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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands response to pregnancy/baby, AIBU?

80 replies

Aw12345 · 30/10/2018 20:31

He is a very good husband in the sense that he is trustworthy, reliable, kind, lovely. Very hands on dad.
BUT
Our son is 3 months old now and it has suddenly hit me that I'm really upset by how he reacted when I told him I was pregnant and when the baby first arrived.

We were trying for a baby, I ran into our room and said "I'm pregnant!" Really excitedly and he said "oh ok, good" and went back to sleep...

Then the baby was born by emergency caesarean after 32 hours of contractions (starting mild then very strong and regular by the end) and was ok about it but not exactly outwardly over the moon.

Maybe I've watched too many romcoms but I thought he would be really happy? I thought he would say he's proud of me? I'm really sad he hasn't got me a present or even written a small note to say he appreciates the effort I put in. I've even mentioned to him that it's nice to get your wife a gift after having a baby :'-( I don't want anything expensive but something would be nice :-(

AIBU? Am I naive?!

OP posts:
ladydickisathingapparently · 30/10/2018 21:58

I got an M and S prawn sandwich in hospital after having ds1 does that count? I was delighted! Nothing after the others, obviously DH set the bar too high.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 30/10/2018 22:01

I was beyond delighted when DP got pregnant, and incredibly proud of her when she got through three and a bit days of inductions, labour and an emergency section.

But I would have felt very weird getting her a present or writing her a note. For starters, I don't think she would have thanked me for something that meant concentrating on a bit of paper at a time when she was too shattered to focus and had both hands full trying to get a newborn to latch on! She'd have told me to just bloody talk to her.

I don't think it's wrong for you to want to feel appreciated, but I'm not clear why these particular things would make you feel that.

salopek · 30/10/2018 22:01

I'd class myself and NCT group as fairly middle class, all in professional jobs etc., and none of the women got push presents. I just thought its something tacky Americans do?

fitorfat · 30/10/2018 22:01

It's called a Push Present when a partner gets the woman a present for giving birth. But more for the likes of Kim Kardashian who got a diamond necklace for giving birth.

Justcallmestep · 30/10/2018 22:01

Women get presents for giving birth?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 30/10/2018 22:02

It was traditional for an eternity ring to be given for a first born or a first anniversary once upon a time.

Grin Like when?!

I have only heard of this 'tradition' from jewellery retailers in the last decade.

Missingstreetlife · 30/10/2018 22:06

Some people have a culture of cards flowers presents for eveything, and some would never think of it. Doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate you
Some of those posh nob head husbands are charming but never lend a hand.

Scientistic · 30/10/2018 22:06

My husband bought me a magnum ice cream for breakfast after I had a baby, approx 5 hours before Confused

TheBigFatMermaid · 30/10/2018 22:08

If I had woken my DP up, I would not have expected a great reaction. The first time, I phoned him and he was excited ( we were not living together at the time) the second time, he could not contain himself and told everyone he spoke to that day!!

You would have got a better response if you had timed it better!

As for when the baby is born, well, when DD was born, within hours she was rushed to a hospital 50 miles away, so ill, we nearly lost her. DP had DD, age 10 to look after, no one else could look after her., I was too ill to go with her....... Then when I had DS, I was ill, in ITU, he had scans and skull xrays..........

Just be grateful lack of present is all you have to worry about.......

Miscible · 30/10/2018 22:11

Your DH sounds a bit like mine. My DH tends to have quite a calm, understated reaction to things so that he seemed, for instance, quietly happy about the birth of our children rather than ecstatic. There have been times when I would like him to get a bit more excited about things, but on the other hand there have been times when his calmness has been absolutely invaluable, especially in a crisis. Ultimately I think you need to value what he is rather than wish for what he can’t be.

Allthewaves · 30/10/2018 22:15

Crikey your being a bit precious.

caringcarer · 30/10/2018 22:16

He is a very good husband in the sense that he is trustworthy, reliable, kind, lovely. Very hands on dad.

The fact he is a good husband and is kind to you and is a good Dad who is trustworthy and reliable is so very much more important than getting a push pressie. Did he not buy you flowers after you had the baby?

My first dh bought me an a push pressie after each of our three dc were born, a necklace for first, a diamond bracelet for second (a bit better off by then) and an expensive sapphire and diamond eternity ring after our 3rd dc was born but then left me seven years later, after I found he had been having an affair for almost a year, to bring children up alone. Push pressies mean nothing believe me, they are not a sign of how much they love you. I actually think he did it to show off and he enjoyed everyone telling him what a good husband/ how generous he was. I thought he was thoughtful for always remembering every event: anniversary of engagement, wedding anniversary, birthday, valentines etc. after we split up I kept receiving bouquets of lilies and roses which are my favourite but then I found the shit had them ordered on a repeat order with the florist and for his Mum too. So much for him remembering.

Your dh sounds much nicer. He is giving his attention to his dc. Try to appreciate who you have.

switswoo81 · 30/10/2018 22:23

My dh was whatsapping me pictures of his lunch when I was in labour. In fairness he had been sent away for food.
I thought he was totally devoid of emotion until dd2 was born and brought to NICU.
I don’t think yanbu you are just reflecting on your experience but it’s like engagements etc movies and tv tend to overdramatize things.

Valanice1989 · 30/10/2018 22:29

Here's what Wikipedia has to say about the origin of eternity rings:

The concept of the diamond eternity ring was created in the 1960s by diamond merchant De Beers.[5][6] American investigative journalist Edward Jay Epstein stated that at the time the company had a secret agreement with the Soviet Union which, in return for the creation of a "single channel" controlling the world's supply of diamonds, 'required' the purchase of 90-95% of the uncut gem diamonds produced by Russia.[6] The prevailing fashion at the time, particularly for engagement rings, was for them to be set with a single, large diamond. The Soviet gems, however, were small, often less than 0.25 carats.[5] To avoid stockpiling, De Beers embarked on a campaign of promotion of jewelry containing a number of small diamonds culminating in the eternity ring, which was aimed at older, married women.[5]

bellsbuss · 30/10/2018 22:30

I never got a present until I'd had our 4th, I think I deserved it by then 

NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 30/10/2018 22:38

I don't think you are being reasonable or unreasonable, your just being human Smile. I think it all depends on the person on how they react.

One of my male friends would sing all day everyday if he found out his wife was pregnant (he's single but very christian so it would be his wife) and then carry the child everywhere and anywhere and if he got his wife a gift it would be impractical/tacky and most likely a teddy of some sort, but he'd of put a lot of thought into it, because that's who he is. He has said several times if he's not married in seven years he's either going to foster or adopt because he wants a family ASAP but he's horrifically shy. (I am currently trying to nudge him and a mutual friend together because they like each other but are both terribly awkward and shy) Grin

Another has told me he has no desire to have a family until he's established his career, and knowing him he would be happy but controlled and muted about it because he falls into the stiff upper lip category and is far more likely to buy an expensive gift and a tongue in cheek gift than say anything or be overly demonstrative, because to him that amounts to the same thing.

Different people respond in different ways. Women typically prefer an emotional response, I'd probably be fine with a passing acknowledgement because over the top emotions make me uncomfortable.

Artesia · 30/10/2018 22:44

I got a gorgeous Cartier eternity ring after I had Ds1. Three months later exDH left me for the woman he had been seeing since I was 5 months pregnant. I would cheerfully have swapped all the diamonds in the world for a living, faithful husband who was a good father to DS1.

On the plus side, having never worn it I eventually got the ring out of the back of the drawer I had shoved it in, and I went back to Cartier. When I told them what had happened, the lovely people there let me exchange it. I got a gorgeous ring which I wear on my middle finger. ExDH was a total arsehole throughout the divorce and made my life a misery. Many a time I cheered myself up by “waving farewell” to his back with a single finger salute. I still refer to it as my “fuck you” ring.

Loyaultemelie · 30/10/2018 22:52

I'd be highly suspicious my dh had been abducted by aliens and replaced with a lookalike if he had given me a present and a note would have finished me off! I don't know anyone else who got either so I think it's just hormones and box sets while feeding that's got to you. Enjoy your new baby Thanks

flyingspaghettimonster · 30/10/2018 23:41

My husband was never happy or excited with any of our 3. Number 1 was a huge shock and he wanted me to get an abortion as he wasn't ready. We agreed if it was before 10 weeks to look into it. I was 12 weeks so we had the baby. He barely wanted to do any of the planning and admitted later he was terrified and thinking of leaving because he felt 22 was too young. Number 2 was no biggie, he assumed we would have 2 kids. But he wasn't much interested and he left for america for 4.5 months while I was pregnant, only returning to collect us a couple of weeks before our son was born. It was horrible being alone through late pregnancy. No. 3 was a huge surprise. I had the mirena coil. He didn't talk about baby or discuss names etc at all really. I told him our son's name after the birth and he agreed to it.

Weird thing is, he is an awesome dad who adores his kids. He is an active parent who did his fair share of night changes and endless pacing, trips out etc. He just never felt like our pregnancies were the right time or like we could cope.

I grieved a bit for the way I thought pregnancy would have been. I always feel jealous watching movies where the man scoops up his wife and spins her round joyfully... the propping up feet and endless cups of tea and concern. Bit at the end of the day, I'd rather have a great dad for my kids than an over attentive partner through pregnancy. And as for "push gifts" they are so tacky. It is so wrong that women are being made to feel like if they don't get a diamond necklace or something for birthing a baby that their partner doesn't care.

Leannakate · 31/10/2018 04:06

Got you a present!? Written a note? That's a bit bizarre. I think YABU and have definitely watched too many romcoms!

Birdie69 · 31/10/2018 04:22

My DH said "Oh right" when I told him I was pregnant, after TTC for four years. . And when I had DD he went out and got drunk. And you're upset because he didn't buy you a present or write a letter . YABU.

BlueBug45 · 31/10/2018 04:58

The only women I know who got push presents have split from their partners.

missperegrinespeculiar · 31/10/2018 05:19

Push presents are a horrid idea, tacky and mercenary, the whole thing screams princess to me, too, which is not a way of being a woman that I feel affinity with, this said, I can see the if it is the done thing in your circle then it might be a bit disappointing that he didn't do it

the hole "being proud" of getting through pregnancy and childbirth unscathed also worries me a bit, it's not an achievement strictly speaking, is it? I know it is not meant that way, but it makes me fear the implication is that if you don't make it through unscathed then it is somehow a failure on your part, when really, it is mostly down to luck!

areyoubeingserviced · 31/10/2018 05:33

I didn’t even know that ‘push ‘ presents were a thing
I shall notify dh of this. He owes me three presents

MsHopey · 31/10/2018 05:41

First pregnancy DH didn't believe he could see a line. (There was one) so we had to go out and get more tests.
Second time was similar to you, I was up early on a Sunday (his only day off a week) I did the test, positive, I couldn't keep it to myself, came into the room and was like "I'm pregnant again" and he was just like "that's good, quite fast too, super sperm here". And that was it.
He never cried when DS was born, or even looked happy, but I know him. I know he's grateful and happy and love our son so much.
He helps massively, with pregnancy, and with our Son, he's always been there for me and shows me love every day.
Would I accept a present? Yeah, who turns down a present!
Did I expect one? Not even a little bit.
He did get his mom to get my some flowers after the birth.
He's always told me he'd take the hard times of pregnancy and birth and do them himself if he could, but he can't.
DH has cried once in our nearly 10 years together, so I don't expect it.
It's weird anyway, I cry at Jeremy Kyle and just reading magazine articles, and I didn't cry when DS was born. I think it's all a bit shocking for some people.