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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this midwife was unnecessarily harsh?

121 replies

mmmgoats · 29/10/2018 15:13

Short summary: Friend is pregnant after some losses previously. Suffers anxiety as well, worse when she's pregnant. Been TTC, period was late, took four tests over a few days and all negative [early response and others] - not even a squinter.
We went on a pre-planned girls break to a spa for two nights - wine, sauna, hot tub, a couple of cocktails.

She comes back, a week later period still not arrived so did a test. She's pregnant. Super excited but also panicking because it puts her at about 6 weeks and a couple of days when we were away.

She went to her first midwife appointment this week and told her about her anxiety, losses etc and then told her about the spa break and how she's beside herself thinking she might have done harm to the baby.
Midwife was quite abrupt and just said 'well the damage is done now isn't it? No point in worrying about it'

I know the midwife can't say everything will be fine, of course she can't, but it's sent my friend into an utter anxiety spiral, she is so low and now convinced that it means she definitely did damage from the couple of days at the spa.

AIBU to think the midwife could have framed this a bit nicer or had a bit more compassion? After seeing my friend today I am so cross on her behalf, she's so so worried :(

OP posts:
Russell19 · 29/10/2018 15:52

I was told the same as @zoezebra I would recommend your friend change midwife and go and speak to the Dr. I was ttc for a long time, when I first started ttc I stopped drinking, ate certain foods etc in the hope I'd get pregnant. 7 months later it didn't happen and I went for checks etc at the doctors and he actually said you can't treat your body as if you are pregnant as it's causing more stress and upset each time there's a bfn. He actually said his main advice would be to 'have a bottle of wine and have some fun' he said there's no impact on the baby before 6 weeks at all. 2 months later I was pregnant 😍

Nesssie · 29/10/2018 15:52

I think the midwife was just a bit clumsy and shouldn't use the word 'damage' when talking about pregnancies.
She probably meant it in a reassuring way, as in 'no point worrying about something you can't change'

mumsastudent · 29/10/2018 15:53

really sorry about this but congratulations to her - look if you don't know your pregnant -look you could have been in contact with some dc with a bug - please reassure her

Dacresmallwilly · 29/10/2018 15:55

Lots of people do this, the vast majority are fine.

However, just to address comments about the yolk sac. Substances from the mothers bloodstream diffuse straight across and into the yolk sac. If early exposures didn't reach the fetus, how would folic acid be protective (it has to do its job by five weeks of pregnancy)? The placenta starts working about 8-9 weeks but that does not mean that earlier exposures do not reach the baby.

diddl · 29/10/2018 15:55

Midwife was harsh.

I should imagine she was trying to say "what's done is done", but I'm sure that all your friend heard was the word "damage".

She's probably also blaming herself thinking that if she was late & ttc-perhaps she should acted as if pregnant just in case?

Hope that all goes well for her.

oh4forkssake · 29/10/2018 15:58

My midwife told me that until the placenta starts working at 8 weeks what you eat and drink has little if no effect. Please tell your friend this

I was told this too.

Best of luck to your friend. Make sure she makes it clear she doesn't want to see that midwife again.

My youngest is five and I still have to stop myself from snarling when I see the midwife at our GP. Horrible woman. Angry

Canshopwillshop · 29/10/2018 16:00

She sounds awful. Your poor friend. Like others have said, I fell pregnant over Xmas/New year period and was drinking loads etc. After several miscarriages, we were actually going through adoption process so i had no idea I was pregnant. I too was extremely anxious but my midwife and GP were very helpful at the time and reassured me that I would not have harmed the baby at such an early stage. Please show this thread to your friend and hopefully it will help to ease her worries.

Inertia · 29/10/2018 16:04

I've been told by a doctor friend that the main risk from saunas etc to pregnant women is the risk associated with them getting too hot and fainting.

SleepySofa · 29/10/2018 16:05

A midwife did this to me too. I had had a few drinks before I found out I was pregnant - we were trying to conceive using one of those fertility monitors, I hadn't had a drink for months and months, and the monitor said I hadn't even ovulated, so I had a few drinks when we were on holiday. Then I turned out to have been about 3 weeks pregnant at the time. I told the midwife and said I was really anxious about a miscarriage, and she said it'd happen if it was going to happen. She was right, I suppose, but I do think she was lacking in empathy to be so blunt. I suppose they see so many pregnant women, and so many miscarriages etc, that some of them just get a little numbed to it.

mumsastudent · 29/10/2018 16:10

one thing I do remember (I weighed les than 9 stone at 8 months by the by) when a 20 stone midwife told me off for gaining a couple of extra pounds :) ...

SleepySofa · 29/10/2018 16:13

My midwife told me that until the placenta starts working at 8 weeks what you eat and drink has little if no effect.

I agree with a PP that this can't be right - after all, there are lots of teratogenic drugs that can damage a foetus in the first few weeks of development. I'm not talking about alcohol but rather things like thalidomide, the effects of which varied depending on the age of the foetus when the drug was taken.

YearOfYouRemember · 29/10/2018 16:31

Please tell your friend not to worry. Plenty of mum's have eaten and drunk things not advised and baby has been fine. I followed the rules to the letter and have 2/3 non perfect (Sad at the description) children. It's the luck of the draw mostly.

Original poster
mmmgoats · 29/10/2018 16:32

Wow thank you for all the replies.

I did check with her that the midwife had used that specific wording, but she’s adamant that she did Confused

I think her main worry is that fact that she would have been six weeks along, and the hot tub use combined with drinking a fair bit of alcohol over quite a short period of time. But she doesn’t drink much normally and to be honest it was cold outside so the hot tub didn’t stay hot for that long!

Thanks for all the reassuring stories I will pass these along. I didn’t realise you could change your midwife - don’t think she does either - so I will suggest to her she look into that too.

OP posts:
Celebelly · 29/10/2018 16:33

It sounds like she might not actually be six weeks and just ovulated late if she got a negative after her period was 'late' (assuming she is dating from her last period) – if she's anxious she might be tempted to get an early scan, etc. but she should probably be aware that she might be a bit earlier than thought so she doesn't panic if it doesn't show anything, etc.

clicketyclick66 · 29/10/2018 16:38

OP, I had a few drinks while on holiday in Lanzarote then found out I was pregnant 3 weeks later. I felt guilty for a while, then put it to the back of my mind. I can reassure you my baby came to no harm - she is turning 12 years old in November and is healthy as a trout!
Just think of the babies born to drug addicted mothers, they survive.
Your midwife was being insensitive.

Original poster
mmmgoats · 29/10/2018 16:38

@celebelly yeah I thought that but didn’t want to give her anything
else to worry about - i think an early scan would be a good idea. She’s been using some kind of ovulation test so is pretty convinced she would have been six weeks but to be honest I don’t think it would do that much damage at 4 or 6 weeks. It’s not like we went on a crazy bender and were drinking 24-7! It was actually pretty relaxed with a bit of drinking afternoon and evening.

I kbow it’s easy for
me to say to her not to worry, I can remember how easy it was to get stuck in that obsessive anxiety loop when I was pregnant but I agree with the pp who said stressing is definitely not going to help

OP posts:
Original poster
mmmgoats · 29/10/2018 16:39

I think I will show her this thread actually

OP posts:
Witchend · 29/10/2018 16:41

You weren't there, so you can't possibly know she said it in an abrupt way.
It may have been part of a longer conversation which hasn't been relayed to you-or even your friend has forgotten as she is focusing on the bit that worries her.

My dd has bad anxiety and I can spend a long time reassuring her and talking it through and the one bit she remembers and focuses on isn't what actually was said in the context of the whole.

Hairyfairy01 · 29/10/2018 16:42

My sister drank like a fish until around 6 weeks without knowing. She was also really concerned but her midwife said that until 6 weeks the baby isn’t getting its nutrition from the mum anyway. That child is 12 now and absolutely fine.

Wellonlyifihaveto · 29/10/2018 16:45

I found out I was pregnant at 6wks just after a 4 day wedding bender. All the things that are banned or frowned upon I had (not drugs!) pregnancy was shite in many ways not connected to that but baby was fine!
The midwife was not very nice but she should try not to worry and maybe ask gp for reassurance

tappitytaptap · 29/10/2018 16:48

I had a similar experience with DS2. Told my midwife (who I had with DS1 too and is renowned for lack of bedside manner!) and she just smiled and said don't worry. I imagine that its incredibly common and her midwife sounds crap!

Notverygrownup · 29/10/2018 16:49

Please show this thread to your friend and get her to sign up to MN. I wish I had found MN when I was tortured by anxiety during pregnancy.

Lots of common sense and reassurance to be found here.

(Another person who drank copious amounts, not knowing that I was pregnant)

Original poster
mmmgoats · 29/10/2018 16:52

@witchend of course - I can only go on my friend's word that it took place the way she said it did. As mentioned previously I asked if she used those exact words, because obviously things can be taken out of context. Friend said she did and I guess to her, it came across abruptly. She may be over sensitive as she's worried but she has no reason to lie and she's come away from the appointment ten times more worried, so the midwife definitely wasn't warm and reassuring.
She has hooked onto the 'well the damage is done now' part, so it could well be she didn't even take in anything else that was said but either way, it's really stuck with her :(

OP posts:
Original poster
mmmgoats · 29/10/2018 16:55

@notverygrownup I am definitely going to show her the thread and encourage her to sign up - it was such a supportive place for me when I went through my losses. And I think it will be reassuring to see how many have had similar experiences/also suffer from anxiety during pregnancy

OP posts:
checkingforballoons · 29/10/2018 16:56

Just adding this in case you do show her the thread. We were TTC, I was testing obsessively. Took a couple of tests one week even though the dates didn’t really add up. Took another the morning before we went away for my birthday. All definite negatives. Had a lovely weekend, eating all sorts of cheeses, drinking champagne in a hot tub, etc. Stopped at services on the way home and realised the smell of the coffee I’d stopped for was turning my stomach. Put it down to a greasy breakfast. Got a positive a few days later.
I think when I mentioned it to the midwife at my booking in she laughed at me (kindly!)
Oh and my four year old is snuggled up beside me!