DH disappointed

[jollyjester]

It's DH birthday at the end of this week. He's been off work all week and I had a few days leave so I'm off too.

I booked a surprise night away in a hotel and planned some fun activities to do with the DC as its also half term. Told him about it tonight.

He's now sulking because he cant be bothered going away and apparently "no one asked him what he wanted to do" (not true I did and few weeks ago and he said nothing)

I now feel like shit cause I know he won't properly be enjoying himself but if I never organised anything he would never want to do anything.

AIBU to be pissed off that he's being so ungrateful?

[Alfie190]

I would not like a surprise weekend treat. I would like to be involved in picking it and be able to prepare for it. I don't think this sounds like it was intended as a treat for the husband in any way, it was all about you. I think people that "surprise" others with treats are doing it for their own enjoyment more than anything else.

[gamerchick]

I would still go with the kids. They deserve some fun and it doesn't sound as if there would be much of that if it was left to him.

Then he can have peace and quiet to do nothing. Don't cancel or you'll end up feeling uncomfortable the whole night because he's threw it in your face. Give him the address and tell him to join you if he wants.

[SEsofty]

It’s not clear is the night away with the children or just the two of you

[canyouhearthedrums]

I don't get adults who need to make their birthday into a big thing. Unless you are terminally ill a birthday isn't an achievement as such. If you want to do certain things, organise and do them yourself. All this hand wringing and gut wrenching disappointment because your other half does not possess psychic abilities

[rainbowquack]

@canyouhearthedrums really? I love Little
Celebrations that break up the monotony of every day life.

[dontalltalkatonce]

I hate surprises, and especially surprises that I don't want. You dressed this up as a treat. I'd consider a treat getting away on my own for a few days. I'd be disappointed, too, and cancel it.

[RedSkyLastNight]

I would absolutely hate it if my DH booked a surprise weekend away and would react like OP's DH.
"Fortunately" DH knows that I would hate it and so wouldn't dream of doing it.

This falls into the category of the giver getting what they thought was a lovely, well thought out generous gift - whilst not actually realising that the recipient does not consider this to be the case at all.

MN is full of threads from women whose husbands bought something they thought they would like (there is a recent one about a towel) and bemoaning the fact that their husband knows them so little and they are so disappointed.
The fact that this is something that the recipient is "expected" to be grateful about is irrelevant. The fact that loads of people on this thread would love a surprise holiday is irrelevant. OP's DH doesn't want to do this, which gives him the choice of going and hating it, or saying up front that he'll hate it. Neither is a great choice (for him).

[FilledSoda]

I'm with your dh, I hate being surprised and wouldn't ' surprise' anyone else.

[KellyW88]

Whilst I appreciate that you went to such efforts and are feeling frustrated I don’t know that DH is being wholly unreasonable.

If I did this my DH would react the same because he very much enjoys having his time off be as simple and quiet as possible (it winds me up mind you because I do wonder what he thought being a Dad really meant before we had our twins!) but he was like that prior to DD and DS being born.

I’m a full time Mum and he goes out to work so it’s a different dynamic - I try to make it as easy for him as possible when off work - he mucks in with chores and looking after our little ones without having to be asked (he can’t keep away as he loves them so much haha) but doesn’t especially want to go anywhere out of the ordinary as it feels forced to him, if it’s his birthday and he feels he just wants to stay at home and watch some telly then that’s not so bad... HAVING said all that, if your DH is constantly like this and rarely participates in family outings or is a bit of a lazy bugger otherwise I can understand why you feel he’s being ungrateful (as in I understand you just want the family to be together doing something as a family and not just all at home like usual with Dad in front of the telly whilst you and the kids amuse yourselves).

I don’t know that threatening to go without him would have the desired effect, he’d probably jump at the chance to have a few days at home alone (I know mine would and has!) if he’s that much of a mard-arse about it I’d say focus on you and DC going and having a good time and let him be a boring fart at home... that’s just me though :’)

[dontalltalkatonce]

I had a boyfriend who surprised me with a weekend trip to Paris when I was about 18. I had zero desire to go to Paris. He then banged on and on and on about how romantic he was. He was a twat. I heard from others that about 20 years later he was still telling women about how he took his girlfriend to Paris.

Honestly, most of the time, these surprises are about the giver rather than the recipient.

[starrynitelight]

Hold on

You organised half term activities for the kids for his birthday treat????

Ooh YABU

[Lethaldrizzle]

I would love it if my dh did that as a birthday treat for me but then I love having mimi adventures with my family

[Akanamali]

I love surprise trips but wouldn't be happy if someone planned one after I'd told them I wanted to do nothing for my birthday.

He sounds boring and he should absolutely be taking part in family activities but I don't think his birthday is the best time to force this.

[Butterymuffin]

Just go with the kids then. Mr Fun Times can stay home and do nothing as he wants. Win win.

[RTFT]

In the last 5 years, I've surprised DP with surprise weekends away in Barcelona, Bruges, Prague, Palma and Malaga...and he loved every one of them!

It would annoy the fuck out of me if DP said he didn't want to do ANYTHING for his birthday, because I know for a fact if I did nothing he'd probably sulk

[canyouhearthedrums]

Rainbow I agree, but it's the way ordinary birthdays for adults have been made into a RBT (Really Big Thing) and the subsequent feelings of disappointment/anger/hurt when the other half hasn't made the day special enough/done the right thing. If you have something in mind you need to let people know.

[Branleuse]

I think its best to organise stuff like this for your own birthday, not his, especially if hes a boring person.
My dp is a homebody/introvert. He will do stuff with me for my birthday, but i would not expect him to want to celebrate his birthday the same way

[Lethaldrizzle]

If you just want to do nothing don't have kids

[Itsnotabingthingisit]

In the last 5 years, I've surprised DP with surprise weekends away in Barcelona, Bruges, Prague, Palma and Malaga...and he loved every one of them

Well aren't you amazing.

I bet by the third ' suprise' weekend away he wasn't even remotely suprised.

Are you quite sure these were not just weekends you wanted to go on, so you booked them as a ' suprise' for your husband?

Sounds like you basically took control of booking your holidays, and your husband hadn't the opportunity to have a say in where you were going.

[Margay]

I bet if OP didn't organise anything for his birthday he'd be moaning that she made no effort.

There’s no evidence for that at all. OP asked what he wanted, then did the opposite. He has every right to complain and doesn’t deserve to be slammed for something he hasn’t done!

[Seaweed42]

I have an OH just like this. Never wants to do anything, never suggests anything. If I suggest anything I get a 'maybe' or a 'reason' why we can't do it.
Last straw was I booked a fab hotel in January, on special offer for 3 days in July. Told him around March and he came up with a few 'reasons' why it was a stupid place to go. I cancelled it feeling like a mug for even dreaming up such a thing.
July comes around and he says 'We should go somewhere. We never go anywhere and we never do anything!' and implies it's my fault.
It's exasperating. You only get criticism you never ever get a suggestion.

[dontalltalkatonce]

We don't have any evidence he'd sulk or be like your OH, Seaweed. Some people really aren't bothered about their birthday. Just bat it back at him, Seaweed. 'Well, I tried to make plans to go somewhere but you weren't happy about it so if you want to go away you plan it.'

[HollowTalk]

Blimey, some posters can really get offended at anything!

[dontalltalkatonce]

It's not about getting offended, it's about having something imposed on you that you don't want under the guise of a gift by your nearest and dearest when you've already told them you didn't want anything.

[BewareOfDragons]

It sounds like everything is already all about him: you work, too, but still do most of the house stuff and childcare and organising. If you didn't , he'd only be watching television with the kids acc to you.

That's just not on generally.

I don't blame you for trying to celebrate his birthday with the children by actually doing something! And I would tell him you're fed up with his failure to participate in the family generally, and things must change.