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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands response to pregnancy/baby, AIBU?

80 replies

Aw12345 · 30/10/2018 20:31

He is a very good husband in the sense that he is trustworthy, reliable, kind, lovely. Very hands on dad.
BUT
Our son is 3 months old now and it has suddenly hit me that I'm really upset by how he reacted when I told him I was pregnant and when the baby first arrived.

We were trying for a baby, I ran into our room and said "I'm pregnant!" Really excitedly and he said "oh ok, good" and went back to sleep...

Then the baby was born by emergency caesarean after 32 hours of contractions (starting mild then very strong and regular by the end) and was ok about it but not exactly outwardly over the moon.

Maybe I've watched too many romcoms but I thought he would be really happy? I thought he would say he's proud of me? I'm really sad he hasn't got me a present or even written a small note to say he appreciates the effort I put in. I've even mentioned to him that it's nice to get your wife a gift after having a baby :'-( I don't want anything expensive but something would be nice :-(

AIBU? Am I naive?!

OP posts:
68Anon · 30/10/2018 20:36

A gift for having a baby? Why?

I'm sorry, I just find it strange that you expected a gift. Isn't your baby a gift?

Kitsandkids · 30/10/2018 20:36

If he was asleep you can’t blame him for not being too responsive at the news. And surely your baby is the only gift you need?

Rtmhwales · 30/10/2018 20:37

YABU. I hope it's just the hormones and lack of sleep making you feel this way. Why would you expect a note or a present? Is that really the done thing outside of celebrities?

Sometimes men don't outwardly react the best way. He'd just found out his life was going to change quite a lot. Maybe that didn't bring up excitement right away. It's a lot to process really. I'd let it slide.

user1473878824 · 30/10/2018 20:37

So you’re cross your husband didn’t buy you something because you had a baby? I do totally get why you feel a little put out but I think you are being a little bit unreasonable to expect him to write to you telling you how proud he is of you(?!).

The first bit isn’t great, but was he literally asleep when you told him?

Caprisunorange · 30/10/2018 20:37

He was probably scared by the birth tbf

My DH would’ve been really upset if I hadn’t Waited for him to look together but he’s also bad in the mornings.

Your DH sounds fine!

harrietm87 · 30/10/2018 20:38

Just reread your first 2 sentences again - he sounds great. Why do you want a present?! I had a baby recently and certainly didn’t expect a gift - all I wanted was for my DH to be a good dad, and he is.

Jackshouse · 30/10/2018 20:39

In a word yes.

A pregnancy does not alway equally a baby for many people and if you had just found you were pregnant the you would be 8 months away from meeting your future baby. The pregnant Mum often thinks of themselves as a parent as soon as they are pregnant and the other parent not until the baby is born.

You did get a present after labour, your baby. I would not expect a gift or a note but I would expect my DH to say how well I did. Have you spoken about your birth with your partner since?

PurpleFlower1983 · 30/10/2018 20:40

I think you need to move on and get back to appreciating what you have. I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Skylucy · 30/10/2018 20:41

How did he treat you during your pregnancy, during your recovery, and now, with a small baby? Asking because I genuinely think that's more important.

And how are you doing? Do you think you're maybe worrying a little bit too much about things that happened in the past? I often do that when I'm down...often due to sheer exhaustion from baby wrangling!

I've heard of "push presents" too but personally find it an odd concept. Yes, we go through crazily difficult times to grow and birth our babies (I'm currently overdue, so feeling this very strongly!!), but it's not a lone venture, and I feel that the love and support I've had from DH both times is all I really need. I mean, a pressie is always welcome (!!) but the fact I sobbed on his shoulder out of exhaustion and frustration tonight, and he just gave me a cuddle and made dinner, was far more meaningful.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 30/10/2018 20:42

I don’t think the OP is expecting an expensive gift, just an acknowledgment of the nine months of pregnancy, birth and raising a newborn. Some people would accept that acknowledgement as the DP taking care of them during those early days, or outwardly saying thank you, some others would like a token gift or card.

DH got me an inexpensive charm with dd’s Name and date of birth and a card with a lovely note inside. I didn’t ask for it, but DH knew that I would appreciate it.

Littlelambpeep · 30/10/2018 20:42

Mine just said 'we'll see how it goes when I got my positive test ... he was really excited and all but scared incase it didn't work out (it did and he's a beautiful 5 year old)

Just be happy with your baby .. Mine didn't get me gifts or anything either.

ellenpartridge · 30/10/2018 20:42

He sounds fine, can't see what he's done wrong.

Tahani · 30/10/2018 20:42

a present and a note? for having a baby? really?

and you're now 3 months after having the baby, and you're still dwelling on it?

my waters broke, and my husband asked me to come back later...well it was 4am.... ( i didnt come back later, i woke him up properly!!)

Maelstrop · 30/10/2018 20:42

You wanted a prize for having a baby? It’s not a competition! A friend of mine demanded a pair of diamond studs for all 3 of her dds. Very odd.

Is your dh generally quite undemonstrative? I would have expected a more exuberant response than ok, good and falling bac’ to sleep if I announced a pregnancy, but no prize!

HellenaHandbasket · 30/10/2018 20:42

We all react differently to these things. With #1 I took a test, discovered I was pregnant and calmly got in the shower and plodded on with my morning...only telling dh after. I'm not an overly emotional person, I certainly wasn't when any of them were born. I adore them though obviously.

If your husband is a good husband and father, then you can't judge him on these things. A different reaction isn't necessarily a wrong one.

CherryPavlova · 30/10/2018 20:43

I think you have odd expectations. His reactions are not a reflection of his love for you or the child. You told him when he was dozing. It was saying you were pregnant- not exactly a huge surprise if you’d been having unprotected sex.
Like you, he was probably emotionally and physically exhausted after the birth. It doesn’t mean he wasn’t pleased because he didn’t dance on the rooftops.
I always thought a healthy baby was gift enough.....

Amanduh · 30/10/2018 20:44

I don’t know anyone who got a present after birth. We get presents on Mothers Day. It’s not normal to get a present, no.
Yab a bit ridiculous

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 30/10/2018 20:44

A 'push present'? I remember that being a thing on the American baby boards I was on in 2007 but eh.

Dont read too much into it. Half asleep and the reality of being pregnant instead of just an idea. You have your healthy kid and hes a good dad. Dont let idealisation of what you expected it to be ruin what you now have.

Darkstar4855 · 30/10/2018 20:44

I think you are massively overthinking this, and yes, probably you have watched too many romcoms. These are things that happened months ago and are pretty minor in the grand scheme of things.

If he’s a good dad, does his share of things at home and is supportive and loving then surely that’s the important thing?

Also the whole “present/note” for giving birth thing is a bit of an odd new trend. I don’t think it would occur to many men that this would be expected.

Quartz2208 · 30/10/2018 20:46

You wanted him to say he was proud of you and a gift. Yes too many romcoms Im afraid

If this is all you have to worry about YABU

kaytee87 · 30/10/2018 20:46

Yabu.

His response to the pregnancy sounded quite pleased considering you woke him so he was probably still half asleep.
He was probably worried about the birth considering the baby was premature and you had to have a section.
I'm honestly not sure what you want a gift for? I'm trying to be kind but i can't understand your point of view at all.

Cuckooclocks · 30/10/2018 20:47

True, the baby is a gift but one of you has to work a hell of a lot harder for it. I think a token of appreciation from the father is a beautiful gesture.

As for him being asleep, i think sleep would wear off pretty fast if I was woken up with life changing news from my partner! I half shit myself when I wake up on Saturday and think I’m late for work.

Thebluedog · 30/10/2018 20:48

I woke at 4am with contractions, I told my dh, then said they aren’t bad? So he rolled over and went back to sleep. I kicked him out the bed at 9am mind you.

I think yabu to expect a gift. Plus some blokes are just not excitable

Original poster
Aw12345 · 30/10/2018 20:48

Thanks for replies. Obviously over thinking this (so much time on my hands bf for hours every day!!). It is true that the baby is the best gift ever :-)

The main reason I thought about a gift is because all my NCT friends got one from their partners but obviously that's a bit of a red herring :-)

Thanks again! I feel better now knowing I'm BU!!

OP posts:
Nothisispatrick · 30/10/2018 20:49

A note? I would genuinely think DP had lost his mind if he wrote me a note, considering we spend nearly all our time together and can talk to each other.