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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husbands response to pregnancy/baby, AIBU?

80 replies

Aw12345 · 30/10/2018 20:31

He is a very good husband in the sense that he is trustworthy, reliable, kind, lovely. Very hands on dad.
BUT
Our son is 3 months old now and it has suddenly hit me that I'm really upset by how he reacted when I told him I was pregnant and when the baby first arrived.

We were trying for a baby, I ran into our room and said "I'm pregnant!" Really excitedly and he said "oh ok, good" and went back to sleep...

Then the baby was born by emergency caesarean after 32 hours of contractions (starting mild then very strong and regular by the end) and was ok about it but not exactly outwardly over the moon.

Maybe I've watched too many romcoms but I thought he would be really happy? I thought he would say he's proud of me? I'm really sad he hasn't got me a present or even written a small note to say he appreciates the effort I put in. I've even mentioned to him that it's nice to get your wife a gift after having a baby :'-( I don't want anything expensive but something would be nice :-(

AIBU? Am I naive?!

OP posts:

pasbeaucoupdegendarme · 30/10/2018 20:49

Also think you’re overreacting.

I see birth announcements on fb from proud dads saying their wives were amazing and I half wish my dh would say that about me (because I was 😂). But it’s not him, it’s not how he works. There’s other stuff that’s more important.

MrsStrowman · 30/10/2018 20:52

I've never seen my brother look more pale and shellshocked than after SILs emergency c section, his first words to me at the hospital were, I saw her guts, they took them out then put them back. As much as it's clearly worse for the person going through a birth it must be pretty horrendous to observe, and the men must feel pretty helpless seeing their partners in pain etc. The important bit is your first two sentences
He is a very good husband in the sense that he is trustworthy, reliable, kind, lovely. Very hands on dad
And push presents, ugh, just ugh. The Kardashian era have got a lot to answer for.

Sausagerollers · 30/10/2018 20:53

I think a lot of expectation comes from the company you keep.
We joined the NCT when I was expecting my first DC and the other couples in our group mostly knew each other.

The men went out for beers & invited my DH, then part of the evening's conversation was about the eternity rings they were all planning to give to their partners after the birth.

Neither he (nor I) knew this as a thing, but I got a lovely ring after giving birth which was a gorgeous surprise, and my DH got a surprise when he realised that actually not everyone does this!!

ZaphodBeeblerox · 30/10/2018 20:54

Sigh. Push presents are so tacky OP. Honestly.!
As if you bore the baby for nine months and pushed him or her out (or tried to for 32 most likely excruciating hours) and/or put your body through major surgery with many weeks of recovery and make yourself a human feeding machine for months afterwards all in order to get a diamond ring. Women aren’t breeding machines to be rewarded for producing a baby.

What do you get for pregnancy and labour? Ideally, a healthy happy baby. Does your fella pitch in around the house? Make you cups of tea? Watch the baby so you can rest and shower and sleep and go out for a walk? Then he’s a good dad and husband and that’s all I’d be looking for.

ZackPizzazz · 30/10/2018 20:56

Yes you're BU and have definitely watched way too many romcoms. A cautiously positive approach to a positive test is perfectly appropriate - it's a long way from that to a baby. And life with a baby isn't about presents and "I appreciate you" notes, it's about working together as you adapt to a totally new phase of your life. I assure you, a good involved dad and supportive partner is worth 1,000 cutesy notes.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 30/10/2018 20:56

Sorry you want a present for having a baby? Princess syndrome or what!!

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 30/10/2018 21:10

This He is a very good husband in the sense that he is trustworthy, reliable, kind, lovely. Very hands on dad is a million times more valuable than some ring.

Fluffyears · 30/10/2018 21:15

A note?? Like an actual note? Why?

Flyinggeese · 30/10/2018 21:15

OP he sounds like a good partner and dad. Honestly, I imagine all those at the NCT class badgered / heavily hinted to their partners in order to get gifts. I blame social media and a show off culture!

Mivery · 30/10/2018 21:16

Yeah sorry OP, agreed that YABU. I don't know where you got the idea that he should give you a gift or send a note? I've never heard of that expectation. As for him not responding the way you expected, you can't really blame him if he was asleep now can you? As for the day of, I'd echo the idea that he was scared, or tired, or any other number of emotions that come from a stressful situation. It sounds like you're feeling a little raw from the hormones, which is totally understandable, but don't take it out on your partner (who sounds like a decent guy).

Foamybanana93 · 30/10/2018 21:18

I’m sorry but you have a living baby that you have as your “present” some people don’t even get to bring their baby home or even meet their baby after finding out their pregnant

TenForward82 · 30/10/2018 21:26

Fucking hell. How the other half live, eh?

WontonSoupForTheSoul · 30/10/2018 21:30

What wording would be on this note?

user1484424013 · 30/10/2018 21:31

Baby girl number 1.... we did the rest together and he said oh fuck.... bought me some flowers and an mp4 player put all my music on... we were both weird about this as I was uncomfortable with a gift for having his baby and he felt like a knob saying thanks lol....

Baby girl number 2.... found out Christmas day... shouted down the stairs and he said.... ok can I finish the fasteners Xmas special. I was bought an eternity ring which we sold to feed ourselves when 2 redundancy happened.... didn't want a ring but it's a traditional thing that ladies at work Harped on about....

Baby girl number 3... was eating a subway chocked on it and said thank fuck your pregnant because I was starting to worry about how moody you are... had a home birth midwife would not fuck off until I ate so he bought me so soda bread and jam and smoky bacon crips...

So go and take the girls to school 2 days later and I am asked... "ooohhh what was your push gift?" (Wtf is a push gift) the only thing I could think of was the bread and jam 🤣🤣🤣🤣 the moochy arse disproving faces of these women then bragging about cars and diamonds to which I replied "I am allergic to diamonds and I don't drive so how lucky am I he even got me some smoky bacon" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 fucking push gift. I even told him this time round don't be buying me any shit this time round and he said what can i do for you and I was like make me a coffee and get the midwife to feck off....

SEsofty · 30/10/2018 21:31

I’ve only heard on mumsnet about push presents don’t know anyone in real life who actually did that.

SEsofty · 30/10/2018 21:35

I also hypothesis that there is an adverse correlation between push present and actual practical help with the baby

Valanice1989 · 30/10/2018 21:36

I've never heard of anyone being given a present for getting pregnant. Not even in a romcom, for that matter.

SassitudeandSparkle · 30/10/2018 21:38

Tbh OP, I would be fairly doubtful of what your NCT friends are saying

PumpkinKitty82 · 30/10/2018 21:41

Sadly you’re right, you do watch too many Rom coms.
Men don’t get excited about the sales things we do in the same way , he was probably nervous during the c section etc.. and when you told him he may have been in shock and processing it in his own way.
I’ve learnt to never assume your DH should behave / react the same way you would about things and it’s definitely safer and less stressful that way!
As long as he is a good day / husband then that’s all that matters.
And if I’m really being honest I think a gift for giving birth is outrageous, what the bloody hell does any one deserve a present for ?!

PumpkinKitty82 · 30/10/2018 21:42

*same ! Ffs

IABURQO · 30/10/2018 21:44

That's exactly what my DH did. He said (at 5am) "ok, ok" and went back to sleep. Then later (at 6am) he questioned that the line was very pale so maybe I wasn't fully pregnant. He was more useful later that day, though like others say he wasn't a Daddy until the baby was born.

He got me a chopping board as a gift once, I didn't expect one for the baby. He made me meals though (brought to the hospital as well at at home) and he is endlessly fascinated by our boy, as well as being besotted by him. He loves holding the baby, he's interested in everything about the baby and he loves nothing more than making him laugh. That stuff is what matters, assess him based on that kind of stuff.

TheSheepofWallSt · 30/10/2018 21:45

I told exDP I was pregnant and he went pale and said “oh fucking hell, I’ll put the kettle on”.
We’d been together about 3 months. I thought he was very restrained under the circumstances.

At the birth he was just totally overwhelmed. Had to make a phone call to cancel minor surgery of his own planned for that morning as soon as he’d cut the umbilical cord, and was roundly bollocked by the midwife for making a call and not feeding me toast. Not ideal.

He bought me a ham and cheese baguette from pret, and steak and red wine on the way home.

He forgot my birthday 6 weeks after our son was born.

None of these are reasons we separated- but as an interesting aside he also bought me beautiful handmade stationary, jo malone bath stuff, white company nightwear and hammered silver rings at various points AFTER we separated to thank me for raising his son practically alone- so I really wouldn’t set too much store by STUFF. I’d rather have my family in one piece, frankly.

bringbackthestripes · 30/10/2018 21:49

It was traditional for an eternity ring to be given for a first born or a first anniversary once upon a time.

I didn’t expect any gift or note(because that would be odd ) after the birth of our child. And that was after several months of fertility treatment, a difficult pregnancy where I lost one twin and a f..ing horrendously difficult 3 day long labour.
What gift should I have expected? What should the note have said?

DC is nearly 15 can I apply in retrospect for a gift? And gratitude note?

hiddeneverything · 30/10/2018 21:52

Aw OP I think YANBU. DH didn't have a great reaction to my pregnancy with DS2 and didn't show that much enthusiasm in the weeks after he was born (though I got fudge and a candle - I don't like fudge). It sometimes just takes dads a bit longer to bond and they aren't at home all day every day with lo so their life goes on. Congrats on the birth of lo xx

Tinkobell · 30/10/2018 21:57

Never occurred to me to expect a gift from DH when baby was born.....too busy thinking about the baby tbh. I think the nct group you have are a tad unusual.....I wonder if one couple floated the idea and others copied for fear of being the odd ones out or the DP's not getting a hard time.

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