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To think my DD's attitude is a bit off...

93 replies

definitelymaybe8 · 29/10/2018 15:55

My 22 yo DD has just ended a 3 year relationship a few weeks ago and is back on the swipey app.
She is perfectly honest says she doesn't want a relationship just to date guys...OK fine....she is planning her 2nd date with one and tells me she won't be home for the night as he's booked a hotel. He's sending her messages implying this and she is fine in fact encouraging it.
I am OK with it but am about concerned for her safety as she tells me it's a 'surprise' so she has no idea where she is going. If her Dad knows he will not be best pleased and take it out on he as I will be condoning it but after all she is 22, a grown woman....
Is this the norm or what?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 29/10/2018 16:38

It's your she's attitude that's off here


Shoxfordian · 29/10/2018 16:38

  • your husband's attitude is off

Mitzimaybe · 29/10/2018 16:40

If they are going in his car, get her to send you a photo of the car (and him, ideally) before getting in it. Tell her that you support her choices but you are concerned for her safety. If he objects to her taking & sending the photo then she shouldn't get into the car. Then again, when they arrive somewhere, get her to send a photo of that too.

She doesn't have to say it's her mum, she could just say she's sending them to her friend who does the same.

She trusts you enough to confide in you so ask her to trust you enough to take steps to put your mind at rest.

Don't tell her dad - if he wouldn't take it well then he doesn't deserve to know.


helacells · 29/10/2018 16:45

Sorry but I'd be dropping her in it big time with her Dad. Her safety is more important than wanting to avoid an argument. You'd never forgive yourself if anything happened


NerrSnerr · 29/10/2018 16:51

Sorry but I'd be dropping her in it big time with her Dad. Her safety is more important than wanting to avoid an argument. You'd never forgive yourself if anything happened

But then next time she hooks up with a man she's won't tell her parents anything, she'll lie and say she's going to stay at a friend's house.

I think the OP's daughter needs to start discussing this with friends and telling friends they are safe like other adults do.


MrsJayy · 29/10/2018 16:54

Dropping her in it bloody hell she isn't a teenager. I don't think going to a hotel second date is particularly sensible but it is her sexlife and she is letting her mum know


MrsJayy · 29/10/2018 16:55

think the OP's daughter needs to start discussing this with friends and telling friends they are safe like other adults do.

So do I


Jux · 29/10/2018 17:07

Just for safety try to convince her that someone needs to know where she is, not even necessarily you, perhaps a friend? I'm sure she has a friend she can tell where she is when she knows.

I'm surprised that she's doing it like this. I thought all kids know about keeping safe when meeting people from internet whom they don't know well.

Just remind her to use a condom.....

They all do the sex thing! I was a bit uncomfortable about it at first - rabid Catholic upbringing - but can talk myself down now Grin


YearOfYouRemember · 29/10/2018 17:10

Being in a hotel is not safer than a flat Hmm. There's been enough stories of women killed by men in hotels.

If she wants to be treated as an adult then she needs to have the maturity to understand why you are worried…


CherryPavlova · 29/10/2018 17:12

I’m with you. Your daughter is taking avoidable risks. I’d be very unhappy if my adult children did this. Twenty two isn’t so very old and sex with strangers carries risks that can have long term repurcussions.


hibbledibble · 29/10/2018 17:28

Why is the date even booking a hotel? Why can't they go back to his, is he married?


LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/10/2018 17:34

OP, your daughter is an adult. Whether you agree with her choices or not, not your call and not her father's.

Why though are YOU allowing your husband to 'give it to you in the ear', tell YOU off about anything and everything? Why are you putting up with that?

Tell him to knock it off and don't put up with that again. You sound completely downtrodden like a doormat. Stop being one, you're an adult woman too, not a verbal punch-bag and not responsible for your daughter's behaviour any more than your husband is.


blueskiesandforests · 29/10/2018 17:37

Ask her to share her location with you via her phone at least.


blueskiesandforests · 29/10/2018 17:39

Yes the dynamic between both of you and your DH/ her dad does indeed sound very odd and not very nice...


acivilcontract · 29/10/2018 17:45

I would be working on the assumption that the bloke is already in a relationship if he is booking rooms to have sex.
To keep track of where she is you could do the iPhone friend tracker thing if you both have iPhones.
It isn't about her age but having basic internet dating sense. She needs to think about her boundaries and safety a bit more.


NerrSnerr · 29/10/2018 17:49

Why can't they go back to his, is he married?

Maybe he also lives with his mum and dad?


Oliversmumsarmy · 29/10/2018 17:53

I think your DD needs to grow up and see the signs.

Booking a hotel room=Married

Plus she is being very cavalier with her own safety.


Petalflowers · 29/10/2018 17:55

Can you arrange a ‘safe word’ which she can discreetly mention in a conversation so if she needs help, she can say phone you and mention this word to alert you.


Pebblespony · 29/10/2018 17:56

I thought she booked the hotel room?

I'm find it weird she told you about this in the first place.


witchcatcalledjohn · 29/10/2018 18:16

Years ago I went on a first date with someone I met on a dating app. After speaking for about 3 weeks we decided to meet in a public place, and then he wanted to keep the first place he'd take me to a surprise.

I made him tell me that first place because the idea of a surprise didn't appeal to me on a first date. Long term happy relationship, yes, but first date with a stranger, absolutely not.

Why anyone would choose to risk their safety like that is beyond me.


caringdenise009 · 29/10/2018 18:33

Tell her to Google Carl Langdell. He booked a nice hotel for an online date and killed her, his defence was a sex game gone wrong.


penisbeakers · 29/10/2018 18:45

Your husband is right to worry - but he's not right to take it out on you and you need to make sure he understands that.

So you have a choice - she's an adult and makes her own decisions, but she's also your daughter and you're entitled to worry. Ask her what she would do if one of her mates told her they were about to do the same thing. Wouldn't she be concerned?

Or tell her father and ask him not to be an arse about it. I'd wanna know where the hotel was too, but she's an adult so you can't force her into anything.


Eliza9917 · 29/10/2018 19:08

Can you ask her to set up find my iPhone (if she has one) so you know where she is?


Racecardriver · 29/10/2018 19:12

Just tell her that whenever she stays over with someone new she needs to text a trusted person the full address and his full name as well as a check in time e.g. 10 am the next morning or what ever. By her age she should already do this as a matter of course. Asides from that I can’t see the issue.


PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth · 29/10/2018 19:14

YABU, she's 22. I was married and pregnant with DS1 when I was 22.

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