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AIBU?

To think that this midwife was unnecessarily harsh?

121 replies

mmmgoats · 29/10/2018 15:13

Short summary: Friend is pregnant after some losses previously. Suffers anxiety as well, worse when she's pregnant. Been TTC, period was late, took four tests over a few days and all negative [early response and others] - not even a squinter.
We went on a pre-planned girls break to a spa for two nights - wine, sauna, hot tub, a couple of cocktails.

She comes back, a week later period still not arrived so did a test. She's pregnant. Super excited but also panicking because it puts her at about 6 weeks and a couple of days when we were away.

She went to her first midwife appointment this week and told her about her anxiety, losses etc and then told her about the spa break and how she's beside herself thinking she might have done harm to the baby.
Midwife was quite abrupt and just said 'well the damage is done now isn't it? No point in worrying about it'

I know the midwife can't say everything will be fine, of course she can't, but it's sent my friend into an utter anxiety spiral, she is so low and now convinced that it means she definitely did damage from the couple of days at the spa.

AIBU to think the midwife could have framed this a bit nicer or had a bit more compassion? After seeing my friend today I am so cross on her behalf, she's so so worried :(

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Biologifemini · 31/10/2018 06:53

It isn’t offensive. I doubt the spa would have done any harm. But cocktails during early pregnancy are never recommended.
The midwife will know about plenty of cases of harm to the fetus due to drinking. In the UK it is pretty common due to the binge drinking culture.
I was exactly the same and worried about my child’s reading age because I had a couple of drinks during early pregnancy.
I basically waited until school to know - which is ridiculous. But it is what happens if you drink!
It is the effect on brain development which is most worrying.
The midwife if right: she cannot do anything about it now.

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Amanduh · 31/10/2018 06:57

I found out I was pregnant at gone 16 weeks. I’d been drinking every weekend, been to some big parties, been on holiday, been to the spa, eaten and drank ALL OF THE THINGS. Ds was a healthy happy almost 8 pounder who is now a toddler and has leaped way ahead of all his milestones. You can’t worry about these things although naturally you do, I was beside myself until a scan (which showed I was 18 weeks and he was perfect) but it still niggled a bit until he was born.
The midwife sounds like she was an insenstive cow, but as someone said upthread pehaps it wasn’t quite worded like that and in her anxiety that’s what your friend clung to? If it is affecting her that much though, I’d change midwife. Not that i saw the same one more than twice anyway!

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nearlythesummer · 31/10/2018 08:21

What an absolutely awful thing for the midwife to say. I remember being worried with my first baby about miscarriage and the doctor reassured me by saying that the foetus is like a parasite & will cling on and take all the goodness from me. It strangely helped my anxiety a little! One weekend away will not have any effect on your friends baby. I hope she feels reassured by all these messages.

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Giantcatbear · 31/10/2018 08:55

Drinking a few cocktails that early in pregnancy are extremely unlikely to have any effect whatsoever on fetal brain development. What you're describing are the effects of prolonged abuse of alcohol throughout pregnancy.

In this case I'm sure this midwife was just being a bit flippant. After all there is nothing that can be done after any event to reverse it, but she probably isn't remotely concerned about any actual harm having been done. She just needs to work on her bedside manner a bit.

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Maelstrop · 31/10/2018 09:03

A mate of mine fell from her horse at about 2 months and the midwife took a similar line. I was Shock but I kind of see where she was coming from. It’s unfair to say everything will be fine because what if it’s not?

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PedunculatedPolp · 31/10/2018 09:22

I think the worst time to drink etc. Is 6-8 weeks as that is when the heart and other major organs are developing. I presume your friend is already taking folic acid as ttc so is doing better than everyone of my parents generation and the majority of us turned out ok. Get your friend to eat dark chocolate as that is one of the few things that has been demonstrated to decrease miscarriage rates. It is also meant to make the babies sleep better and I wholeheartedly embraced the philosophy and have 3 very good sleepers ( but horrendous teethers). Good luck to both you and your friend.

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Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 31/10/2018 09:50

But cocktails during early pregnancy are never recommended.

I actually came across something recently that showed most cocktails are a bit of a con & contain far less alcohol than people think.

Could have been a TV programme.

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Leapfrog44 · 31/10/2018 13:06

I doubt she'll have done any damage. It's best avoided if you know you're pregnant but most people don't and benders are not uncommon. It's not like she's a heroin addict.

There are people who drink right through pregnancy and escape without damage so do you best to put her mind at ease that everything will be fine and the midwife was probably having a bad day.

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Br1256 · 01/11/2018 01:04

If she can afford it go for a private scan and screening ....my daughter didn't know she was pregnant and during the course of various family celebrations, including her own wedding and honeymoon, drank a lot ..her son is a very healthy 7 year old....

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PuddinginPerth · 01/11/2018 04:32

The midwife is not there to deal with your friends anxiety because she drank while she was pregnant. It really was a stupid thing for your friend to do.

I don’t understand why you’re being so critical towards a health care professional. If there is anything wrong with the embryo at this early stage your friend will likely miscarry.

The midwife was right to take a harsh approach. Have you ever seen a child with foetal alcohol syndrome? It’s not pretty. Your friend needs to get her act together, stop with the drama and stop drinking if she’s trying to get pregnant.

Everyone knows that false negatives on the pregnancy tests can occur and that it can take weeks to properly register the pregnancy on a pee test.

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SoyDora · 01/11/2018 06:21

PuddinginPerth actually that is part of the midwives job. They’re not just there to look at the health of the baby, but also the (mental and physical) health of the mother. Why do you think they ask so many questions about history of mental health problems etc? Pre natal anxiety is a diagnosable condition.

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tiredgirly · 01/11/2018 07:50

So what do you expect her to do? Condone drinking in pregnancy and TTC?? Your friends AF had not arrived so she knew that there was a distinct possibility of being pg, but decided to do drink anyway

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SoyDora · 01/11/2018 07:55

It’s nothing to do with ‘condoning’ anything. It was already done. What was the point in making her more anxious? ‘What’s done is done’ is a perfectly reasonable thing to say. ‘The damage is already done’ isn’t. She has no way of knowing if there has been any damage (and it’s unlikely after a couple of drinks in early pregnancy).

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Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 01/11/2018 08:05

puddinginperth

How many children have you seen whose mothers had a single weekend drinking in early pregnancy whose children have FAS?

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LuvSmallDogs · 01/11/2018 08:22

PuddinginPerth, a MW is exactly who you would expect to be careful around an expecting mother’s anxiety.

Poor MH during pregnancy raises the chances of PND, and if it can be kept in check then it minimizes the amount of medication used during pregnancy.

My own MWs are very kind to me every check up in inquiring after my general mood, always tell me if I feel too bad to go back on my meds as risk is minimal, one was even lovely to me after I admitted I’d smoked a couple of fags when stressed.

If I felt my MWs were being unkind, I would get too anxious to see them. That is surely a risk MWs must be aware of with anxious/depressed patients.

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steppemum · 01/11/2018 08:26

in the early weeks the baby is actually feeding off it's own yolk sack rather than via a placenta.

please find this on an 'official' site and show it to her, so she stops worrying.

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mmmgoats · 01/11/2018 08:43

Hello all, didn’t realise there had been more replies. Showed thread to friend and it made her feel a bit better so thanks

@puddinginperth I do see your viewpoint but at the same time if TTC takes years for some people what are they supposed to do? Stop living their life just incase? She did have negative tests - a few of them - and like her said her period has been irregular so it wasn’t unusual for it to be late.
@tiredgirly I said in my
OP that I knew the midwife couldn’t tell her things would be okay - I wasn’t saying she should condone it I was saying I thought
she should be more careful with the phrasing used.

@luvsmalldogs @soydora agree

Can’t go back and thank everyone individually but thanks to everyone who has taken the time to share their experiences :)

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PuddinginPerth · 01/11/2018 20:26

@mmmgoats if someone is desperately trying for a baby then why on earth would they consume alcohol?! Surely drinking would lower their chances of conception. And a few drinks is hardly going to matter, the way your friend carried on you would think she binge drank and passed out in her own vomit.

Still, any damage was already done. What was the midwife supposed to do? Lie?

And I don’t think drinking excessively is “living life”.

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mmmgoats · 01/11/2018 23:17

@puddinginperth your comment contradicts itself. i never mentioned drinking excessively. My friend has anxiety which makes things seem worse than they are surely you can understand that?
I never suggested drinking excessively was living life either - I said having a few drinks.
Doctors have been known to tell women to relax and enjoy a couple of drinks when they’ve been trying to conceive.

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squeekums · 02/11/2018 00:07

Puddinginperth
A midwife is supposed to say things with tact and consideration for the mothers mental health cos guess what, that matters in pregnancy too.
Being harsh is no way to get people comfortable and trusting them at all.
Id actually avoid appointments with nastyness like that, not worth the stress, id rather see someone who values my mental wellbeing too

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LizzyA123 · 03/11/2018 18:12

Hi, I was an older first time mum and had 2 miscarriages prior to becoming pregnant with my daughter; this was despite following all the advice on what to eat/do etc. I went on holiday not knowing I was pregnant again and ate soft french cheeses, pate and drank lots of red wine, used saunas and hot tubs a lot and ate peanuts too. I was worried sick when I found out a few days after my return. My daughter is now a healthy, extremely bright 6ft 1inch tall lass. No harm done. Followed all the rules when I knew of course. Smile

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