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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be asked if my son was planned

98 replies

Hereiam1980 · 30/10/2018 15:12

I’ve got 2 children who are 19 months apart, the eldest being 3 and 1/2. Throughout the second pregnancy all I heard was ‘you didn’t wait long?’ with them eyeing my bump. After he was born, much the same... repeatedly being asked on an almost daily basis what the age gap is, only for the inevitable ‘bet your busy’, ‘you didn’t wait long’ comments. Well today I finally had enough, today after initial chit chat I was asked directly ‘was he an accident... was he planned’. To which I finally said ‘that’s very rude of you, do you want to ask anything else about my sex life?’ Only for her to take massive offence and react as if she were the one who had been offended. What would you have said if a stranger had asked you if your son was planned?!

OP posts:
MrTrebus · 30/10/2018 15:14

Good for you. Unbelievable that this was a stranger that said this as well! Shock what did she say in reply?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 30/10/2018 15:15

What would you have said if a stranger had asked you if your son was planned?!

Answered in a polite manner probably.

But that question would not bother me in the slightest.

Worriedmummybekind · 30/10/2018 15:17

It wouldn’t and doesn’t bother me (mine are all less than two year apart), they were planned. If you don’t want to ask the question then say so. I don’t think YABU to draw a boundary. It might have shocked the person because they may have come accross various people like me who wouldn’t be at all offended about the question and would launch happily into the thought processes and relative merits and ask the questions straight back!

Original poster
Hereiam1980 · 30/10/2018 15:20

I don’t think asking someone you’ve never met, never will see again to justify their choices publicly is appropriate. End. Of. Given that you never really know someone’s back story on a sensitive subject why would you ask, and expect an answer?

OP posts:
ButchyRestingFace · 30/10/2018 15:21

The question wouldn't bother me, I'm afraid. And the person really isn't asking about your sex life, so the response is a bit Confused.

That said, if the question did bother me, I'd probably say, "Yes. Why?"

0lgaDaPolga · 30/10/2018 15:23

I keep getting this, pregnant with my second, my older one is 17 months. It’s so rude and like you said, mainly from people I’ve never met before.

So many comments like you’ve been busy, don’t you have a tv, was it planned etc. So rude. I would never ask anyone if it was planned, it’s just none of anyone’s business!

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/10/2018 15:24

I suppose it's rude if you think not planning children is feckless and irresponsible. People are just making conversation because it's all a bit boring. And it's not really about sex so I would have thought you were strange for reacting like that.

Original poster
Hereiam1980 · 30/10/2018 15:27

Well I don’t really see how you can separate the 2 things, children are a result of unprotected sex... do asking if I had planned my son, or was he an ‘accident’ is bloody intrusive... given that we are strangers.

OP posts:
Weathergirl1 · 30/10/2018 15:27

I don't think you're BU at all. It's not dissimilar to people being intrusive and asking people when they're going to have a baby (or why they haven't had one yet) which again is asking about someone's sex life!

ConciseandNice · 30/10/2018 15:28

YANBU. When pregnant with my fifth I had a real rude fucker at a party,who’d never met me before, ask me if I knew how to use birth control.

ButchyRestingFace · 30/10/2018 15:29

YANBU. When pregnant with my fifth I had a real rude fucker at a party,who’d never met me before, ask me if I knew how to use birth control.

Hope you said, "yes, but obviously your parents didn't."

SwizzelsFizzers · 30/10/2018 15:30

YANBU. When pregnant with my fifth I had a real rude fucker at a party,who’d never met me before, ask me if I knew how to use birth control.

Environmentalist?

PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth · 30/10/2018 15:30

When I was pregnant with DD1, she's 14m younger than DS1, the lollipop lady said, "Tell your husband to tie a knot in it!" Shock

Original poster
Hereiam1980 · 30/10/2018 15:30

And for the record, yes he was very much planned and not an accident!! The implication is that such a small gap was a result of an ‘accident’ because presumably they wouldn’t have chosen it. I just think maybe don’t ask people you don’t know these questions when you can’t be sure of the answer...

OP posts:
PoesyCherish · 30/10/2018 15:31

It would bother me tbh. It's basically asking if you're having / had regular unprotected sex. It's a deeply personal thing and I think it's a rude question to ask unless you're really close to that person and know they won't take offence (I once asked a friend but only because we had that sort of relationship. I would just respond with "if you mean have I been having regular unprotected sex with my DP then yes / no (depends if planned obviously)"

Well done for responding how you did.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/10/2018 15:32

Different from stating something like, " Bet they're a handful!" Or, " You must have forgotten what a good night's sleep is".
Whereas
Was he an accident, was he planned?
seems intrusive to me.

ConciseandNice · 30/10/2018 15:33

SwizzelsFizzers funnily enough, no. As a vegan family and members of the Green Party (sad but true) I know for a fact that our carbon footprint is less than hers (I later learnt a lot more about her).

ButchyRestingFace sadly not. I wish I had. Everyone was ver embarrassed though and the silence was classic.

ArfArfBarf · 30/10/2018 15:34

I love making chit chat about all of my children but that question is just rude and a bit judgemental.

Ginseng1 · 30/10/2018 15:34

I used to get this when I was pregnant with dc3 after 7yr gap & I was 43. I just used to laugh it off. People don't think or they are just curious/nosy no big deal to me!

bumblenbean · 30/10/2018 15:37

Yep I get this all the time as my two DC’s are only 11 months apart. I don’t mind it from friends and family but when a stranger asked if my husband and I would now sleep in separate beds forevermore to prevent any more I was a bit Hmm. Generally though it’s best to take with a pinch of salt; people usually don’t think these things through ...

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 30/10/2018 15:39

I completely agree with what you said @hereiamagain1980 and I’m gearing up for the same utter BS come the end of the year when I’m showing (14w).

My DS was born 20mo after DD and all going well DC3 will be 20mo after DS. I fully expect the “b-b-b-but why? You already have a boy and a girl”.

[practises shit eye in the mirror].

PinkHeart5914 · 30/10/2018 15:43

19 months is a standard age age so no idea why people said you didn’t wait long Confused most people that want more than 1dc tend to have them close together rather than years apart!

My oldest 2 are 11 months apart then I had another so ended up with 3 under 3.

Why people ever asked if a baby was planned is beyond me? Even if it was an accident, once someone has announced the pregnancy or the baby is here why does it even matter?

Areyoufree · 30/10/2018 15:44

It's an extremely personal question - I don't know why people seem to think that it's okay to ask shit like this. I remember after my daughter was born, a man came round to service the boiler. He saw the baby, and asked me how I gave birth (i.e. c-section etc) - I was so close to answering "I pushed her out of my vagina." just to shut him up.

People also think it is okay to ask very young mothers if their children were planned - because obviously no one under the age of 25 is allowed to decide to have a baby. I thought your answer was perfect - might make her think next time!

anitagreen · 30/10/2018 15:49

I had this same bullshit I really hated it! My children are same ages, I was pregnant again before my dd first birthday.
In the end I ended up saying to someone something very rude can't remember what it was, but I'd had enough by that point

anitagreen · 30/10/2018 15:50

When dm was out with us all ( I'm oldest of 6). I remember people making jokes that we didn't have a tv and thought it was strange because we did have one