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To think my DD's attitude is a bit off...

93 replies

definitelymaybe8 · 29/10/2018 15:55

My 22 yo DD has just ended a 3 year relationship a few weeks ago and is back on the swipey app.
She is perfectly honest says she doesn't want a relationship just to date guys...OK fine....she is planning her 2nd date with one and tells me she won't be home for the night as he's booked a hotel. He's sending her messages implying this and she is fine in fact encouraging it.
I am OK with it but am about concerned for her safety as she tells me it's a 'surprise' so she has no idea where she is going. If her Dad knows he will not be best pleased and take it out on he as I will be condoning it but after all she is 22, a grown woman....
Is this the norm or what?

OP posts:

Missbel · 29/10/2018 19:17

Really tough situation for you to be in. Your OH shouldn't take things out on you, so something there needs resolving. Your DD needs to set up some system for keeping safe as others have said, she could claim to be contacting a friend and that it was reciprocal.

Having said that, my DD went through a very similar experience three years ago when she was 26 - going to bed with someone she'd met through an onlne dating app. She only told me about it afterwards, and they went back to her shared house, not to a hotel. Apparently it's "normal" to have sex on a second date - I'm old fashioned not to know that! It could all have gone dreadfully wrong, but it didn't - she's been with the young man ever since, he's delightful - quiet, thoughtful and caring. They have bought a house together and seem very happy.


crosstalk · 29/10/2018 19:19

This has really made me think. My mother didn't know what I was up to, nor do I know what my daughter was up to at 22. HOWEVER, this was mostly pre internet dating and TINDR. What I don't like about the internet dating scenario is going to a hotel for sex after one meeting and some texts. At least in Ye Olde Days you mostly knew friends who knew people so the meeting was contextual and you had background.

And there are plenty of friends of mine who've met up with great people online but they have taken their time and met them at recognised places regularly and with friends before taking it further. They were very conscious about sexual and financial predators.

OP I'd just ask your daughter to let you know his name and where she's going. A couple of selfies would be enough if she has geo location on. If he's genuine - and not a cheater or predator - he won't mind.


TheWiseWomansFear · 29/10/2018 19:28

Ask her to stop you a pin when they arrive?


kmc1111 · 29/10/2018 20:09

Honestly I don’t see the problem, and I have no idea why the fact they met online seems to worry so many people. They’ve already met face to face. Loads of people have one night stands with people they’ve had far less contact with after meeting at a bar or party.

The surprise aspect...if the man had bad intentions he could just give her the name of a hotel then making up some story about a change of plans or just drive her somewhere else. If he’s a bad guy then his word would count for nothing anyway, so angsting over that is pointless.


AuntMarch · 29/10/2018 20:53

My parents had no idea what I was up to at that age, even her telling you about this hotel is far more than my mum ever knew. It's good she is telling someone even if I do find it strange that it is you - my mum has only ever known I have slept with someone by assuming so if they ended up being bought to meet the folks eventually lol.

Looking back I took some terrible risks but my best friend and I (she was just as bad) did start telling each other where we were and checking in at some point in later to say all was ok.

Not U to ask for the text seeing as you do know though! Definitely none of dads business. Her choice who she tells


definitelymaybe8 · 30/10/2018 08:06

Thanks all for your replies.
I feel sure he's not married, he's living at home with his parents, just qualified so staying there. She knows his address ( though might not be real who knows!) I already know his name seen his FB page.
Also other things seem to back up however I'm still concerned. I am sure she'll either let me or her bf know where she is. Already had the chat about contraception etc.
I don't know whether to lie to DH my life would be much easier tbh but if anything did happen....mind you it's not like I or he could stop her ( but I wouldn't want to anyway)
When I was 22 I wouldn't have discussed this but I was in a stable relationship and not a risk taker!

OP posts:

chaoscategorised · 30/10/2018 09:12

When I met my OH, our second date was meeting at a hotel in Liverpool for the night... we'd been speaking for a few weeks, had met up once previously for a 'proper' drinks and dinner date. As he was temporarily living at his mum's and I was in the middle of moving house we got a hotel. I don't think in itself it's that unusual or worrying. Get her to text a location to someone when she gets there - maybe a friend instead of you?

I do think some of the things you've said are a bit odd. That you've had the chat about contraception, that she's a 'risk taker'...she's 22 years old! She's a grown adult who could be married with kids by now, and she doesn't need her mum or her (sexist and quite scary sounding) dad to talk her through it.


Tighnabruaich · 30/10/2018 09:16

Her father seems to be under the impression that she's 12, not 22.


MrsJayy · 30/10/2018 09:21

You dont need to tell her dad anything ifvshe wanted her dad to know she would tell him, if he asks she is out with a friend, i know she is still living at home but everybody seems far to involved in her life.


YouTheCat · 30/10/2018 09:27

If my 23 year old dd, who still lives at home, stays out for the night I expect her to tell me where she's staying. I don't want intimate details.

I'd do the same if it was me staying out - I'd let her know where I was.

It's about having respect for each other and the fact that we're both worriers .


WeeDangerousSpike · 30/10/2018 09:34

I found out recently that Facebook messenger has a location sharing thing, you set it going and it works for an hour. So she could set it going when he picks her up and so long as she has data on it will show you where she is for the next hour. She doesn't have to do anything else to make it work.

Wrt her dad - just don't say anything about it. Why would you? It's private.


Jux · 30/10/2018 14:43

If you lied to your dh about where she was and then had to go to rescue her, wouldn't that tell him something about his attitude and make him think? "Omg I'm such a bastard that my wfie and child find it easier to lie to me" sort of thing?

No, I guess men like that don't think like that and that'll be why they're men like that.......


overnightangel · 30/10/2018 17:10



overnightangel · 30/10/2018 17:11

I hope she gets a good night


nellieellie · 30/10/2018 17:15

My DD is 11. This sort of thing scares me. I think I’d put on dark glasses and a blonde wig and follow her ........


spanishwife · 30/10/2018 17:18

Your family sounds scary from your updates OP. Your husband is way out of line judging not only her but your choices in the past?!

Leave the poor woman alone! Yep, she is a woman not a girl!

You said yourself: she doesn't like the invasion into her privacy

So stop it! Or she won't tell you anything at all in future.


spanishwife · 30/10/2018 17:21

Nellie - You have the next 7 years to teach your daughter how to be safe and to looks after herself, how to spot potential dangerous situations.

You can't stalk her from the bushes aged 22! People are married with babies and a mortgage at that age


ancientandmodern · 30/10/2018 17:29

I've daughters a similar age and think it is highly likely they have had one night stands/casual sex at times - it's not my business and I wouldn't dream of asking.

However, one of them knew the girl in this newspaper report, who was chatting online to a bloke on POF for a couple of weeks, met up and went to a hotel with him. My daughter was very clear that going to hotels you don't know with men you don't know requires some careful thought.
re your daughter it's not the casual sex aspect that rings alarm bells, it's the 'surprise' element.....why, on a second date?

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