To think he spends far too much time on this

[HappyHippy45]

I pretty sure most will agree with me....but I need to vent. I am at my wits end.
My dh records music with friends and a family member. Nothing professional, nothing that makes any money. They don't do gigs. He enjoys doing it and I think it's good that he has a hobby.
The problem is he spends so much time and energy and focus on it and tbh they are all a bit shit.
For example: he gets in from work, switches on computer, puts on headphones and messes about with latest recording for about 2 hours. Most nights after dinner he'll go upstairs and work on "composing" and makes recordings on his phone to remember what he's written. So average of 3 hours a day. Often more at weekends.

He's always asking me to listen to his stuff. He wants my opinion on timing etc and if it's any good. I have used every ounce of tact I have.....in fact sometimes I don't even bother being tactful! He knows I'm not interested but involves me anyway.

His family member comes here on holidays and the two of them talk about their music/play music/record music. The rest of us sit around bored out of our minds being forced to listen to pretty mediocre at best music...they get visibility put out if no one comments on how good it is.
I find it really quite rude.

The like making music myself but I'm not brilliant at guitaring but I can sing.....none of them can.....it's painful to listen to. I don't inflict my mediocre skills on other people unless asked

In addition to this he complains about how hard he's working and how he doesn't have time to do anything!

He's obsessed. He get up, makes coffee, sits at computer, plugs in headphones. Goes to work, gets home, sits at computer, plugs in headphones. After dinner, makes music, records, then spends a good chunk of the rest of the evening with headphones plugged into phone listening to his music.
I really think he has a problem. I'm concidering he is avoiding me. (I became disabled relatively recently and I still don't think he's dealing with it.)

He plays guitar all the time.....like when he's just switched the tv on!

Please give me some sympathy😩

I wasn't always disabled. I used to do pretty much all the housework and cooking and we ran a business together.
He has ALWAYS been keen about his music. (We used to be in a band years ago.)

It has turned in to an unhealthy obsession.
I used to write/record music too and I know how involved it can become. When I did, the jobs that needed done slipped........he noticed that and didn't accept it at all!
It's not just the 3 hours a day there's all the snippets added in too, like his music with morning coffee, everytime he sits down he plays the guitar....last night he watched GBBO (his choice of programme) with subtitles....so he could stick headphones on and listen to his music at the same time. He watches tv and plays guitar at the same time too.

Watching shit on TV is his choice...not mine. When I say shit tv, it's shit IMO.......each to their own and all that. Xfactor, Come dine with me etc are not really my thing but I watch them with him.

We've tried composing together before. He mansplains everythin and I don't like his style😂 We just argue.
Over and above that, I don't have enough energy to sing........too busy spending it on clearing up after him

Example this morning:
I asked again if he could please keep on top of tidying up after his and adult ds dinner. (I make my own meals as on a special diet.).
I had to scrub their pans, load dishwasher, wipe kitchen counters (which were covered in food splatters etc) before I could make my breakfast.
I have limited energy so I will need some time to recover from this. I clean up after myself and don't expect them to do it.

His response was to get pissed off at me, ask if I'd spoken to our ds about it and played meanwhile his guitar.

With my ex I used to joke there were three of us in the relationship a la Princess Di - him, me and his fuckingguitar. He used to just pick it up and play it all the time, and I'd just sit there like a lemon. On one memorable occasion he took it on a hike up Coniston Old Man and made me sit by a freezing tarn while he played. It was (a bit) endearing, as it was a real passion, but I did feel like a spare part.

Stop clearing up after him seriously. Ask him to do it then leave it for him. If you do it all he is learning is that you will step in and sort out his mess. If it drives you nuts go out.
I have got a wooden crate for each dc and dh, anything they leave lying around goes in it. When full they get asked to empty and put away. They don't do that I will bin it.
Look after yourself more.

This is way beyond a normal hobby... It's taking ALL his time and it means he's no company and doesn't do a fair share of tasks....

Both would drive me mad...

I'm a muso.... I have music on ALL the time and think about it, and play lots... . But when dp is here... I get him to choose something different and we actually have fun.... What's the point in loving and living with someone and ignoring them??

I think a lot of you have missed the point here.
I don't object to him having a hobby. I think it's great that he is so passionate about something.
My opinion of whether he's any good at it or not is irrelevant.
I'm not so needy that he HAS to spend all evening sitting beside me. He needs time to himself......that time is now a significant chunk of the day.
What he has is an obsession that is taking over all aspects of his life. He prioritises it over everything.

He also doesn't do ANY housework unless explicitly asked to. He simply doesn't think about it or notice.
It's been 3 years since the house has been cleaned properly.
He says we can't afford a cleaner and I've just to tell him and ds what needs done. I do that. It still doesn't get done.

You need to sit him down, pull his earphones out, switch his computer and music off... And TELL him..

That his obsession and the amount of priority he gives to it MUST change..... It is completely unacceptable to be spending 3 hours on it every evening and all weekend.

You need more help due to your disabilities and he absolutely cannot continue to ignore you and your needs....

He needs to do tasks...

He needs to nurture your relationship...

You need to have fun...

I would be demanding that unless he comes up with a proposal he cuts down his music /composing to x nights a week

Yeah, so it's not the music, it's that he doesn't pull his weight in the house.

I would definitely print out the team TOMM worksheets, get them laminated and set up a system where you do what you can and does the rest. He is being lazy and avoidant.

This is not an easy fix. You are just going to have to say things like 'WE need to clean the kitchen now' and keep track of his hobby hours and insist that he recognise that this is overkill.

Have you discussed this with him and told him what you've just described here?

@spidermon
If he managed to do the house stuff I'd be less irritable about the time spent on music. Clean house or not, it's still annoying.
@plaidlife
Not heard of that before. Will look it up thanks

I've just started to mentally take a note of how long he's doing music for but I've been discussing about the lack of housework for years!
No nagging. I don't do nagging.

I can't spend so much energy being pissed off at them for not doing their share in the house.....it's not even their share, it's stuff like dropping food on the floor and not picking it up, missing the bin and just leaving it there. Last night I asked ds to soak his dinner dishes in the sink as the dishwasher was full.......he did.....but didn't empty the food out. So I'll have to get him to clear it up this morning with complaints about how he doesn't have time. I'm fully prepared to leave it until he gets back from work.

Does he put his music up on SoundCloud or on YouTube for comments?