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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH disappointed

82 replies

jollyjester · 30/10/2018 21:45

It's DH birthday at the end of this week. He's been off work all week and I had a few days leave so I'm off too.

I booked a surprise night away in a hotel and planned some fun activities to do with the DC as its also half term. Told him about it tonight.

He's now sulking because he cant be bothered going away and apparently "no one asked him what he wanted to do" (not true I did and few weeks ago and he said nothing)

I now feel like shit cause I know he won't properly be enjoying himself but if I never organised anything he would never want to do anything.

AIBU to be pissed off that he's being so ungrateful?

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 30/10/2018 21:48

A few weeks ago is quite a long time I guess. However, he couldve spoken up if there was something he wanted to do couldn't he?!

I'd be delighted if my H organised a night away up. So yes, I think he is being ungrateful.

PegLegAntoine · 30/10/2018 21:48

But you asked, and he said nothing Confused why would you go against what he said? He didn’t want to do anything or he would have said. You’ve imposed your idea of a good birthday on him by the sound of it

KeepingTheWormsQuiet · 30/10/2018 21:48

I think it's best not to surprise people with things like this generally. I wouldn't want to be told where to go on a trip.

When you asked him did he answer "nothing" or did he say nothing in answer to your question? Maybe he really did want to just stay at home.

WhyAmISoCold · 30/10/2018 21:48

Leave him at home and take someone else. Ungrateful twat.

letsdolunch321 · 30/10/2018 21:50

Yup, ungrateful dick. I wouldleave him at home with the kids and enjoy the hotel stay

Aus84 · 30/10/2018 21:53

Every year my DH and family ask what I want to do for my birthday. I say I want a sleep in and a chill day with nothing to do and a quiet night in front of the TV. Every year DH wakes me up early with breakfast in bed and hangs around me all day enthusiastically asking me what I want to do today. My parents organise a dinner out with all the family.

They mean well, but my birthday is all about pleasing everyone else (which is basically what I do everyday) and it’s exhausting.

Original poster
jollyjester · 30/10/2018 21:55

PegLeg if I never suggest or organise anything he doesn't and I wanted to have some activities with the DC that didn't involve sitting watching tv.

OP posts:
Original poster
jollyjester · 30/10/2018 22:05

Aus84 totally understand where you are coming from but he gets plenty of time to do as he pleases.

I do majority of housework and DC care and organisation.

I'm just pissed of I've wasted money and leave now.

OP posts:
JessicaJonesJacket · 30/10/2018 22:25

Well if he wants to do nothing, can your gift to him be an empty house where he does 'nothing' whilst you and the DCs go away and have fun?

I don't think it's UR to be disappointed. I'm hoping your DH isn't one of those people who steals the sunshine from everything and makes every holiday/birthday a stress.

BestZebbie · 30/10/2018 22:26

If he wouldn't ever do anything it might be that he just doesn't actually like or see value in doing things.
So by all means arrange things to happen anyway, for the sake of you and the DCs, and have his presence required at some of them as his contribution to family life, but don't dress it up as his birthday present!

LellyMcKelly · 30/10/2018 22:27

Go by yourself. Have a lovely time and let him stay at home with the kids.

Lethaldrizzle · 30/10/2018 22:29

What a cock

bridgetreilly · 30/10/2018 22:32

There's a difference between 'he never does anything if I don't organise it' and 'he wants me to organise surprises for him'. I think he should go and suck it up this time, but in future, OP, I wouldn't do things as a 'surprise'. Suggest it and offer to organise it, but don't spring it on him. Because surprises are THE WORST. I promise you. Even 'nice' ones.

UpstartCrow · 30/10/2018 22:38

Check out any 'I was disappointed by my present' thread and see the OP being told they are ungrateful and should suck it up...

SassitudeandSparkle · 30/10/2018 22:40

OP, you've booked something you know he doesn't like for his birthday - it's not a surprise he's not happy, unfortunately. It may very well be something that you and the children would love, but as Zebbie said don't call it his birthday present when you know he hates that kind of thing!

Graphista · 30/10/2018 22:52

"if I never suggest or organise anything he doesn't and I wanted to have some activities with the DC that didn't involve sitting watching tv."

YOU wanted! It's HIS birthday it's not up to YOU what he WANTS to do!

What's the rest of his year like? Does he work hard? Does he pull his weight at home? I'm guessing yes as otherwise you wouldn't be that fussed either.

Surprise shit is NEVER about the person the surprise is SUPPOSEDLY for its ALWAYS grandstanding by the person organising it's an ego boost for them. "What a great wife/partner/sister/friend/DC I am and everyone knows cos I've had to tell people to organise it - bonus!"

WHY would you organise something you KNOW he wouldn't like?

Ahhh but now you're claiming he doesn't pull his weight which suits your martyr presentation.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/10/2018 23:01

Sorry but YANBU - as PP have said, it's his birthday and you have organised something that will be enjoyable for you and DC but not for him. By all means organise events for you and DC, but don't try to sell them to him as stuff that's a special treat for him when it clearly isn't.

HeddaGarbled · 30/10/2018 23:08

You organised something for you and the children and then pretended it was his birthday treat when you knew he didn’t want to do it.

It’s totally reasonable for you to be pissed off that he never wants to do anything with you and the children. And you do need to have a conversation about this.

But you are being unreasonable on this particular occasion.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 30/10/2018 23:16

IMO it's a common cause of complaint, for family members to organise the kind of birthday 'treats' or parties they think the person ought to want, rather than what they do actually want. Which may well be P and Q and a minimum of fuss. But that can't be allowed, because it's 'boring'.

I'm sure you meant well, OP, but maybe listen to your dh next time.

Miscible · 30/10/2018 23:39

YANBU. When you've obviously gone to some trouble to organise a treat for him, the least he can do is accept it with good grace. Apart from anything else, if he ditches the negativity he'll probably find he thoroughly enjoys it.

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 30/10/2018 23:48

Many years ago my dh arranged a surprise weekend away for a wedding anniversary. Even arranged for his parents to babysit our 2 very young children.

Thankfully he told me a few days before as I didn't want to go, hadn't tidied the house and didn't want to leave two very young children for the first time without being ready/have time to prepare myself for. (I was still bf the youngest at night anyway). I would have worried about them the whole weekend and not enjoyed it.

The weekend was cancelled.

It was a gift that was more for him than me, dressed up as a "here's a weekend away that you will like", but really it was a weekend away he would like.

We did go away properly a couple of years later for our 10th wedding anniversary. When the boys were older and I was happy to leave them, we went to an hotel we both chose.

You can still go away without him, buy/do something else for him.

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/10/2018 00:06

So leave the kids with him and go for a weekend on your own.

Seriously, do it. See how quickly he decides that actually he would like a weekend away after all...fucking sulky twat.

Topseyt · 31/10/2018 00:07

Don't organise surprises like this.

I would hate this. Thankfully my DH and my DDs know that I am a home buddy and have never tried to make me into the socialite that I am not.

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/10/2018 00:10

Since when did a night in a hotel as a couple and spending half term with your own kids make you a "socialite"?!

nocoolnamesleft · 31/10/2018 00:12

You planned something you knew he wouldn't want to do for his birthday, and now you're sulking that he doesn't want to do it? Nice.