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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be asked if my son was planned

98 replies

Hereiam1980 · 30/10/2018 15:12

I’ve got 2 children who are 19 months apart, the eldest being 3 and 1/2. Throughout the second pregnancy all I heard was ‘you didn’t wait long?’ with them eyeing my bump. After he was born, much the same... repeatedly being asked on an almost daily basis what the age gap is, only for the inevitable ‘bet your busy’, ‘you didn’t wait long’ comments. Well today I finally had enough, today after initial chit chat I was asked directly ‘was he an accident... was he planned’. To which I finally said ‘that’s very rude of you, do you want to ask anything else about my sex life?’ Only for her to take massive offence and react as if she were the one who had been offended. What would you have said if a stranger had asked you if your son was planned?!

OP posts:

BackBoiler · 30/10/2018 17:47

Someone repeatedly asked me at a bbq whilst pregnant with DC3 if we has a tv (he was pissed). In the end I said "Yes we do and watch porn...that's the problem!" I didn't hear a peep after that!

FlosCampi · 30/10/2018 18:12

A lot of excellent responses from people! I got this with my children with a 17th month age gap. Perhaps a laugh while shaking your head saying "That's so rude and personal!". Or, as I was tempted, but never dared, become very confidential and say, with a hand on their arm, "I'm so glad you asked. My husband can't help ejaculating in my vagina because I give such a tight grip, and of course I always have my legs right over his shoulders, and his penis is long, so his semen just spurt in through my cervix like nobody's business, plus I'm so wet I honestly can't tell if he has ejaculated or not! But accidents happen don't they? "

Oldraver · 30/10/2018 18:19

I've got 19.5 years between my two....You can see peoples mind whurring

TheBigFatMermaid · 30/10/2018 18:23

There is a year and 2 weeks between my two youngest. Yes, I got a lot of 'You've got your hands full', to which I usually replied 'Yes, but that's better than having them empty'.

Never once did I get asked if DS was planned though. That would have shocked me.

I did get asked if they had the same Dad once, which made me laugh and reply 'Bloody hell, I may be a quick worker, but that would be going some, with the close age gap'.

NKFell · 31/10/2018 00:22

@ConciseandNice I should’ve! I was too shocked so I did a surprised face followed by a grimace. Just sooo rude!

DramaAlpaca · 31/10/2018 00:50

I got asked a few times if DC2 was planned, as he is 16 months younger than his brother (he was, just happened quicker than expected).

I found a raised eyebrow and an exaggerated 'excuuuuse me?' response tended to shut down any further rude enquiries.

PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth · 31/10/2018 03:51

Another one: DF (white), me (white, 18), then DSM (black) and DSSis (mixed race, 5), in a hotel restaurant in Kent. You could see people trying to work out the family relationships.

PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth · 31/10/2018 04:03

Mrsglitter 21 isn't young! I had DS1 when I was 23! That used to be average! Now, if you'd been 14...

flumpybear · 31/10/2018 04:13

Honestly, I suspect people are just engaging in conversation

PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth · 31/10/2018 04:22

Yes, but they're actually asking if you had unprotected sex flumpy. That's rude. Why would I tell someone I'd just met in the post office. Along with "She's hungry." Yes, thanks, I'm half way round the supermarket, I'll feed her afterwards. Don't you think I'm stressed enough? I should have got over it, my youngest is 7.

lovetherisingsun · 31/10/2018 04:23

Mine are close together and strange men, after asking him if they're all his (!) Will then CONGRATULATE him on his virility/"ability" to get me pregnant. It's gross. One old guy actually directly said "Wow your husband must be amazing in bed!". So innapropriate.

TidaQuel · 31/10/2018 05:10

I got asked this so many times too when my 3 were little. Very rude.
Once I had a lady rush up to me to gawp into my buggy ‘oh’ she said excitedly ‘are they triplets?’
I explained that no, they weren’t and she pulled a face and tutted and said ‘oh how disappointing’.
I’d obviously had a pretty tough day because I launched into why my children could never be described as disappointing and how very rude she was.....

brookshelley · 31/10/2018 05:19

As an anecdotal alternative, I met a mum in the park whose children were 12 months apart. After initial introductions she explained that the second baby wasn’t planned, she was knackered, and that I should be careful and make sure to have 2 years between at least. It was very awkward but clearly she felt she needed to unload some emotions!

Takemetovegas · 31/10/2018 05:30

Wouldn't worry me 🤷‍♀️.

I think YABU. There are plenty of ways to head off questions that you don't want to answer without being rude, personal or not.

I wonder why it gets to you so much? You're an adult and know that talking about your pregnancy(s) doesn't mean you have to launch into the nitty gritty of your sex life. At least I hope you do?

Tadda · 31/10/2018 05:43

@Takemetovegas it's just constant tho!

It's also not so much the 'what's the age difference' type questions that get to me personally - if that was just simply followed by a 'congrats' or 'how nice they'll be so close'....something complementary....but it always seems to end in a 'shock, horror, how will you cope or derogatory intrusive sex life questions '.

I've had a complete stranger telling me 'I wouldn't have even dreamed of having sex so soon after'....Well thanks for sharing but that must make me a right slag then!?!

nervousseacreature · 31/10/2018 05:50

Mine are 12 months and 2 weeks apart. The checkout lady at the supermarket asked me if dc2 was planned when I was pregnant. I was so shocked I sort of spluttered ‘no’ and went bright red. I felt it was very rude especially from a stranger

Gizzymum · 31/10/2018 06:00

My neighbour asked me the same question - I've a 14mth gap - and when I said he was planned her response was "well I guess you'll just have to deal with it won't you". The initial question didn't bother me, but her response did 😡

AJPTaylor · 31/10/2018 06:14

By contrast, we were blessed with dc3 after a 10 year gap and I was 39. I was astounded at the number of people who thought it appropriate to ask if it was planned ( yes, I am 39 I know how contraception works), if the all had the same father!( happily married for 15 years) and I bet you are praying for a boy.
My dh when he was asked by a chuffing hospital consultant if it was planned looked him in the eye and said "played for and won".Never loved him more!
What I wanted to say was " there is a 10 year age gap for reasons too complex and sad to ever explain to you. We are ecstatic to be having a third baby and stop ruining it/jinxing it with your stupid comments.

McPie · 31/10/2018 06:25

I have had the 'were they an accident' question a few times mainly because there is 5 1/2 years between ds1 and dtwins.
My 'yes and no, that one was planned but the other just tagged along for fun' didn't go down well! Thats what you get if you ask stupid questions to a stranger in Tesco!
The worst one was the lady who asked if they had the same dad! I'm took that to imply that I was an uber fertile bed hopper

pictish · 31/10/2018 06:28

I have a small gap of 13 months between ds2 and dd. When ds2 was 5 months old I realised I was pg again. We had discussed having a third but didn’t think it would happen so soon! She wasn’t planned as such but she is very welcome.

I got all the same statements and questions as you. It didn’t bother me in the slightest. I didn’t make any secret of the fact that I fell pg with no.3 unexpectedly either.

“You’ve got your hands full!”
“Yup!”

“You’ll be kept busy!”
“I am, yes.”

“You didn’t wait long?”
“This one was a delightful surprise. ”

Etc...

No idea what you’re getting so offended about. People like to chat about babies. They don’t actually care...it’s just something to say.
Your response in which you called someone rude and referred to your sex life was rather outlandish. Chill out!

DinosApple · 31/10/2018 06:29

The midwife asked if DC2 was planned. It flustered me and I said no. But she was planned . We'd been TTC for 3 months and we're aiming for a 15 month gap.

My usual answer to randoms was 'Oh yes, we actually wanted them even closer.'. It didn't make me cross though, because I was too knackered to care .

That sort of stuff finishes once one is at school. When they're both at school you get asked if they're twins instead.

gamerwidow · 31/10/2018 06:32

19 months isn’t even that small a gap. Very rude I hope the person questioning you has learnt their lesson.

ghostlygal · 31/10/2018 06:34

I hate it when people ask of the baby is planned or not. It's no ones business. I'd have told her fuck off.

WhipItGood · 31/10/2018 06:36

Pregnancy just does attract banal comments because babies or being visibly pregnant makes you more noticeable and sort of fair game for a while on the comments (and worse, advice) front it seems.

People say all kinds of daft things without really wanting an answer or engaging their brain first. What they expect back are equally banal stock replies.

It’s supposed to be lighthearted banter even though some days it grinds your teeth to dust as you respond to an ‘original’ quip for the tenth time.

Whiskeyjar · 31/10/2018 06:36

As rude as it is to ask that, I don't understand why you responded re your sex life. Not really what they are asking so I find that a bit weird but I would have also been annoyed at their question. I would probably have responded with 'that's a bit of a rude question!'

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