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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be asked if my son was planned

98 replies

Hereiam1980 · 30/10/2018 15:12

I’ve got 2 children who are 19 months apart, the eldest being 3 and 1/2. Throughout the second pregnancy all I heard was ‘you didn’t wait long?’ with them eyeing my bump. After he was born, much the same... repeatedly being asked on an almost daily basis what the age gap is, only for the inevitable ‘bet your busy’, ‘you didn’t wait long’ comments. Well today I finally had enough, today after initial chit chat I was asked directly ‘was he an accident... was he planned’. To which I finally said ‘that’s very rude of you, do you want to ask anything else about my sex life?’ Only for her to take massive offence and react as if she were the one who had been offended. What would you have said if a stranger had asked you if your son was planned?!

OP posts:

ohello · 31/10/2018 06:38

I used to know the nicest, sweetest lady. Who was having twins and was as big as a house even at 5 months. This super sweet lady who wouldn't hurt a fly started wearing a tshirt which had enormous letters on the front: DON'T TOUCH MY BELLY

TurkeyBear · 31/10/2018 06:46

People are most likely asking if the baby is planned because they dont want to say "Congratulations!" if you might not be all that happy about it. It's not rocket science to understand basic conversational behaviours and phrasing

They weren't asking to be a bloody gossip were they. Christ.

AJPTaylor · 31/10/2018 06:53

I say congratulations to anyone who announces a pregnancy. And offer no further comment unless invited.

JassyRadlett · 31/10/2018 07:00

It's not rocket science to understand basic conversational behaviours and phrasing hmm

It’s not rocket science to understand that as conversation with anyone but a close friend, this is pretty poor. It’s asking for very personal details about someone’s pregnancy and the decisions and actions taken to achieve it. It’s very, very bad small talk.

They weren't asking to be a bloody gossip were they. Christ.

They were. They wanted to know if she was intentionally using contraception or not. Is she careful or careless?

‘Congratulations’ is fine. ‘Oh how lovely’ is fine. Even the more negative ‘you’ll be busy!’ is fine. ‘Did he wear a condom?’ (even if veiled) is less fine.

dulcefarniente · 31/10/2018 07:19

I had a few people tell me to my face I was too old to be having a baby. I just said "my body doesn't think so".

Their comments were entirely based on the fact they would have felt too old so assumed I should be feeling the same way and needed to be told as I clearly hadn't been able to work it out for myself.

Proving them wrong over the subsequent years has really been the best response

Original poster

Hereiam1980 · 31/10/2018 07:36

@pictish @takemetovegas

No I didn’t actually tell her anything about my sex life as that would be weird, it was intended more as a warning that she was crossing a line. Did she want me to admit I hadn’t planned my son (we had) infront of his sister (who does listen and ask questions)
I think this proves the point that whilst some aren’t that fussed if they are asked by strangers there are more than enough to find that intrusive...simply writing it off as ‘ah it’s just chit chat’ I still find nutty, why would you expect someone you don’t know to answer something so personal as a way of making small talk?!
When asked if she wanted to discuss my sex life she was shocked, and yet wasn’t she just doing that?! Another person who seems to have separated sex and babies.

OP posts:

Armygirl · 31/10/2018 07:37

I’m having my 4th at age 39 and my youngest is 7. I had one girl ask me if this was planned and I found it really offensive! I really don’t get how that is anyone’s business!
I think you responded correctly OP!

Original poster

Hereiam1980 · 31/10/2018 07:39

@jassyradlett thank you, no it’s not rocket science, ‘is your son an accident?’ That’s a conversation that will always go well with a stranger right 🤣🤣

OP posts:

Dollymixture22 · 31/10/2018 08:18

Miss manners always says answer intrusive questions with w puzzles look and ‘why do you ask’ it works every time

You response also worked - just a bit more confrontational.

It’s a ride question.

My friend is pregnant with triplets - she is regularly asked if she used IVF. She asks the erosion why they want to know and they usually get embarrassed and change the subject.

Dollymixture22 · 31/10/2018 08:19

*rude question

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 31/10/2018 08:26

Please give me the name of the brand of glue you’re on @TurkeyBear

Silversun83 · 31/10/2018 09:10

Have an age gap of just under 22 months (now 2yr5m and 7 months) and thankfully never had the "was it planned?" question whilst pregnant.

Rudest response when telling people I was pregnant with DC2 was quite possibly from PIL.. The announcement was met with absolute stony silence and then when I decided to confess my worry about coping with two under two, was not offered reassurance but almost judgemental agreement! The best bit however was when my DH suggested that DC1 was going to love it, to which MIL replied, "She won't."

When out and about with both I am asked quite frequently how old they are and I always think the question is coming from a place of judgement. (Probably from my own insecurity as the age gap was smaller than planned - basically DC1 took around a year to conceive whereas it took all of about 20 minutes to conceive DC2 ) However most of the time the person asking chimes in with "Oh, my two are 17 months apart, it is soo hard in the beginning but so worth it X years down the line when they play together and I can just sit back!" So I've found that smaller age gaps seem to come with great solidarity from others

But anyway, bit of a long-winded way of saying no, YANBU!

SuperLambBananas · 31/10/2018 10:34

@conciseandnice

unless she has four meat-eating children, how is she managing to have a heavier carbon footprint than producing five children? Vegan or otherwise. Green party membership doesn't counteract it

PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth · 31/10/2018 11:11

Dinos I used to get asked constantly if DS1 and DD1 were twins. Then even my own DF thought DD1 was older.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 31/10/2018 11:16

It is intrusive. I am struggling to believe the people that are not bothered. It's basically asking about your sex life and views on abortion etc! I'd maybe ask a good friend if it came up in conversation but no way I'd ever just launch into subjects like that with someone I didn't know very well - it's just not anyone else's business and is far from a flippant comment about lack of sleep etc!

I think I'd just say 'that's quite a personal question, why do you ask'

overagain · 31/10/2018 11:23

AmIRightOrAMeringue I don't see it as asking about my sex life. I'm married and pregnant, it can be assumed I'm having sex! Baby wasn't planned, and I'm ok with that, and ok telling people that and also explaining how I was one and done but things happen. But I'm a very open person generally.

0lgaDaPolga · 31/10/2018 11:43

@silversun83 I am pregnant with my second and ds1 is 17 months and I get the feeling a lot of the ‘what will your gap be?’ questions are coming from a place of judgement too. Like you it was planned but took a lot less time to conceive than anticipated! I’d say about 50% of the time people say something nice and positive, the other 50% of the time it’s something like ‘rather you than me’, ‘oh god that’s a small gap’ or ‘did you plan that?!’

Halloweenallyearround · 31/10/2018 11:45

Some people are so CF!
I remember introducing my self to my new college class, and they were allowed to ask questions.
And one asked ' do both you dc have the same dad!'
I was like WTF. Lucky I had my best friend with me, but I got it all the time.
Funny thing is I was married, and yes.

enjoy you dc, I don't think
I've ever heard anyone say that to someone when they are older.
My uncle are less then a year a part and I don't think Oh Nanny was at it.

reforder · 31/10/2018 13:47

Mine are 15 months apart and I’ve actually been very surprised at how little I’m asked questions about their age/were they planned etc. etc.

Then again, I live in the country that the term “Irish twins” is attributed to so perhaps people here aren’t as shocked by small age gaps!

YANBU OP I wouldn’t like that either

YellowStickies · 31/10/2018 14:03

I wish I had the balls to give the same response, well done OP!!

sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch · 31/10/2018 20:58

I only have one. He is 7 months. I find that people are already "advising" me to have another quickly. Apparently they will play together and I will be able to take them to the same activities. It might be relevant that, like a PP, I am from Northern Ireland .

I know lots of people with very small age gaps. Now that I have a baby, I realise the hard work that is involved and I admire them for coping so well. I would never dream of passing comment though. I think that is rude. I would mostly ask how they are getting on etc. in the course of a conversation.

girlsyearapart · 31/10/2018 21:03

Yes its very annoying. We had four under four ( just!) and people said that a lot.

They seemed to be a bit put out when you answered yes they were all planned..

DS is the youngest and the only boy and I also have lots of comments about how I must be glad I got a boy so I can stop etc

Really nice for my three girls to hear that

Bowerbird5 · 31/10/2018 22:33

My friend had four under four just. Eldest was Jan birthday and youngest Dec. She was a marvellous young mum. She went on to be a midwife.

I had it too but for the opposite reason I have two then gaps of five then six years.Someone at work asked me ( thought they might be different fathers) and then wished she hadn’t when I turned around and told her I had three miscarriages. People ask me if we were trying for a girl because we had three boys and a girl. Er no I just wanted four. I was one of five girls and I lost my first sister at birth.

I don’t know why people need to comment. A lovely young mum and dad had one a year x6 they are beautifully turned out for church and I sometimes see her taking them to school. They are lovely children and a credit to their parents.

I think it is rude too and somedays you’ve just had enough. Bet she thinks twice next time.

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