To think he spends far too much time on this

[HappyHippy45]

I pretty sure most will agree with me....but I need to vent. I am at my wits end.
My dh records music with friends and a family member. Nothing professional, nothing that makes any money. They don't do gigs. He enjoys doing it and I think it's good that he has a hobby.
The problem is he spends so much time and energy and focus on it and tbh they are all a bit shit.
For example: he gets in from work, switches on computer, puts on headphones and messes about with latest recording for about 2 hours. Most nights after dinner he'll go upstairs and work on "composing" and makes recordings on his phone to remember what he's written. So average of 3 hours a day. Often more at weekends.

He's always asking me to listen to his stuff. He wants my opinion on timing etc and if it's any good. I have used every ounce of tact I have.....in fact sometimes I don't even bother being tactful! He knows I'm not interested but involves me anyway.

His family member comes here on holidays and the two of them talk about their music/play music/record music. The rest of us sit around bored out of our minds being forced to listen to pretty mediocre at best music...they get visibility put out if no one comments on how good it is.
I find it really quite rude.
The like making music myself but I'm not brilliant at guitaring but I can sing.....none of them can.....it's painful to listen to. I don't inflict my mediocre skills on other people unless asked

In addition to this he complains about how hard he's working and how he doesn't have time to do anything!

He's obsessed. He get up, makes coffee, sits at computer, plugs in headphones. Goes to work, gets home, sits at computer, plugs in headphones. After dinner, makes music, records, then spends a good chunk of the rest of the evening with headphones plugged into phone listening to his music.
I really think he has a problem. I'm concidering he is avoiding me. (I became disabled relatively recently and I still don't think he's dealing with it.)

He plays guitar all the time.....like when he's just switched the tv on!

Please give me some sympathy😩

[HollowTalk]

Does he put his music up on SoundCloud or on YouTube for comments?

[HappyHippy45]

I've just started to mentally take a note of how long he's doing music for but I've been discussing about the lack of housework for years!
No nagging. I don't do nagging.
I can't spend so much energy being pissed off at them for not doing their share in the house.....it's not even their share, it's stuff like dropping food on the floor and not picking it up, missing the bin and just leaving it there. Last night I asked ds to soak his dinner dishes in the sink as the dishwasher was full.......he did.....but didn't empty the food out. So I'll have to get him to clear it up this morning with complaints about how he doesn't have time. I'm fully prepared to leave it until he gets back from work.

[HappyHippy45]

@spidermon
If he managed to do the house stuff I'd be less irritable about the time spent on music. Clean house or not, it's still annoying.
@plaidlife
Not heard of that before. Will look it up thanks

[tiggerkid]

Have you discussed this with him and told him what you've just described here?

[KeiTeNgeNge]

This is not an easy fix. You are just going to have to say things like 'WE need to clean the kitchen now' and keep track of his hobby hours and insist that he recognise that this is overkill.

[plaidlife]

I would definitely print out the team TOMM worksheets, get them laminated and set up a system where you do what you can and does the rest. He is being lazy and avoidant.

[Spiderdemon]

Yeah, so it's not the music, it's that he doesn't pull his weight in the house.

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

You need to sit him down, pull his earphones out, switch his computer and music off... And TELL him..

That his obsession and the amount of priority he gives to it MUST change..... It is completely unacceptable to be spending 3 hours on it every evening and all weekend.

You need more help due to your disabilities and he absolutely cannot continue to ignore you and your needs....

He needs to do tasks...

He needs to nurture your relationship...

You need to have fun...

I would be demanding that unless he comes up with a proposal he cuts down his music /composing to x nights a week

[HappyHippy45]

I think a lot of you have missed the point here.
I don't object to him having a hobby. I think it's great that he is so passionate about something.
My opinion of whether he's any good at it or not is irrelevant.
I'm not so needy that he HAS to spend all evening sitting beside me. He needs time to himself......that time is now a significant chunk of the day.
What he has is an obsession that is taking over all aspects of his life. He prioritises it over everything.
He also doesn't do ANY housework unless explicitly asked to. He simply doesn't think about it or notice.
It's been 3 years since the house has been cleaned properly.
He says we can't afford a cleaner and I've just to tell him and ds what needs done. I do that. It still doesn't get done.

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

This is way beyond a normal hobby... It's taking ALL his time and it means he's no company and doesn't do a fair share of tasks....

Both would drive me mad...

I'm a muso.... I have music on ALL the time and think about it, and play lots... . But when dp is here... I get him to choose something different and we actually have fun.... What's the point in loving and living with someone and ignoring them??

[plaidlife]

Stop clearing up after him seriously. Ask him to do it then leave it for him. If you do it all he is learning is that you will step in and sort out his mess. If it drives you nuts go out.
I have got a wooden crate for each dc and dh, anything they leave lying around goes in it. When full they get asked to empty and put away. They don't do that I will bin it.
Look after yourself more.

[thatmustbenigelwiththebrie]

With my ex I used to joke there were three of us in the relationship a la Princess Di - him, me and his fuckingguitar. He used to just pick it up and play it all the time, and I'd just sit there like a lemon. On one memorable occasion he took it on a hike up Coniston Old Man and made me sit by a freezing tarn while he played. It was (a bit) endearing, as it was a real passion, but I did feel like a spare part.

[HappyHippy45]

We've tried composing together before. He mansplains everythin and I don't like his style😂 We just argue.
Over and above that, I don't have enough energy to sing........too busy spending it on clearing up after him

Example this morning:
I asked again if he could please keep on top of tidying up after his and adult ds dinner. (I make my own meals as on a special diet.).
I had to scrub their pans, load dishwasher, wipe kitchen counters (which were covered in food splatters etc) before I could make my breakfast.
I have limited energy so I will need some time to recover from this. I clean up after myself and don't expect them to do it.

His response was to get pissed off at me, ask if I'd spoken to our ds about it and played meanwhile his guitar.

[HappyHippy45]

I wasn't always disabled. I used to do pretty much all the housework and cooking and we ran a business together.
He has ALWAYS been keen about his music. (We used to be in a band years ago.)
It has turned in to an unhealthy obsession.
I used to write/record music too and I know how involved it can become. When I did, the jobs that needed done slipped........he noticed that and didn't accept it at all!
It's not just the 3 hours a day there's all the snippets added in too, like his music with morning coffee, everytime he sits down he plays the guitar....last night he watched GBBO (his choice of programme) with subtitles....so he could stick headphones on and listen to his music at the same time. He watches tv and plays guitar at the same time too.

Watching shit on TV is his choice...not mine. When I say shit tv, it's shit IMO.......each to their own and all that. Xfactor, Come dine with me etc are not really my thing but I watch them with him.

[Haahhpy]

I really don't understand these replies! Your husband wants to explore his passion for creating music, while you want him to sit and watch (by your own admission) shit telly. Why is nobody suggesting that you get on board and try getting invoked in his hobby instead of him sacrificing his creativity to sit in front of the bloody TV all evening?! You said you can sing, why not get involved yourself and spend time with him doing what he loves!?

[Flooffloof]

OP you must have my ex husband. So sorry, just throw him out. It's ok he is used to it.

When he was with me he did the exact same stuff, it used to drive me potty. I would go upstairs to read and he would shout up, do you like this riff or this riff, then play the exact same sound twice. He once got pissy because I wouldn't listen anymore and walked out.
Sigh, I don't miss him at all.

[MarcieBluebell]

This would drive me crazy. You have a partner for company... what good is he?!

I don't think it's a hobby but an obsession. It does make a difference he's not good because I've seen hobbies turned obsessions become delusions. Watching it is sooooo annoying.

On the chore front he's a man baby.

Lastly yes it must be hard for him that you're disabled but what about you? Surely if he was so concered he'd be wanting to help you out. He knows it annoys you but doesn't care less?

[hazell42]

I love people who are passionate about things. Better than people who spend 5 hours a night watching the telly.
You dont like his music. That's ok.
But why does he have to limit himself on that account?

[AjasLipstick]

Oh and don't forget honey please can you buzz the hoover around the house tomorrow on your day off


How about the man should be able to SEE when the carpet is dirty...and not NEED telling.'

Please....if YOU want to live your life, holding the hand of your adult partner and telling him what to do and when, then please....by all means go ahead Kathik but DON"T come on here advising others to do that.

[AjasLipstick]

Kathik are you for fecking REAL?? It's not OPs job to tell her DH when the bins need changing!!

He's not a bloody toddler! He's an ADULT! What's this bollocks about "Could you please do this sweetie?" How patronising!

Stop expecting him to automatically know what needs doing

WHY!???? Why shouldn't he know what needs doing!???

[acivilcontract]

OP I don't think you sound controlling at all. It is not surprising that you want to spend some time with your partner and want them to pull their weight around the house. Can you work out some kind of household rota, team tomm maybe. I get that he is a grown adult and should do stuff without needing to be told but he isn't. I would also suggest a night a week just for you as a couple. Hobbies are great but not when they take over everything or are used as a distraction from more important things like relationships and basically being an adult.

[Kathik]

God forbid your OH have a hobby and want to spend his spare time to relax how he wants.
Who cares if hes not any good, hes passionate about it - so you should be supportive!

As far as 'he doesnt pull his weight' have you tried actually asking him to do things, when he isnt in the middle of his hobby?
It takes 5 seconds to catch him whilst he's waiting for the kettle to boil and say 'hey can you take the bins out please sweetie?'.
Stop expecting him to automatically know what needs doing, and dont expect him to remember you reeling off a huge list at him either!
Ask him in the morning 'honey please can you buzz the hoover around the house tomorrow on your day off'.

And jesus, give the guy a break!
Sounds like hes the one working all the time - I think he's earned some time to relax however he wants to.

[Haahhpy]

I think you need to maybe put yourself in his shoes... It sounds like a difficult time for him as well with some pretty major adjustments to make. Sounds to me like he just desperately needs a distraction while some time passes and he adjusts. If all the cleaning and household chores are now going to fall to him since you have become disabled (very sorry to hear that OP) maybe you could have a discussion about whether you need some help like a cleaner because it is a lot to expect from just one person who is also working full time.

Also I really think you could be more supportive of what sounds like a real passion he has for this. He isn't playing gigs or embarrassing himself in front of a crowd so why do you feel the need to give him such a harsh reality check about his lack of talent? Maybe just appreciate the fact that he clearly loves this hobby and support him a bit.

It would however be reasonable to ask for one day a week or something where he doesn't do his hobby and you spend quality time together / get household jobs done.

[Maelstrop]

@Suttree are you on glue?! What is wrong with wanting your dh to spend quality time with you?? Did you miss the bit where the OP’s dh ignores her and puts in his headphones and doesn’t speak to her all evening?

[FoofOfTheWalkingDead]

WTF Suttree