Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH disappointed

82 replies

jollyjester · 30/10/2018 21:45

It's DH birthday at the end of this week. He's been off work all week and I had a few days leave so I'm off too.

I booked a surprise night away in a hotel and planned some fun activities to do with the DC as its also half term. Told him about it tonight.

He's now sulking because he cant be bothered going away and apparently "no one asked him what he wanted to do" (not true I did and few weeks ago and he said nothing)

I now feel like shit cause I know he won't properly be enjoying himself but if I never organised anything he would never want to do anything.

AIBU to be pissed off that he's being so ungrateful?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 31/10/2018 00:18

Of course YABU

You organised something for you and the children and then pretended it was his birthday treat when you knew he didn’t want to do it.

This ^

Topseyt · 31/10/2018 00:20

Pyongyang, just read "make me into something I am not". It really doesn't matter and the meaning is the same.

OP has organised something for her DH's birthday that she knew he wouldn't want. Something that SHE wanted to do. She is now stropping because he doesn't want to do it and has begun a convenient dripfeed about how he doesn't pull his weight with the children etc.

Powerless · 31/10/2018 00:21

@ Keeping - "Wouldn't want to be told where to go on a trip?!?!?"

Seriously? It's a surprise not a summons!!!

teaandtoast · 31/10/2018 00:26

So if it's not a summons, he doesn't have to go, right?

Snitzelvoncrumb · 31/10/2018 00:29

I agree with the person who suggested his gift can be a quiet night on his own.
You take the kids and have fun, make him a favourite dinner, and a little cake. He can celebrate the way he wants to.

Topseyt · 31/10/2018 00:29

I wouldn't take well to being told where to go on a trip either. We plan in advance so that there are things that we both want to do.

I wouldn't want decisions made for me without me having the chance of any input.

BonnieF · 31/10/2018 00:30

If DP had asked me if I wanted to go away for my birthday and I had told him that I didn’t, but he had completely ignored my wishes and booked something anyway, I would not be impressed.

In that situation, I would expect my wishes to be respected, not ignored.

YABU.

Bahhhhhumbug · 31/10/2018 00:33

My heart would sink at the words 'fun activities' then followed by 'with the dc' would finish me off altogether. Its his birthday not the dcs, not yours and he's already told you he wants a 'do nothing' one.

MrsStrowman · 31/10/2018 00:41

Surprise shit is NEVER about the person the surprise is SUPPOSEDLY for its ALWAYS grandstanding by the person organising it's an ego boost for them.
I don't agree with this, last year for his birthday I surprised DH with a trip to Brighton, we stayed in the kind of hotel he prefers, for the two nights we were there I'd booked us dinner at a cool Mexican Street food place and a slightly hipster burger joint (definitely his favourite cuisines not mine) and booked us amazing seats at a WWE professional wrestling event, which I assure you is definitely not about me. I drove us there and back and everything was paid for. I didn't have to tell anyone else as we had no DCs at the time and both had the week booked off work, I didn't post about it on social media either. DH was like a kid at Christmas and he had such a fantastic time I did too, although it definitely wasn't the kind of trip I'd choose for myself it was good to see him enjoy himself. Not all surprises are self serving

DeltaZulu89 · 31/10/2018 00:42

YANBU. It’s not nice when you make an effort to do something for someone and they not only don’t appreciate it, but complain about it. He’s ungrateful, but hopefully he will perk up on the day and you can all have a nice time.

Graphista · 31/10/2018 00:58

But mrsstrowman - look at how your post is worded "I did this and I did that" it's primarily about how wonderful a wife you are, how you've sacrificed to going to a hotel he prefers, going to an event he prefers... That's what I mean, the whole martyrdom thing.

And it's rare for surprises not to be known to others.

kateandme · 31/10/2018 02:00

deltazulu89 how else is mrsstrowman to decsrbe what she did.in third person? so of course she had to say I did thi and I did that. ad it doesn't have to be martyrdom but doing something for someone else because you love them and are kind.of course it means YOU have to organise it FOR them.but you still doing it for them.
there is a difference between sitting at home and thinking what do I want to do and then giftig it and thinking what would they love to do and then gifting it.some people are actually just you know...nice.

DeltaZulu89 · 31/10/2018 03:22

Sorry, kateandme do you mean graphistas post?

Monty27 · 31/10/2018 03:30

I don't think this gift was for dh I think it was for you and dc. Can you cancel it?

Havaina · 31/10/2018 04:57

Why do you work OOO and still do majority of housework and childcare?

Sounds like he's used to you pandering to him.

I would either cancel the weekend or go without him. And make no alternative plans for his birthday. He wants you to do everything but also moan about it. Sounds draining.

Havaina · 31/10/2018 05:00

But mrsstrowman - look at how your post is worded "I did this and I did that" it's primarily about how wonderful a wife you are, how you've sacrificed to going to a hotel he prefers, going to an event he prefers... That's what I mean, the whole martyrdom thing.

And it's rare for surprises not to be known to others.

I think you've got issues. She did a nice thing for her husband, the whole weekend was a treat ror him, there is no martyrdom.

areyoubeingserviced · 31/10/2018 05:22

I have told my husband that if he ever organises a surprise party for my birthday, I will divorce him.
I wouldn’t mind a weekend away, so if my dh were to surprise me he knows that it would be fine
Op’s Dh said that he didn’t want to do anything, so she should have respected his wishes
He is still an ungrateful twat though and if I were OP, I would definitely go on my own

kevinspear · 31/10/2018 05:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Shoxfordian · 31/10/2018 05:37

It doesn't seem like you really thought about whether he would want to go but he could be a bit more gracious about it as well.

bubbles108 · 31/10/2018 05:59

Ok - you got it wrong. He didn't tell you what he wanted, you guessed, and he doesn't want to do what you chose

It's not exactly life altering - you apologise for getting it wrong, tell him that next time you ask him what he wants to do - he tells you or says 'I'll get back to you don't book anything' -- and you go with the DC and have a lovely time

Oh and imo he's a cockwomble

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 31/10/2018 11:37

If I never suggest or organise anything he doesn't and I wanted to have some activities with the DC that didn't involve sitting watching tv that's fine on a normal day. His birthday should be what he wants to do with his day not what you want him to do. When I was with my son's dad I asked for a sleep in for my birthday and never got it. It was a totally free gift to give me and tbh it was hurtful that he couldn't manage it for one day. Never understood why I couldn't do what I wanted for one day out of the whole year. My partner now wouldn't dream of dictating to me how I had to spend my birthday.

Havaina · 31/10/2018 11:49

People book surprise weekends for their partners all the time, it's generally considered a treat, not a controlling thing.

I bet if OP didn't organise anything for his birthday he'd be moaning that she made no effort.

She can't win with him.

I would take him at word and organise fuck all next time.

I wonder what effort he goes to for OP's birthday 🤔

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 31/10/2018 12:18

It’s got to be about what he wants on his birthday, and it sounds like you got it wrong here OP. Equally he could have been a bit more tactful in how he told you this, but I think you need to have a conversation about it.

I love surprises, activities and trips away, so DH often whisks me away for things on my birthday. He, on the other hand, likes to know what’s coming up in life and prefers things quiet, so when it’s his birthday I focus on presents I know he’ll enjoy and involve him in planning a meal or a day out. We both really enjoy our bithdays because we respect that we celebrate differently - can you and your DH focus more on getting to this point?

SillySallySingsSongs · 31/10/2018 12:20

You planned something you knew he wouldn't want to do for his birthday, and now you're sulking that he doesn't want to do it? Nice.

^ this

Havaina · 31/10/2018 12:26

OP, read the responses on this thread, they are much more sensible and your DH sounds like that OP's DH

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3409437-Aibu-to-be-sick-of-doing-it-all-and-getting-sh-t-for-it?msgid=82217597#82217597

Swipe left for the next trending thread