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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DD's attitude is a bit off...

93 replies

definitelymaybe8 · 29/10/2018 15:55

My 22 yo DD has just ended a 3 year relationship a few weeks ago and is back on the swipey app.
She is perfectly honest says she doesn't want a relationship just to date guys...OK fine....she is planning her 2nd date with one and tells me she won't be home for the night as he's booked a hotel. He's sending her messages implying this and she is fine in fact encouraging it.
I am OK with it but am about concerned for her safety as she tells me it's a 'surprise' so she has no idea where she is going. If her Dad knows he will not be best pleased and take it out on he as I will be condoning it but after all she is 22, a grown woman....
Is this the norm or what?

OP posts:
MrsStrowman · 29/10/2018 15:56

It's her call and I doubt it's unusual, ask her for your piece of mind just to text you where she is going as soon as she knows

HollowTalk · 29/10/2018 15:57

Oh no, she can't spend a night with someone she doesn't know and not have him tell her where she's going to! That's insane!

Tell her father immediately, if she'll listen to him.

Original poster
definitelymaybe8 · 29/10/2018 15:58

She won't listen to her dad, it will be another huge row I can see it now and as per I'll be in the middle!

OP posts:
HavelockVetinari · 29/10/2018 15:59

Get her to make sure she knows exactly where she's going ahead of time, and make sure she texts you when she's there (and that she lets the guy know she's done so). She's being incredibly cavalier with her safety!

Original poster
definitelymaybe8 · 29/10/2018 15:59

She's been on one date, they are messaging each other all the time...

OP posts:
HavelockVetinari · 29/10/2018 15:59

The surprise thing is very dodgy indeed, this man is a complete stranger.

Original poster
definitelymaybe8 · 29/10/2018 16:00

I agree she is being cavalier.....but she wants it to be a surprise, this guy has dollar as he is a professional and she likes the idea, I don't, if her dad finds out her intentions he'll have a fit

OP posts:
WithAFaeryHandInHand · 29/10/2018 16:00

The “it’s a surprise” bit is Hmm. If she has any sense she would insist he tell her beforehand. Has she even met him? She sounds like she has no wit or low self worth - that is dangerous. I couldn’t give a shiny shite about meeting someone for sex, but going to a surprise location with someone she’s met on the Internet is frankly stupid,

HavelockVetinari · 29/10/2018 16:01

One date means he's still a stranger. Just because she's 22 and not a child any more doesn't mean she should ignore stranger danger.

MaMaMaMySharona · 29/10/2018 16:01

I'd definitely be concerned - as PP suggested, ask her to send you the details of where she's staying when she knows. It would be foolish for her to spend the night with someone she barely knows when no one else knows where she is. If she doesn't want to tell you, ask her to tell a close friend instead.

WithAFaeryHandInHand · 29/10/2018 16:01

X post. She’s met him once...? Hmmmm slightly better, but I’d still insist on knowing where I was going if I was her. I don’t like surprises though.

HavelockVetinari · 29/10/2018 16:02

And it's none of her dad's business that she's having sex, as long as she does so safely it's nothing to do with him.

Original poster
definitelymaybe8 · 29/10/2018 16:03

Agree with all you have said but how can I convince her, at her age she thinks she can conquer the world is a bit sassy and feels she knows him well enough after one date and 3 weeks of messages.
I can't talk to my friends because I am embarrassed of her attitude.

OP posts:
WithAFaeryHandInHand · 29/10/2018 16:05

I don’t think you can convince her tbh, but do as pps suggest and ask her to text you the name of the hotel when she gets there. I had to do this for my best friend who met someone for a casual hook up. I was panicking because he didn’t know the person who’s flat he was going to. So he texted me the address as soon as he got it. It was fine, but just a sensible precaution.

NerrSnerr · 29/10/2018 16:05

If you tell her dad who goes in all guns blazing that'll be the last time she tells you anything of this nature.

Havaina · 29/10/2018 16:05

It sounds like a bad idea to me too but surely it makes no difference if she is in his flat or a hotel? A hotel might be safer. She should know where she is going so you or a friend know where she is in case anything happens.

Why will her dad take it out on you? Doesn't sound like a great dad?

WithAFaeryHandInHand · 29/10/2018 16:07

*whose

MrsJayy · 29/10/2018 16:07

I have 20 something Dds they can still be a worry.

She is z grown woman in charge of her own love life least she is telling you and by telling you she is keeping herself safe as she can keep the communication going she can tell you where she is. Her dad doesn't need to know or approve of her life either.

Original poster
definitelymaybe8 · 29/10/2018 16:07

I will try to convince her to do this...in the very least and wait for the fall out the day after with her dad.
He'll say she's only had one other date how could she....

OP posts:
WithAFaeryHandInHand · 29/10/2018 16:08

How could she what? Have sex with him? ODFOD - to her dad.

GreenTulips · 29/10/2018 16:10

Can you puts Snapchat if you phone and follow on snap maps

Just for her safety

Elasticity · 29/10/2018 16:10

She's an adult, free to do what she wants, especially outside of your home.

Have a chat with her about keeping safe. Why not suggest that she drops you a text when she knows the hotel name/location so you'd know where to ask about her if something were to happen (it won't! this is just a fun date and hookup - again her choice, she is an ADULT).

GreenTulips · 29/10/2018 16:10

Oh and have a safe work she can text

'Fine' means get me now
Ok means I'm happy

Etc

NerrSnerr · 29/10/2018 16:11

Why would there be fallout with her dad? I think your daughter needs to stop sharing this stuff with you- especially as you say you're embarrassed by her, is that just because she might have sex with a new man?

TheViceOfReason · 29/10/2018 16:12

Once she arrives at the hotel ask her to call you and leave a voicemail saying the guys name and the name of the hotel and what time she will definitely be home by.

Once she is home you simply delete the message without listening.

If you don't hear from her by the allotted time, you listen to the message and call the hotel.

Worth suggesting it to her.