love us.

If my dp decided he wanted to present as a woman, I wouldn't want to be with him. I want to be with a man. I have a right to be straight. I have the right not to be with someone who presents as a woman.

Plus which, while I think people can dress and present how they want, I don't agree that presenting as a woman makes you a woman. So eventually our core thoughts and feelings would clash on a fundamental level.

MQv2 · 31/10/2018 07:17

"Currently the law only allows a marriage to survive one party transitioning and getting a GRC if both parties agree they want to stay married. I think this is right, as such a revolutionary change could well be a deal breaker for many people. There is a route for annulment "

That's really interesting.
Does that mean that you could also potentially use self ID to protect assets.
Identify as the other gender, state you no longer want the marriage to continue and then dissolve it by way of annulment rather than divorce

Jaxtellerswife · 31/10/2018 07:21

I would leave. Partly because I'm not attracted to women and partly because I strongly suspect he would look great and better than me every day probably without trying

MsAwesomeDragon · 31/10/2018 07:22

Dh's friend changed gender while in a relationship. At first he was just wearing women's clothes at home, she was ok with that and even found it a bit of fun in their sex life.

Then he wanted to wear women's clothes to go out in. Again she was fine with that, so he would go on nights out dressed as "Jane".

Then he decided he would like to be "Jane" all the time. He introduced the idea to his young adult children, who were rather horrified at first but came round to the idea. His partner tried to be ok with now being in a relationship with "Jane", as she's bisexual she can fancy a woman as much as a man.

Then his personality changed completely as he "developed his feminine side". Living full time as a woman apparently involved dressing like she's going on a night out all the time. Jane wears clothing that is designed for teenagers, not anybody in their 50s. Jane also has a massive amount of make up, has her hair and nails done very regularly, spends a ridiculous amount of money on beauty treatments. The couple were still together, but they started doing a lot of drugs on nights out.

Then they split up. Jane says she doesn't know why. The ex-girlfriend says of course Jane knows why, it's because she fell in love with a gentle, kind man and was now supposed to love a self-obsessed, selfish (as Jane is spending all their money on appearance and drugs), woman (who still has a male body). Literally as Jane got happier, the girlfriend became more and more miserable and ground down.

Jane is now single, still dressing like a teenage girl (when she has 20 something daughters who dress in jeans and jumpers most of the time), has stopped the drugs apparently, has abandoned old friends for new ones in the transgender community, and is saving up for breast surgery. She has no intention of ever having bottom surgery, she quite likes her penis.

The ex-girlfriend is now happily single, dating (both men and women), and has nothing to do with Jane. She used to be vocal about transgender rights, but now is openly gender critical, because she's experienced first hand how transitioning affects everyone else.

jellyfrizz · 31/10/2018 07:29

If I told him I was a man, he may still love me as a person, but the attraction to me as a woman would no longer be there because I wouldn't BE a woman.

If you literally only told him you were a man and changed nothing else?

CS12345 · 31/10/2018 07:31

I'd leave. I couldn't respect a man who believed that there was such a thing as being able to change sex or that gender was anything other than a social construct anyway.

RatUnholyRolyPoly · 31/10/2018 07:44

My ex (the father of my children) says he would stay with me, no doubt. To be fair though he really doesn't want to be my ex. I reckon he's telling the truth.

Would I have stayed with him? Funnily my ex husband had a thing for cross dressing, and I was surprised how much I didn't like it. But he was a massive sneaky creep about it; I don't think that's the same as being upfront and genuine about how they feel about themselves. If it were cross dressing, well I already know I'm not into that as kinks go. Actual transition? Not having any experience of this, I certainly don't think it would definitely be curtains. I guess we'd have to roll with the punches and see how we felt at the end of it.

HellenaHandbasket · 31/10/2018 07:47

I might still love my husband were he decide to start dressing as a woman, but I wouldn't want to stay married to him. But I am a raging terf according to some of my more 'woke' friends.

RatUnholyRolyPoly · 31/10/2018 07:47

*ex husband and father of my dc are different people, or that doesn't make any sense!

MenstruatorExtraordinaire · 31/10/2018 07:55

I'd be off.

I like my men to be 100% male men.

My husband is and would look completely ridiculous in women's clothing.

BrickByBrick · 31/10/2018 07:56

I would leave, the 'love me for me' rhetoric seems a bit bullish in this situation, almost i can do anything and you still have to love me.

But fundamentally he would be a different person, and so I would go.

Alaaya · 31/10/2018 08:03

ohello - that is a mad and sweeping set of generalisations and not my experience of a partner going through transition at all.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 31/10/2018 08:08

I'd leave.

I don't think it's about 'reasonable' or 'unreasonable' either. I know someone whose transitioned and is still very happily married; I also know someone who went into a relationship being very open about the possibility she'd transition and their relationship still didn't survive. You can't know.

It also matters that hormones can change how someone relates, including the gender to whom they feel attracted. So it's not just about the person who doesn't transition negotiating a 'new' orientation.

nononsene · 31/10/2018 08:10

If you had asked me this a year or so ago I would have said I would stay and see how things go.

After seeing a friend go through this and all the deceit, gaslighting, selfishness and abuse that seems to go with it then no it would be a total dealbreaker from me.

And from what I have read online, her experience is not unique.

McWilde · 31/10/2018 08:13

I'd be off, there's no way I could take DH pretending to be a woman seriously. He would have zero chance at passing, so would look ridiculous most of the time.

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