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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be asked if my son was planned

98 replies

Hereiam1980 · 30/10/2018 15:12

I’ve got 2 children who are 19 months apart, the eldest being 3 and 1/2. Throughout the second pregnancy all I heard was ‘you didn’t wait long?’ with them eyeing my bump. After he was born, much the same... repeatedly being asked on an almost daily basis what the age gap is, only for the inevitable ‘bet your busy’, ‘you didn’t wait long’ comments. Well today I finally had enough, today after initial chit chat I was asked directly ‘was he an accident... was he planned’. To which I finally said ‘that’s very rude of you, do you want to ask anything else about my sex life?’ Only for her to take massive offence and react as if she were the one who had been offended. What would you have said if a stranger had asked you if your son was planned?!

OP posts:

AlpineButterfly · 30/10/2018 15:52

My two are currently nearly.one and nearly two. I get the 'hands full' comment but that's it. 12m age ga

5BlindMice · 30/10/2018 15:53

I have a 2 year age gap then an 8 year gap til the next one. While pregnant with Dc3 I must’ve been asked by over 10 (mainly strangers) if he was planned as it was such a big gap.

He wasn’t, and I laughed it off and told them that. Obviously none of their business but it didn’t bother me at all saying he was a happy surprise - or ‘bonus’ baby. But then I didn’t get offended when people commented on the size of my bump or babies, but from what I’ve read on here lots do.

ladycarlotta · 30/10/2018 15:54

oh, I hate this. I'm pregnant with my first and am astounded at the number of people who've asked if it was an accident. My partner and I are in our early 30s, have been together for yonks, are buying a house etc - how is it surprising we might have a baby?
And whether or not bub was planned, surely the fact we're continuing the pregnancy, excitedly discussing names, flaunting scans etc, shows that she is very wanted. I don't understand what asking the question even achieves.

NKFell · 30/10/2018 15:56

It is a funny question to ask a stranger but mainly because I wonder why they're curious, it's not something I would consider!

@ConciseandNice I got asked about birth control when pregnant with fourth and it filled me with rage! Also someone I work with asked if I'd "worked out what's causing it".

ModreB · 30/10/2018 16:06

I had this both ways, DS1 & 2 are almost exactly 2 years apart, and I got the "Oh, no telly then" etc. No, we just wanted our DC's to be close together.

I then had a 7 and 9 year gap for DS3 and got the "Oh a suprise baby?" Again, no as DS2 had complex health needs when he was very small, so we waited until he was not under weekly medical appointments before trying for another.

The best comment about DS3 was from my not so DMIL, who, when told about the 3rd pregnancy annonced "I thought you should have been over all that sex stuff." DH was 34yo and I was 32yo at the time.

BTW, she had 5 of her own.

overagain · 30/10/2018 16:10

I think YABU. People are just making conversation. I don't mind when people ask and I tell them the truth.

spidey66 · 30/10/2018 16:10

TBH ''keeping you busy'' is something I'd say. I certainly don't mean it in an offensive way, just chit-chat really.

I don't think I've ever asked ''was it planned'' though, and can only imagine doing so to a very close friend/family member.

ConciseandNice · 30/10/2018 16:10

Oh my God NKFell, what did you say? A penis?

Mrsglitterfairy · 30/10/2018 16:11

Oh I heard it all when I was pregnant with my first DS. I was 21, been with my dp (now dh) for 2 years, lived together for a year and the horror on people’s faces when I told them I was pregnant was amazing!
I was asked everything from

What you gonna do?’ (Celebrate)
Have you told dp yet? (Didn’t need to, we did the test together)
What did your mum & dad day? (Congratulations)
Was it planned? (Yes, very much so)

People can be very ignorant and just like to judge others. Ignore them all

JheronimusBosch · 30/10/2018 16:14

It's mostly just small talk tbh. Wouldn't bother me at all. Happens all the time, things people say as automatically because it's just a thing people say.

MNers in general do have a very low tolerance for small talk though.

KnucklestheEchidna · 30/10/2018 16:17

Wouldn't bother me.

NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 30/10/2018 16:20

I would probably respond in a similar way, unless it was a family member, my family is weird in that almost everyone knows almost everything about everyone's lives and there is no topic that isn't dinner table conversation BUT a stranger asking about my sex life and if I'd planned to have my child I'd not respond particularly well. Asking if I was planning to have one would be fine, implying my child was an accident or mistake would annoy me.

I also can't separate the fact that children and their conception is a direct consequence of my sex life and therefore nothing to do with strangers or people I have no desire to share information with. My sex life is not small talk

PosiePerkinandPootle · 30/10/2018 16:20

A lot of this kind of thing is idle chit chat, people don't actually think about what they are saying or implying any more than if they say "ooh terrible weather isn't it". If it was a complete stranger I'd probably have shrugged it off. However when it was my mil who didn't even ask, but assumed that we'd had a "happy accident" seeing as we already had one of each, and proceeded to tell everyone I did put her right that no 3 was much planned and wanted.

MatildaTheCat · 30/10/2018 16:22

It is a bit rude although someone could be simply asking what prompted you to choose a smallish gap vs a longer one. Comments regarding being busy and having your hands full are normal pleasantries and if that’s offensive or annoying it makes people like me worry what we can say.

After giving birth to my second son someone asked, ‘Are you very disappointed?’ He was less than a week old and I’d never, ever expressed a preference. Yes, I was very offended and annoyed.

Satsumaeater · 30/10/2018 16:26

It is small talk but on the other hand one thing I have learnt from MN is how many women suffer from fertility issues. Making comments about larger age gaps is insensitive because it's not that easy to plan these things. A couple might have had their first child and their second very easily and the neat and tidy 2 years apart and then tried for years to have a third.

Really, it's better if people just keep quiet.

Anyway today there was an article on the news saying women over 35 should wait 18 months between pregnancies (I actually thought this was recommended for all, as I was told you should wait a year after breastfeeding to give your body a rest - so if you breastfeed for the recommended 6 months and wait a year, you'll have at least 18 months between pregnancies.

Goostacean · 30/10/2018 16:30

I was asked this by a female coworker who was new to the company and I’d met twice before. I think I answered truthfully because I think it’s important to be open about baby stuff- far too many women suffer in silence in many ways throughout pregnancy and after the birth. BUT I was quite outraged that she felt it was a suitable question! Especially as I was young and junior (as was she) so I felt it was a comment on how seriously I take my job.

In future, if I’m pregnant again and get asked, I think I’ll just go really wide-eyed, laugh in a surprised fashion and say “gosh, that’s a rather personal question...!” - and leave it hanging.

Original poster

Hereiam1980 · 30/10/2018 16:30

I’ve accepted ‘you must be busy’ comments as by the by and no I’m not irritated by them- bored, however, yes! It’s the was he an ‘accident/ did you plan him’ this to me is not ‘chit chat’ discussing something so personal and intrusive and expecting to get away with it is frankly bonkers!! My children are with me in the buggy and you think this is ok?? How can this be on the same level as discussing the weather as a way of passing the time? How in-depth would you expect a response in a fleeting encounter? Why would you assume this was an ok thing to ask?

OP posts:

Tadda · 30/10/2018 16:40

Oh thank you! I really was getting a complete complex that this was just me being over sensitive but I'm getting this ALL THE TIME!

My DD is (just) 14 months and DD2 is due in 8 weeks, so they'll be 15/16 months apart.

It actually started with my GP who when I told I was pregnant, she asked 'How did I feel about it?.....?? When I said 'Er, she was planned, we're happy' I got a shocked 'Really...?'.What did she expect me to say?? 'We're gutted'!!??....but It's been constant ever since -

I can't count the times the 'was it planned question?' question has been asked...I was a little offended by the 'are you on fertility treatment' comment...there's been so many tho.

From staring to whispering (loudly - 'that's soon, she's pregnant, her little one can't even be 1....' ) in the docs last week - and the stranger comments! Usually from checkout ladies - but I'll seriously be glad when little one is here now!

Then bring on the 'how old are they' comments and 'that's close'...

Original poster

Hereiam1980 · 30/10/2018 16:48

@Tadda
That’s awful!! I’m so sorry this is happening to you, I just think that really people should leave this off the table for ‘chit chat’whay with politics, weather, Halloween... local stuff surely there are other things to comment on?!

OP posts:

Puggles123 · 30/10/2018 16:51

People ask me this, and I think how bloody rude! I’d never dream of asking someone that, but we are all different I guess.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 30/10/2018 16:52

Wait for the tone deaf and culturally insensitive reference to “Irish Twins”

Yes, that had me rolling in the aisles so it did

PosiePerkinandPootle · 30/10/2018 17:20

I'm sorry OP I didn't mean to minimise any further. If people ask something so personal they should take whatever answer you want to give from what the fuck has that got to do with you through to a non comittal shrug/smile to sit down, how long have you got, let me tell you my entire gynaecological history. I don't know what it is about pregnancy that some people think is carte blanche to say what they like, don't get me started on the ones that think it's ok to pat you

awesmum · 30/10/2018 17:36

I think the worst I was ever asked was after 2 DC 19 months apart then a gap of 5 years with DD from someone asking 'Do they have the same dad?' Er Fluff off you CW! (They all do)

MrsStrowman · 30/10/2018 17:37

I was asked this about my first because I fell very quickly after getting married, I go for one of two very direct answers depending on how much I want them to squirm, either 'I've been diagnosed with fertility issues and had been told I wouldn't be able to conceive without invasive intervention, so actually i had come off the pill in preparation for further tests, treatment and potentially IVF later in the year, we were very very fortunate that we conceived without that, it's a very personal thing conception that lots of people struggle with, isn't it? ' OR ' well if you can call lots of rampant shagging without any contraception planning, I guess so...' . I realise this is very passive aggressive.

Skylucy · 30/10/2018 17:47

I'm getting this all the time - I'm currently overdue with my second, and my first is 20 months. A neighbour who I barely ever speak to beyond "Morning!" actually came up to me to ask whether the pregnancy was planned!

It is incredibly rude. And also a bit odd...it's not that small a gap really! I had so many comments about it that I started pre-empting them with "ooh yes I know I'll have my hands full" etc...until a friend of a friend mentioned there were 10 months between her eldest kids! And no, I didn't ask if that was deliberate.

To be fair though...this much- anticipated second baby was indeed an accident!

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